Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Well I’ve had a lovely day. Breakfast with friends, then DH went home and I caught up step-daughter. We book had much needed venting time then did some retail therapy. DH committed us to babysit his GC tomorrow. I have psych appt in the arvo and have organised to collect something I ordered on the way. So will be leaving DH to it! Not my circus, not my monkeys!

Re: withdrawing from people when you’re going through something. Usually my problem is that I keep myself so busy that I don’t feel. This time around but I have withdrawn. Mainly because my resources are depleted. I don’t have the energy to communicate. I recognise I’ve been very depressed. I’m not out of it yet but I’m determined to untangle the enmeshment I’ve been experiencing with DH. I need to spend time with loving, nurturing people, thankfully I have some lovely friends.

Yes, the PTSD curse! Because you’ve always had to cope, people assume you’re ok. I told my psych once that I want to do a damsel in distress course because no one ever realises that I need support. Lol. I tell people what’s going on but I clearly don’t portray my distress.

You certainly have your priorities right Em. Far better to create a healing environment for you and your family than to work 80hrs a week.

Yeah to our “girl tribe.”

I feel so blessed to have your support.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Sounds like you had a wonderful day alright, go girl! I like your circus / monkeys attitude lol.

I feel blessed and grateful I have you too. Thankyou for your friendship, it means the world to me.

It's so nice to hear you're getting out and meeting up with people. It's so good for the soul.

Knowing you better, it's no wonder depressive feelings were felt at this time of year. But the added stuff of house, Covid, I don't want to list them all because they're in the "past" and if you can escape some times, then more power to you.

We had a storm here tonight. Lightning, thunder, HAIL even, the lot. Now it's super freaking freezing lol and we're all feeling it.

I seldom ever meet up with friends. I'm so snowed under with the kids all the time that I can barely even choose foods I like to eat, then prepare them. Seeing others outside my immediate family is hard to make happen, so I basically don't bother trying.

A lady at my work wanted to have coffee some times and I really like her. I still haven't even thought about how or when. IDK I feel low when I think about stuff like that too often.

I guess we're pretty much experts at getting ourselves out of depression. I'm pretty good at it now lol, I've had plenty of experience, that's for sure.

Plus there's my overgrown garden too. So much to do all the time that needs doing.

I guess I should come on the list some where beyond the important things of MH & Drs appointments, kids and garden lol.

I never do though.

That's why this forum is so important to me. I am socially isolated atm.

Better sleep now, take care. Can't wait to hear how DH went with his GC lol.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Totally understand your time being limited. I remember when I had a family at home and was working, there wasn't much time then to catch up with friends. When your younger children are older I'm sure you'll have more space then to meet up with friends or make new ones.

DH coped with GC. We went out in the morning to a cafe for a drink with them. I made lunch. Then I decided to leave even earlier than I had initially thought I would. I picked up my parcel and I wandered around the shops till it was time to go to my appointment. Thoroughly enjoyed having the space. My son tried to ring me during my appointment. So I sat in my car and phoned him back before I went home. Knowing full well that by doing that I would miss the GCs being picked up. I got home as they were literally pulling out of the drive. All in all a well planned day on my part.

My psych raised the issue of a couple's session which I knew he would..... I know we need to do it just don't know if I'm in the head space. That said, I made the appointment for the earliest time I could get which is the 6/8. I haven't told DH yet, I will, just need my head in the right space and I have a migraine ATM.

Were your ears burning lovely lady? I told my psych about the smoking ceremonies that you did for R and I. I got emotional when I told him. Also said you showed me more empathy than DH did.

DH and I have had sessions with my psych in the past, years ago. So my psych knows him. He said today, DH is a good man, he has some behaviours that need to be addressed but apart from that he's a good man. He's right, I know he is, it's just that relationships are such hard work and I'm exhausted. Just need this stupid house to sell. Insert lots of swears words in here in relation to Covid 19 and how it has impacted everyone. There is a lack of confidence in terms of the economy so people are reluctant to commit to big purchases like houses. I will be so glad when this year is behind. I saw a meme the other day of FB and it said "If 2020 was a medication what would it be?" The answer was a colonoscopy prep. Sounds about right to me.

Well I better go and look at organising dinner.

Big cyberhug to you.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Colonoscopy prep! OMG I have to do one later this year! SNAP lol.

Yes 2020 can go dig a hole & bury itself. I can understand the insecurities in the property market but really?
The A.C.T. is apparently stable through everything lol with so many Govt workers. I don't live there any more. I used to a LONG time ago.
So the rest of us just have to put up with.

Has the Agency asked to lower your price?
That's what I see coming next.

I think you organised the timing of your day perfectly my dear! DH did well with the GCs? AWESOME then he doesn't need your help lol!

I think we have LOTS of places to visit on your jaunts. I will live through you atm lol.

Relationships - said like Lurch on the Addams Family - there's no creepy font I can use!
I totally suck at relationships of all types. I'm lucky to have so many long patient friends, but I never get to see them. Sometimes for years.

Dear DH sighhhhh. The truth is that no one can show you the empathy you need unless they've gone through as much as you. Try finding someone like that! They're probably trying desperately to recover with PTSD etc etc.

We are sisters in our lifetimes. No one else can understand. I'm sorry for you and for me that they can't but I'm forever grateful they didn't go through what we've gone through.

I would love you to watch "The Call to Courage" by Brene Brown WITH DH. It's on Netflix. I'm watching it on repeat atm.

DH probably thinks "I'm a man. I'm the man in this relationship so I'm gonna stay strong for Mara. Just stay strong and fix whatever I can for her". IDK.

Many people haven't "done the work" on themselves and no one's perfect anyway. I believe that when we DO and are CONTINUING to do "the work on ourselves" we can kinda outgrow others.

We may even feel repelled, abandoned or rejected by others by their words, actions or INactions.

I'm sure they don't intend to make us feel these ways. But we do.

Is this the little Mara and EM reacting this way?
IDK.

Asking for what we need can make us feel SO vulnerable. Everyone's afraid of feeling vulnerable. Everyone.
It may give another person the OPPORTUNITY to reject, abandon, hurt us.
We get on with it by ourselves.
It doesn't help.

You need vulnerability to BE courageous. Us Lions ARE courageous. But we need to be vulnerable first.

Hugs for our Smoking Ceremonies. Glad you weren't here in IRL it was SMOKEY!

Love you EM

[ecomama]

Re: cooking easy dinners...

I've put up some of my really easy recipes on the cooking thread if you want to have a squiz.

The Honey mustard chicken is SO easy and tastes like a gourmet chef made it lol! unbelievable.
The potato dish I posted after that goes beautifully with it. it soaks up all the yummy gravy from the chicken dish.

It's taking me 4 x longer to make dinners now! After almost 20y of using the flunked up oven and stove, I flounder around with all the elements and ugh. My old oven cooked about 40 degrees hotter than it should've lol and after 20 years I GOT USED to that. What a palaver. omg who would think I'd be complaining about new freaking appliances. 1st world problems. "I'm grateful" grrr.

It was actually quite weird, fun and happy thoughts lol, to use the GRILL yesterday to make a avo & cheese melt. It burnt the edges (argh) but I put butter and vegemite on the burnt edges and yum.

Stumbling through I guess.

Everything's so wet here today. It's raining, raining, raining. Only light for the past few days which is good - no flooding. But raining.

Hope you have a lovely day.

I'm glad you've booked a couple's session. Your psych sounds amazing. I'm so glad you have him.

xxxx love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I took your advice today and watched Brené Brown on Netflix. OMG! So much of what she says I can relate to. I will have to watch it a couple of times because of my difficulty with concentration. But I have so much to take to my psych as a result of watching this today.

I have definitely been responding emotionally as the little Mara. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable. It is also hard for me to express emotion. I often don’t know what I’m feeling. I discussed with my psych a while back, that I have been controlled my whole life by fear. It is so hard for me to stand out. My fear of criticism, judgement of not be good enough, have stopped me from achieving all that I could have done.

Thank you so much for recommending Brené Brown to me. I will look at her books once I feel my head is a little clearer.

My work for this week is acceptance and gratitude. Acceptance being the tougher one for me but I’ve set that goal for myself and I will apply myself to it.

You are so right about empathy. DH doesn’t understand, how can he? He had a happy childhood with loving parents. He’s never lost a child. So how can he know. That said, there are so many things he does do right. I’m confident that after a few couple’s sessions we’ll be back on track.

I am also challenging myself to be vulnerable. I’m sure as I work through stuff with my psych I will get there. As you say “we are lions and lions are courageous.”

Much love

Mara

ps I replied on your thread. I plan on trying your chicken recipe soon xx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mara - glad you are enjoying Brene Brown 🙂 It's nice to read supportive books. Hope you've been well

[Mara56]

Hi Sleepy 21,

Nice to hear from you. I’m grateful to Em for putting me onto Brené Brown. My concentration is terrible due to the PTSD so I will have to watch it a couple of times. But so much resonated for me. So lots to work on with my psych.

In terms of whether I’m well........... Physically I have some stuff going on. Hopefully the specialist I’m seeing tomorrow will be able to help me with that. Emotionally, I’m up and down. Today I’m ok, yesterday I wasn’t. Got to love the PTSD journey. Lol.

I hope you’re keeping well Sleepy 21.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

The Chicken recipe is GOOD! Everyone loves it here lol.

Yes I think I've watched The Call to Courage about 20 times over the past year. It's pretty awesome stuff.

YOU ARE COURAGEOUS. You see a Psych. You have to be vulnerable to BE courageous. So you do allow yourself to be vulnerable and hence be courageous.

You might not see it but it's as CLEAR as day to me.

Acceptance woah you chose a really "easy" one Mara!
NOT.
Please don't go punishing yourself if acceptance isn't fully achieved by Friday lol.

The process of acceptance can take decades.

I want you to practice self-compassion. Sleepy put me on to Kristen Neff and I bought her workbook.
She has YouTube talks for later lol.

Brene Brown for the Tsunami this week.
Kristen this week too might just be a tidal wave.

We are not drowning Mara this week. Or next.

Please breathe OUT through this. Apparently getting the CO2 OUT is what we need to do.

I'm pretty excited that you liked Brene Brown. She's funny.

Hearing Ks voice today I gasped lol. Omg I missed his accent lol. Smooth as caramel. Brene's is broader but still potentially comprehensable lol. That isn't a word.... well it is now!

In understanding Brene's work more, I realised my confidence has been shattered by a$$holes my psych friend said tonight. I also had a Narc boss for years and she played all the Narc games. I saw others literally begin to shake when they heard her coming.
My boss now is great but yeah the after effects.

I'm so glad you have lots of stuff to talk with your psych about.
I can't talk in my sessions for long at all. Thank God for my Counsellor! lol

Gotta get to bed.

Lots of love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I'm not travelling so well today, so forgive me if I keep it brief and I don't respond on your other thread.

I had my appt with the Gastro-Enterologist today. I had the option to have Telehealth but chose to see her instead. So glad I did. She hadn't received the report from my ultrasound and she had to chase up my pathology report. I thought it was odd that I hadn't heard from her but was telling myself that clearly she can't be worried. Well, she has leaped into action now. She is taking my report to a meeting of radiographers she is attending on Friday morning at one of the major hospitals in our state. She wants to discuss how best to proceed whether to do an MRI or ultrasound via endoscope. She sent me immediately to have more blood tests. I'm anaemic again. It's an ongoing issue for me. So she wanted that checked further and she also checked for cancer markers. Should the expert opinion be that I have the ultrasound via endoscope I will have to have it at that hospital.

Em, I wish I could cry. I hate that hospital. I don't know if you believe in people being able to pick up on energy but I can. I felt the anguish at Port Arthur before the massacre happened there. My brother was admitted to this hospital after he had his car accident. He was left a quadriplegic. I remember going to visit him in there and I would have a panic attack every time. I told my exH that if I ever end up in there he was to get me out of there as soon as possible. That was before my son and my mother died in that same hospital. I have always felt like I would die there.

By the time I left pathology today I was so close to a panic attack. I don't have a psych appt next week. I'm down for a cancellation but I don't know what is happening with these tests. So I don't know when or what they will be doing. So frustrating. I just hope they make a decision on Friday and she contacts me straight away so I don't have to sit on it over the weekend.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your previous post. I just can't think at the minute. I have read your post on your thread. Yeah to a new hairdo!

I'll leave it there.

Much love

Mara