dealing with anger

[sashamentalhealth]

Hi everyone, 

Just thought that i would share what worked for me. I struggled with PTSD for years and felt like i could never overcome it. i felt so angry everyday as i couldnt redirect my anger to my abuser and hold them accountable. i felt confused with all the anger i had and felt like i didnt have any place to channel it from. as a result, i lashed out over small things to the people i cared about and shut myself entirely from everyone and everything. 

i saw a therapist weekly but still couldnt control my anger. i didnt want to be consumed with anger and tried to find ways to channel it. i found boxing to be particularly helpful as it was a safe way to demonstrate my anger in a controlled environment. i also become a part of the community which helped me stay connected with people even if i didnt want to. still, i felt like i needed to express my anger to the right target. so, i began writing "letters" to my abuser and dumping all of my anger and hatred towards a paper.

i know that there will still be anger as PTSD is very complex and enduring in its nature. however, these things really helped me along the way and have continued to help me today. i hope that this is useful for anyone reading it. i am also sorry that we have to go through this and will always continue to be unfair. i wish the best of luck to everyone and i hope that we can all find peace in ourselves one day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear sashamentalhealth,

Thank you so much for sharing what has worked for you. I've had multiple traumas in both childhood and adulthood and there is anger still attached to some of those experiences. I've overcome several of them, but some still stick to some extent. I have thought of boxing several times before but an injury to my right arm will probably prevent that as an option. But I think writing or typing out a letter to particular abusers could be a good idea. We don't have to send it, but I think the anger does need expression in some form. It kind of completes that process of defence we needed to be able to do for ourselves at the time but were not able to.

Last year I was processing some trauma stuff with my psychologist. Anger came up really strongly. I did some screaming while driving in my car, since screaming at home would freak out the neighbours. I also screamed into the wind at a wild ocean location when no one else was around. One evening I kicked a box around the lounge room for at least an hour that had stuff in it, making it heavier and therefore more satisfying to kick. I also threw a cushion multiple times into the couch. The important thing is not to hurt yourself doing these things, but to let yourself feel and express that anger than needs to come out. When I did these things I felt real power in my body and a ferocity that is the opposite of my usual docile nature. This has been a necessary development for me as showing any anger at all growing up wasn't safe and I profoundly suppressed it. I know that has had really toxic effects on my body and harmed my health, so changing from internalising anger to expressing it is necessary as I work towards healing. In real life situations I am starting to learn to express anger (constructively not destructively) by developing assertiveness and valuing myself enough to do that. So making sure I'm not harming anyone but taking care of my own boundaries as well.

A think bit by bit we heal and eventually find some kind of equilibrium, but it is quite a journey isn't it! Thanks for being so kind to share those thoughts and strategies and all the very best on your journey.

[sashamentalhealth]

hi eagle ray,

yes i definitely relate to you on how cathartic it is to allow yourself feel that anger. im glad youve also found ways to heal and ensure you can express your anger and whatever emotions you have.

thank you for sharing!

[mmMekitty]

Hello Sashamentalhealth,

My anger has always been a tricky thing for me, not being able to express it except to cry, & wanting to, but feeling afraid of my anger because it felt so big & scary inside, I feared any other expression - until I'd kind of collapse into tears. But that might only have happened if I hadn't begun writing everything I was thinking & feeling, in my effort to find the words, so maybe one day, when I felt I could trust the Psychiatrist I'd begun seeing in 1993 or continue to feel all my emotions were out of my control.

I wrote letters, real, long letters to a couple people, because I felt a desperate need for them to understand just what they put me through & how it was affecting me decades after. Back then, I didn't realise just how much I had been affected either. Now, I could write another twenty pages.

They didn't understand. But I told them; that much I can say.

I also painted.

One day I was sitting in a big metal framed chair, with thick padding, & I was feeling so much anger, I turned & punched the chair. I did that while drunk. I couldn't have if I'd been sober.

I do not advocate alcohol as a way of managing emotions or any other psychological crisis - the idea that it could help is an illusion. 

I tried other ways to separate myself from my emotions but avoiding them or denying them isn't something I could do anymore. 

It's been many years since then, & I'm managing my emotions better. I have had to face them, recognise & name them, talk about them with my current Psychiatrist. I'm learning how to take care of my own boundaries, too, as well as learning to speak up & assertiveness - so much better than if I was to 'explode' with anger when people are treating me with disrespect & when my needs aren't being recognised, when frustrated with trying to be heard & understood.

I haven't been able to scream nor even loud yelling.

I used to sing, with a better voice than I have now, & could sing loudly, so sometimes I sang loud 'angry' songs, sort of wearing the emotion the performer was expressing, & sang the feelings.

Although my voice has changed, I still want to sing because it's fun.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[sashamentalhealth]

hi mmMekitty,

thank you for sharing, it looks like you've really been working on yourself and i am happy and proud of you for doing so. i hope we continue our journey on healing and working on the boundaries we set for ourselves.

warm regards

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your kind comments sashamentalhealth.

And MK, I understand that feeling of anger being such a big and scary emotion. I too would collapse in tears rather than express the anger. My mother, although she grew up with a similar pattern of childhood abuse to me, would explode in volcanic-like eruptions of rage whereas I contained it all, much to the detriment of my health. She redirected her mother’s rage that she absorbed onto me. I think she realised just before she died how much she had abused me in this way. I had started standing up to her and only then did she start to really self-reflect.

 I think a healthy balance can be attained where anger morphs into assertiveness that can even be quite polite, only becoming more forceful if necessary, while always remaining respectful. In my last session with my psychologist we spoke about how animals will naturally protect their own boundaries. The two dogs I used to live with were like this. If one was annoying the other, such as trying to play fight when the other wasn’t up for it, the second dog would bare her teeth and snarl/growl. The other dog got the message to back off. It was never personal and all over in seconds. I think when we’ve experienced complex trauma in childhood we don’t necessarily learn this natural instinct for protecting our boundaries. Instead we are often appeasing our abusers as a way of protecting ourselves from possible future harm. Pete Walker who writes about complex trauma calls this the fawn response. I did this a lot in the past but really unlearning it now and learning to get a bit fierce in order to protect myself and my own interests. I guess you could call it mama bear instinct - what a bear mother will instinctively do to protect her cubs, except doing it for our own inner child.

 I liked what you wrote about singing the angry songs. I think that performative approach is a great way of getting it out and feeling the empowerment in your body that gives you strength and assertiveness. When I once had a stressful, bullying, micromanaging boss at work I wrote a dark song about her. It was about dissolving the darkness into light. She would never hear it of course but it empowered me and I subsequently stood up for myself in my next performance review with her. She acted more gentle with me after that.

 I find the more I learn assertiveness the less anger has a hold of me. I still fall into intense anger at times in relation to certain memories of awful things, not just what’s happened to me but others I care about. But this intense anger is diminishing as I learn to express myself and my needs/boundaries in the moment.

[Moonbeamer]

Dear Sashamentalhealth... hoping you are doing well!

Thanks for your story... the letter idea sounds helpful. 

Anger is tricky - it  - and any sort of assertiveness -was punished severely in my past, even when such feelings were justified. I learnt to turn it on myself and still deal with the urge to self harm. Anger has also translated to hellish rumination - without the healthy channelling of anger towards its true cause, it seems my brain prefers to go around and around and around trying to work out how and what happened. Almost as though my brain is desperate to let abusers have the benefit of doubt, and blame myself, rather than write those abusive folk off, ignore them and move on.

The letter project sounds cathartic... it sounds exhausting also... maybe it can help switch off rumination...?

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Moonbeamer,

 I empathise with what you say about internalising anger. I have done that for years because, like you describe, trying to assert myself even when justified led to horrible consequences that were more damaging to me. If it’s any encouragement I think I am starting to find some assertiveness now, finally in my late 40s. I‘m sure health struggles I’ve had are related to the internalisation of anger. I feel there are improvements as I gradually learn to channel it into assertiveness. My worst fears are not eventuating from growing assertiveness either, as I’m discovering the normality of boundaries that didn’t exist in my family of origin and that it is normal and healthy to express boundaries. I’m finding I’m gradually ruminating less too. It hasn’t gone away completely but is less prevalent.

I’ve read stuff on the default mode network, the part of the brain that often chronically ruminates, especially in those with trauma histories. Apparently being absorbed in a task you enjoy is one of the best ways of quietening down the default mode network. For me that has been photography that completely absorbs me. I started playing my guitar again recently and singing which also really help in a transformative kind of way. It can sometimes be hard to do these things when stuck in a rut, but I find if I can manage to do them it always does help.

 I hope you can find some ways to turn the anger around so it doesn’t go against the self. I understand it because I went through a period last year where there were self harm urges and very dark states that just came upon me. I feel like it’s a darkness that’s been passed down the family line. But I do feel I am turning it around now and I really wish for you that you can too. It’s like retraining your nervous system to respond and orient to life differently. Take care and all the best.

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone

A thought: Does it feel safer to turn the anger inward upon ourselves, rather than outwards towards those who have harmed us?

I know for myself it did, even after I knew it was causing myself harm to keep quiet & not acknowledging where the wrongs really lay.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

Yes, absolutely, I think it feels safer to turn the anger inwards, especially in childhood where the pattern is usually learned. I’ve done it chronically so people have thought I’m someone who never gets angry. About 18 years ago I remember a housemate saying, “Do you ever get angry? I never see you get angry. What do you say when you get angry? Poo poo?”. That last comment was referring to the fact I don’t normally curse or swear and make out everything is fine no matter what. I think even I wasn’t aware I had internalised anger, I suppressed it so severely.

Fortunately I am now realising there is anger there, learning to get in touch with it and express it assertively and non-destructively. I have an autoimmune disease that destroys the bile ducts. When you think about what anger does, it produces bile. I’m certain the autoimmune mechanism stems from a lifetime of severely repressed anger that turned against myself. I was also exposed to rage repetitively by both my parents, so the whole atmosphere was bile inducing.

 The disease I have can be life threatening, so it’s the biggest wake up call ever that I have to recognise anger processes in my body and learn to externalise them in healthy ways. Seeing my psychologist has helped with this, especially as she works from a somatic perspective which really suits me. I’m learning it actually feels so much better to be assertive and it makes life easier. But I think the giant fear I’ve always lived with is other people will get angry at me and hurt me if I try to assert myself. I’m finally learning that isn’t true and that people even respect you more and treat you better when you are clearly and respectfully assertive. Life becomes much easier in a way I never thought it would for me. It does take some practice and I’m still learning it, but I feel a lot better speaking up for myself more and more and prioritising my own needs too, which I so ignored before. 

So I really understand you turning inwards MK. I totally get it and it’s a very understandable thing to do when expressing anger and asserting oneself isn’t safe. You could imagine yourself as LRC defending her space, which cats can be quite good at doing. I find looking to animals, who are often more in touch with their instincts than us humans, can really help.

Hugzies,

ER