Do I have BPD (Trigger warning - references to self harm, abuse)

[KJJ]

I was wondering if I have BPD. I have been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 20 when bulimia, depression, and anxiety became severe. I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety disorder. I’ve never told anyone including my doctor how I really feel inside as I feel ashamed there is something wrong with me and I don’t feel I can trust enough to tell anyone. I keep my feelings hidden from those closest to me as I am confused by them and unsure if they are valid. My mother had me when she was very young and was quite unstable with substance abuse and volatile moods for as long as I can remember. I was alienated from my father when I was about a year old until later in life. Among other traumatic experiences when I was 12 my mother's boyfriend at the time was volatile and did drugs and also sexually abused me. I told my mum but he lied and said I was mistaken and she believed him. When they split he broke into our house and terrorised us one night. Within the year or less after this I remember I started bedwetting and hurting myself. I remember being so angry or upset and hurting myself was the only thing that calmed me down. This reduced after time but as I got older I started binge drinking and having problems with anxiety, depression, and bulimia. At that time in my head whenever I did something that I was ashamed of or binge ate would repeat “I hate myself, I want to die”.
With time, CBT, and medication I have stabilised, and rarely drink or have problems with eating but still have occasional relapses of depression and anxiety. I often feel lonely and empty. I also feel numb a lot of the time but other times I also feel emotions are overwhelming, especially anger. One thing that confuses me is when my husband goes to work I feel so angry at him, I feel he doesn’t care about me and that I can’t trust him (I don’t tell him this) but when I am with him I wonder why I felt that way and feel guilty and confused for being so angry. My doctor hasn't mentioned BPD. I am distancing from my mother under the advice of my doctor, due to enmeshment and emotional abuse. I feel similarly with my mother - at times rage and resentment towards her and then guilt and confusion at my feelings. With other relationships such as my father if I feel I am getting too involved or close I get scared and untrusting and worry that they will hurt me and then I push away. I guess I am trying to make sense of the way I feel and see if I can deal with it. Thank you.

[KJJ]

Hi Theborderline,

Thanks for shedding light on the sense of self and identity feelings, and for the tips on managing abandonment triggers. And throwing walls up sounds just like what I do! As soon as some one shows interest in me for friendships or even family, I back away/close off. I also feel that the more I like a person the more scared I am to get too involved as I feel I will be rejected or found to be not good enough.

Kelly

[james1]

Hey Kelly,

That's nice to hear. Please feel free to keep us updated. It's certainly nice to have heard your own experiences and to hear how many of them actually mirror mine as well.

James

[KJJ]

Hi James,

It’s nice to know that sharing my experiences was helpful for you as well.

I will keep you updated

Kelly

[KJJ]

Hi again, i have found this forum to be so helpful, so had another issue I wanted to put out there to see if others have similar experiences. I sometimes experience distressing thoughts and images in my head. Like an accident or something bad happening to my family. It makes me very upset and worried and takes me some time to calm down. Is this anxiety or something else? Has anyone found helpful coping methods for this?

thanks!

[Guest_7403]

You can try the cloud technique it sounds wierd but works...

Picture your mind is a cloudless sky, these thoughts that pop into your head are clouds....ackowledge them and let them pass as nothing more then a cloud passing through

The mind is always there, the thought passes through

[james1]

Hello Kelly,

I've not had that issue before though it certainly sounds like it's quite distressing. From what you've described it sounds like you are quite anxious about something bad happening to your family, and can get very fixated on that event. In my own experience with getting fixated with ideas and getting overwhelmed with anxious feelings, I am usually unable to logically reason with myself so instead I have had to try and distract myself. What have you tried?

May I also suggest having a look at the anxiety forum as maybe someone else has posted something similar and you can respond on their thread as well?

James

[KJJ]

Thanks Theborderline, this sounds like an interesting technique. I’ll definitely give that a go.

[KJJ]

Hi James, thanks for your reply. I usually try to distract myself or keep busy as well, as I also find logical reasoning hard to do at the time. Sometimes trying not to think about something or pushing the thought away makes it worse. I’ll have a look on the anxiety forums, thanks 🙂

[KJJ]

Hi,


Just posting an update that I hope may be helpful for some.


After worsening depression and fatigue I finally took a diagnostic sleep study as suggested by my psychiatrist. I am quite a petite female with normal BMI and don’t snore so was quite sceptical and even more surprised to be diagnosed with severe upper airway resistance syndrome (UARS). Sleep apnea and UARS are apparently a common cause of treatment resistant depression and anxiety. After a few months I am finally used to my Cpap treatment and am finding my depression has improved significantly and energy levels have significantly increased. I feel as though I am coming back to life 🙂 Although not a magic cure for everything I still need to watch for depression and anxiety triggers not related to my sleep disorder, things have improved significantly for me with Cpap treatment.


I just wanted to share this so that anyone struggling might consider asking their GP or psychiatrist for a sleep study. You don’t have to necessarily be overweight or snore to have a sleep breathing disorder. My issues are related to having small jaw, mouth, and airways - leading to airway narrowing.


Also make sure you get a sleep study that can detect RERAs and UARS not just AHI and Obstructive sleep apnea as just looking at the latter can miss other sleep breathing disorders that can cause mental health issues.


Although I wish I discovered this earlier and wonder if my life had have been different if it had, I really hope that this can help someone else who is struggling.