Can’t sleep

[Ishtahandmirabi]

Hi, Just struggling to sleep. A lot of the trauma I went through was related to the time I spent in bed. I probably only got maybe 3 or 4 hours a sleep a night when I was a child. Now it’s so hard to sleep, I find myself hypervigilant. My children both sleep in my bedroom with me (my eldest on a rollaways bed) it’s the only thing I can do to get at least a little sleep. I lock the door and feel safer. My eldest is ten and yesterday he wanted to sleep in his own room and I said okay. I tried but as soon as I went to bed the trembling started and I was so terrified I took him back to my bedroom. I feel like I’m failing him, because a boy should be able to sleep in his own room and not have to keep his mother company because she’s too afraid to sleep with her bedroom door unlocked.

I just see them, you know. The people who’ve hurt me. I imagine them climbing in windows and kicking down doors. I imagine them creeping down the hallway to my bedroom and finding me asleep. These images are honestly terrifying. So I lock the door and I force my kids to sleep in my room. I’ve had counselling to try to deal with this, she got me to consistently try to sleep with the door open. It didn’t work and I tried it for 9 months. What ended up happening was that I’d fall asleep but even the slightest breeze would wake me so I was never going into a restful sleeps I’m just exhausted. I don’t want to do this forever. I don’t deserve this. I was just a child and I should have been safe and protected so I didn’t have to grow up with so many issues. Instead I’m tired and afraid every single day and the worst thing is that I feel like nobody sees it and if they did nobody would care.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Ishtahandmirabi,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you're here - and I hope that by being on the forums you can see that people do care very much.

I am so sorry to hear about your traumatic experience. You are absolutely right in that you should have been safe and protected. It's really unfair and devastating that you weren't.

I'm a little bit disappointed with your counsellor and how she got you to consistently sleep with the door open. This feels like the wrong move to me, since closing the door keeps you safe. I think what's more important is feeling safe enough in your bedroom that you feel safe enough to unlock the door. To feel safe enough to know that that was then and this is now, and you are safe now, and it is over now.

Would you ever be open to seeing another counsellor - one that specialises in trauma? I hope that you'll consider it.

rt

[Blake_S]

Hi Ishtahandmirabi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Thank you for having the courage to speak out, and letting us know what has been going on for you.

Like romantic_thi3f, I am so sorry to hear about your traumatic experience, and how the experience is causing you alarming distress today. It sounds like this is something you've been dealing with for a while, and you are champion for wanting to fight this. I see that you're tired, afraid, and think that nobody would care. But we care, we are here to listen to you and to support you. The forums are a safe place to voice your feelings!

I am too very disappointed with your counsellor, as someone who has worked with trauma in a mental health setting this upsets me. There are methods and certain ways to help people manage their trauma and it doesn’t sound like your counsellor did an adequate job. For that, I am sorry, you trusted someone to help you and they let you down.

Romantic_thi3f is spot on, there are counsellors who specialise in trauma, but I'd recommend a psychologist who specialises in trauma. Often psychologists have strict training, which would mean they would support you in a manner that you're comfortable with. Let us know if this is something you might consider if so, we can help point you in the right direction.

Thank you again for having the courage to post, we are with you on your journey and hope to hear from you soon.

All the best,
Blake _S 🙂

[iitzMickle]

Hey Ishta, I used to struggle alot with sleeping myself. Now when I’m going to sleep of a night I listen to a YouTube video on my Ipad from a channel called Minds in unison. They have a heap of subliminal sleep hypnosis videos and it just plays the sound of rain or whatever one you choose to listen to. I have had no dramas sleeping since listening to these videos. Hope this helps