Child Abuse and Neglect survivors

[PB92]

First time poster, needing insight from other survivors. Q is at the bottom if you don't need context

I've recently stopped talking to my parents because for the last 30 years they've been incredibly abusive and violent to one another.
I had lived with my parents on and off over the last (almost) 30 years, when not with my parents I was with my grandparents who were very nurturing and provided me with the few positive memories I've got. I've living independent for a few years now
My parents (mostly mum) was very harsh toward myself and my siblings growing up, verbally abusive and made us feel like anything that went wrong in her day was somehow our fault.
We were fed, clothed and had a roof over our head but we very rarely received any love. that doesn't sound like a lot when compared sexual and physical abuse survivors, but it's still affected me nonetheless.
Mum and dad were even more abusive to each other, violence occurring on occasion from both of them. Our house was the one the cops would always get called to. mum would often ask me to intervene as I was the oldest child, ask me to run next door and call the police on my dad, directly involving me in their fights. they would reset the next day and we made our way to another fight, (1 - 2 times a month).

still stuck in this cycle today, a few months ago I finally had enough called it quits, ceasing contact with them for the 2nd time this year (and in my life). strangely, I miss them. but when I think of them I get flashbacks to the abuse. This has been happening since ceasing contact 4 months ago. I know I'll never go back to them as long as they continue their behaviour.. and I know they absolutely will. I'm now coming to terms with life without my parents. Honestly, its bitter sweet.
I can now see the results of my childhood. I have trouble forming complex connections with people, I'm hyperventilate regarding my environment and relationships. I'm petrified of my own anger, isolating myself at the first sign of it (Im angry a lot), when I'm not angry, I'm mostly apathetic. I've spent the last 7 years numbing myself with alcohol, party drugs and weed. I've been sober a week now.

My question is will I ever move on from my childhood? will I ever be able to regularly feel something other than anger or apathy? Will I ever be able to form meaningful connections with people? Will my flashbacks ever stop?

how do you live a happy life when all you've known is the toxic potential of relationships?

- P

[Brave_girl]

Hi PB92

I really understand your experience. I grew up being neglected without positive attention, care & love. My parents were emotionally abusive. I got blamed for their issues and how their day was. They were emotionally verbally abusive to each other. My dad was an alcoholic. Now they both drink too much. I hardly see my parents & siblings. I have done a lot of work on my childhood and I think I will never get over it as it was traumatic however I think I have learnt to manage it & live with my experience. I have also managed to form a deep connection with 2 friends. I hope this helps you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi PB92,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here and sharing your experiences. Gosh, you sure know how to ask easy questions!

My first thoughts are yes, yes, yes and yes, even though I know it's so much more complicated than that.

Our experiences in our childhood shape us; the way that we think, feel, do things - we learn all of that from growing up and our relationships. But at the same time, we can also change the way we think, feel and do things; our brains are plastic and so we can always rewire our brain and make changes.

For me personally, I think the most important thing is for you to feel safe; working on managing the hyper-vigilance and the flashbacks. You are here now, in 2020 and you are completely safe. There is nothing that you have to do and nowhere that you need to go. Being able to feel safe can allow you to open up to new experiences - whether that's friendships or relationships. When you feel safer, you'll also be able to manage your emotions too; you might still feel anger or apathy, but it won't be quite as intense or take over your life.

I hope that this helps a little, or at least gives you a little bit more reassurance that things aren't stuck because of what you've been through; but instead you still have a lot of potential and positive experiences ahead of you.

rt

[OOTF75]

I feel your pain at so many different levels. It is hard to move on from those that were meant to love and protect you.

Each day will be a battle of sorts. But with each of those days where you feel your mind starting to fold within yourself, step away into your present moment and focus on your now.

Meditate somewhere that you find peaceful- I choose a close nature reserve and listen to the beauty of what is surrounding me. If you are unable to, there are plenty of apps with my fave being Calm.

I also found that psycho- education may help (but don’t let the OCD or over thinking brain engulf you). Pete Walker’s ‘From Surviving to Thriving’ was and still is my go to. It is available in audio which can be a blessing to listen to at a time that suits you.

Stay strong and try to connect with your own inner child. Love yourself as you would with a child.

Keep me posted on how you go x