Wanting to isolate

[Patches63]

TW: content may trigger due to info about emotional abuse/DV

For years I’ve not been comfortable being around lots of people.  Family gatherings have me feeling on edge and wanting to go home just after I arrive.  I have Adult Separation Anxiety and fears of abandonment and struggle in make/keep friends.  Due to this I have small group of 6 friends.

recently received message from one of these people checking up on me as I hadnt been online for couple of days.  After mentioning I was struggling with anxiety and had been keeping to myself I was chastised.  Part of me knows she trying to do right thing but it immediately took me back to early teen years where I was emotionally controlled.  That night the nightmares started again.  Nightmares of times I had blocked out for decades and now wish I could get rid off.  From early to mid teens I was child of DV and was emotionally controlled by my dad.  Everything I did, everywhere I went only happened if he allowed it to happen.  This at times included me not being able to attend days of secondary school.  Late home from anywhere or did anything without permission and I was verbally abused.

In my nightmares at times my dad is the abuser and other times it is the person who recently sent me the message.  I have trouble trusting anyone and this has left me feeling even more worried about trusting anyone.  Since getting the message only times I’ve left the house has been for bare essential items.  Had made arrangements to spend few hours with different friend today but found I couldn’t pluck up the courage.  Phoned and explained I couldn’t make it, again.  Know isolating and being on my own ( have pets for company ) isnt good long term for mental health but at the moment just want to everyone to leave me alone

Patches

[white knight]

Hi welcome 

One of the most difficult thing people with mental health issues face is to accept they don't have to do what others do. You are unique with unique restrictions.

Those that seek to be hermits or semi hermits have that right, if that lowers anxiety then family gatherings are out. You could see if couples or individuals visit you in the calm of your own home if that is tolerable. 

I have got into a habit in family gatherings to say "hello everyone" then spend all my time with those I care most about.

It's OK to be elusive,  private, minimal contact, you are not chained to norms.

Here is a thread I wrote  today about dealing with toxic family members.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/people-violating-your-basic-value...

I hope that helps

TonyWK 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Patches

I've not been comfortable in social situations, either. Parties were the worst. The people, the noise, the not knowing what to say or do, the knowledge I was on my own, feeling little or no real connection with anyone at the parties, including family. Or most especially family, I should say.

When I was young, living at home, I was expected to be there.

But now I am living on my own, I don't have to do that sort of thing.

I have very few friends too. None I would call close. I'm not putting myself at risk anymore.

So, I guess, I'm agreeing with TonyWK, in that you may choose to live as you like, well, hopefully, you are not breaking any laws, & not hurting anyone - including yourself.

I'm not sure if 'antisocial' is the right word, but maybe you've developed a form of social phobia? Something to talk to a professional about to be sure. 

I'm thinking, maybe it's not that you want to isolate, but you do because being out in the world has you feeling like a target & vulnerable.

That friend who was chastising you, maybe you'd like to tell them their words were not helpful. Maybe you'd like to tell them what you really thought & felt about what they said?

Dragging all the effects of this into yourself,, sadly, doesn't do you a lot of good.

I very much would like to encourage you to talk more about how you feel with someone you trust to at least respect what you say & not respond so critically.

Having my PDr, who does that several times tends to make me feel I can say such things to people out there.

Hugzies

mmMekitty