Dealing with PTSD symptoms for sixteen months now.

[lana_cat]

I left an extremely emotionally abusive five year relationship sixteen months ago and I feel like I have done everything I'm supposed to do, in terms of cutting all contact with the abuser and never seeing anything to do with him again, but I am still having regular flashbacks to episodes of abuse, almost constant rumination about everything that happened, often intense feelings of depression and worthlessness, and frequent feelings of disassociation where everything suddenly seems alien and strange.

I'm literally never happy.  I haven't been happy at all in the past sixteen months.  Even though the relationship was highly abusive, it was somehow easier dealing with the intensity of the abuse than it has been dealing with the flashbacks and trying to process everything in retrospect.  During the abuse, there is so much adrenaline and you are reacting in the moment, there is seemingly no time to really digest what is happening, and the abuse was almost non-stop for all those years, there was never a moment where I had space to truly reflect or escape the intensity of it, and perhaps that's why I'm still trapped in PTSD sixteen months later.

I've recently started therapy as well, but it's honestly been triggering.  I avoid most triggers as best I can.  More subtle triggers are hard to avoid and can spark a flashback before I know it, but anything directly related to the abuser I try to avoid.  

I just feel like it's taken over my life.  I don't feel free of the abuser.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong to not be able to get over it.  I've poured myself into my passions, my art, travel, improving myself, but at the same time I'm completely numb when it comes to meeting people -- I can't stand the idea of a new relationship or intimacy with anyone ever again, it just makes me feel terrified and sick.  My future feels empty and bleak in that sense.  I have zero desire or interest in being with anyone, ever, because I now have a deep distrust of men that I can't shake.  

I'm so tired of flashbacks, they are so real that it's like time travel, suddenly I'm right back in the moment and it's fresh and I can hear his voice as if he's speaking to me directly again, saying terrible things, and all the intricacies of the abuse, the way I was objectified and used and reduced to nothing.  I don't remember how it feels to be happy.

[Sophie_M]

Dear lana_cat,

We are grateful you found the strength to post about your struggles with severe PTSD from your previous, extremely abusive relationship. Our very supportive community is here for you.

We understand that you continue feeling significant dissociation after your traumatic experiences, and you cannot seem to comprehend what happiness is anymore. You have been doing everything you can to avoid anything triggering, and, unfortunately, even your psych is triggering for you.

lana_cat, you have expressed so well why it is absolutely essential for you to be able to fully and completely trust your mental health professional when it comes to processing your trauma so you might eventually move through it. Because the trauma really happened, your survival self is constantly expecting the trauma to continue. And, though we avoid looking at the trauma when in an uncontrolled situation because the risk of retraumatising ourselves is so high, it is the job of our psych to set up, and maintain, the safe and controlled space so they can carefully guide us through the process of depowering our trauma.

If you find yourself becoming triggered outside the controlled environment of your psych's session, we would like to encourage you to ring our fantastic, experienced counsellors on 1300 22 4636. They are available 24 hours per day, every day of the year, and they can help you find your way back to stability between your psych sessions.

Please post whenever you feel comfortable doing so. We are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.


 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear lana_cat,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…I am deeply sorry you went through all that, my heart goes out to you…I survived 38years in a very cruel and abusive marriage, too scared to leave him…

My husband passed away 9 years ago this year…I still get flash backs, with sensations of what I went through….drop into PTSD downer, before I know what’s happening..Unfortunately  we cannot erase our memories,  it does get better as we learn to cope with the flashbacks, night terrors etc….and get stronger within ourselves..

I went through therapy, and victims counselling….they were very triggering for me and I’m still not sure if it helped or if time has helped me, .I think a bit of both….My counsellors did give me some coping strategies, like if a voice triggered me, call someone I can talk to that is a friend of mine or put on some music to listen and sing a long with, If I see something triggering….look around and find something pleasant to see, happy photos, birds playing outside….all this took me time, patience and practice…it doesn’t always work in bringing me out of my PTSD downer…at night, when trying to sleep..each night I have a short sleep story/medication vid playing….and put all my effort into listening to it.

I do relate to not wanting another relationship..trusting men again is not very easy…All I see is the heartache I went through….I lost trust in everyone and ended up isolating myself from life.

I have been trying to find a peaceful life for me.…still having trouble with lots of triggers, slowly but surely I’m beginning to do that….

Its a hard journey lovely lana_cat…a journey that can be won….Your a survivor, a strong and beautiful person…Please don’t ever forget that…your abuser was wrong…His words are not true..they were words to make him feel better about himself…..make him feel empowered above you…Those words were all lies….You are not that person, he made you feel like…You are brave, courageous, beautiful and a true survivor.

Please sweet lana, talk here anytime you feel up to it…we are all here for you to help support your through your mh journey.

My kindest thoughts with my care.

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Dear lana_cat, warm welcome to the forums. You are safe here. 

Everything you're describing is PTSD for me too. I have Complex PTSD (both childhood & adulthood). 
We get it. 
We've been there. 

We're all on our healing journeys now. Together, safely. 

For now, please don't try to see your whole future ahead in this moment. I felt EXACTLY the same way. 3 abusive relationships, I was O-U-T out. NEVER doing it again. But then I met my best friend. 

Some strategies that helped during 5y of many Courts to get the demon out of our lives were: 
* 5 things I could see, smell, taste, touch, hear where you are RIGHT now... use your fingers to check them off. Repeat until you feel calmer in the space you're in. 
* BE safe. Make your surroundings safe. We can talk more about this if you like. 
* Get support - which you are.  

Later after Courts, I sought a Psychologist who taught me Exposure Therapy. It really worked. 
I've had some triggers since, it took time to practice E.T. with each of them, but they've greatly diminished in intensity, severity & frequency now. 

Also: 
* to sleep I listened to Meditations (Dr Joe Dispenza on YT is my favourite)
* if I became extremely anxious I got physical - did angry cleaning or worked hard in my garden, WALKED it out. (Triggers may still be happening but I got the energy out - it helped).
* allowed myself to cry, any time, then reduced this cry time to 30 mins at the waterfront. Seldom need it now. 

I've had the same Counsellor the entire time and will have Counselling forever. Call Victim's Services about this. 

You did the right thing leaving. 
We now support each other with our healing. 

We've got you. 

Love EM