Dear HRH,
I can relate to how you feel and went through a similar process. I have now found a good psychologist but it really took time and work to get there. Like you I’ve had some less than optimal (to put it politely) experiences with counsellors/psychologists and also with medical doctors. Sophie has given such a good answer. I can try to mention a few things that have helped me as well.
Firstly I think feeling safe with the practitioner is really important. If something feels off or you feel like you are not being seen, validated and understood, then that is usually a red flag. If the person has the capacity to attune to you, it’s usually noticeable quite quickly. With my current psych, she really listened to me at my first appointment and I was so not used to that. I was used to being the quiet one and having someone else be directive and more dominant, or otherwise impatient with my quietness/fear. But with my current psych I quite quickly found my voice and found myself able to communicate without the difficulty I’ve often felt with others. I have complex ptsd and one of the key things that can happen is I can become mute and also strongly dissociate. With my current psych there is compassion and presence, and I’ve found that is the key ingredient. There was one major rupture with her when she did EMDR with me without adequate preparation and that led to a lot of flooding and retraumatisation, but we have managed to repair the rupture. Many of us with complex trauma never experienced repair growing up, only rupture. If you have a good psych, and something does go wrong, you want someone who can hold space for you through that, take responsibility for their part and allow the expression of anger, which my psych encouraged me to do when anger started coming out. This was another new experience - being allowed to express anger, which so many of us with complex ptsd could never safely do growing up. So I think what I’m trying to say is the strength of the relationship is everything and it’s worth persisting until you find someone that truly feels safe enough for you (I say safe enough because I know total safety may be hard to feel, but knowing the other person is a good person with your interests at heart makes a big difference).
I would suggest doing quite a bit of your own research and don’t hesitate to interview therapists to get a sense of them as a person. You can either seek to speak with them before an appointment and some will allow a chat to get to know them, or see how you feel and what your intuition tells you after a first appointment. You are under no obligation to continue with someone if it doesn’t feel right.
With complex ptsd, the most important first step is safety and stabilisation, and a trauma-informed therapist will usually work on this before going into trauma processing. I actually did somatically process a trauma incident with my therapist on only the second session, but that was because I was desperate to and felt ready and so it worked well as my nervous system really wanted to resolve it. But generally speaking it’s really important to build trust, rapport and safety first.
Your feelings are really valid and you are right to be self-protective. Those of us with complex trauma are particularly vulnerable in relation to issues of trust and safety, so it’s very logical and understandable to feel that way. You may find it helpful to look at the Blue Knot Foundation website. I recently did one of their free webinars on complex trauma. They also offer a counselling service and they are the kind of people you could also chat to about the concerns and feelings you have raised here about therapy. Their number is 1300 657 380 (9am to 5pm each day eastern states time).
I agree with Sophie that you’re not a lost cause. I found things have slowly come together/into focus as I’ve come to understand the nature of my experience of complex ptsd. Things can get clearer and better, even if it’s a challenging journey at times. Take care and happy to chat more if you would like.
