When I was 10 my best friend said "how do you kiss?" As a child I had no idea, but now being older I understand what she was really asking and i had even less of an idea how badly it would progress from there. Me, a teenage girl now looking back on little girl me that never knew if what was happening was assault or if it was nothing. Today I know my answer. Sadly i have delt with countless accounts of this situation with her and I have also had 2 occasions with a cousin. I talked to my mum, some friends, counsellor and 5 weeks ago I told a teacher and a stranger that comes to skls to talk about sex, consent, assault, and more. I now know my friend was not just curious but what she did was sexualising assault and rape.
I am proud of myself for staying strong, for speaking up and getting the help I needed. I asked the questions that were eating me alive, discovered myself, my experiences and what I want to do.
I do now feel like I'm alone, like people can't relate, and I feel like I'm branded. I don't remember being asked out by anyone since, and I feel like I'm untouchable and unlovable.
I pray I'm not disgusting or something. But the girl who assaulted me said I should starve myself for 3 days exactly or more, I've been called flat chested, flat ass, and all other nicknames for both, I've been called skinny and fat, ugly and pretty, dumb, slow, annoying and a yapper. But I'm also called pretty, sweet, kind, an empath, and so now I wonder?
Was it my fault, did I lead them on, how so? Am I pretty or not, lovable or not. Am I perfect, average, or a background character in everyone else's story.
I'm happy with where I am and how far I've come, but there's still questions unanswered I want to know. The fears these people created about my personality and appearance. I don't know where I stand. I love myself, can't stand my own voice in my head, don't like how I look most days but my strength and personality keeps me going.
Idk if anyone's reading this, I don't mind if you aren't really paying attention, but I'm here for you so is many others on this site, if you need help, no matter how scary, reach out. Some people may say nothing, others may say to much or the wrong thing, but someone will listen, someone will be there at the right time, in the right way.
Goodluck stranger. You got this 😊
