C-PTSD: transcending the suffering and finding meaning

[Sean_S]

Hi all,

I've been reading through the threads and I am stunned at the wisdom I'm finding in there. Tearing up often at people's stories. I hope to make some contributions to this community as I go about healing. I feel like I'm only beginning my journey overcoming the trauma. I have CPTSD (preliminary diagnosis from a psychiatrist) and am currently working on finding a trauma-informed therapist that is bulk billing (fingers crossed).

Briefly, my story. I have alcoholic parents who were drunk every night for all of my childhood that I can remember. I was harassed and hounded at all hours of the night, consequently I developed a severe sleeping disorder. My bedroom was not a safe place, and I eventually learnt to block my door with furniture. I moved out to begin university, I was free temporarily, met a woman I loved but in 2013 I was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's lymphoma. I was 20 years old. We stayed together for 7 years, but I never fully recovered. She left me, understandably. I have chronic inflammation in my joints, despite being only 27. Vestibular migraines which cause me to be violently ill. I've been living back with my parents the past year which has been hell. So, I've been rather beaten up by life but am desperately trying to get healthy, get my independence and be free.

I'm suffering existentially and trying to find a sense of meaning that can sustain me. Confusion and desperation is what I feel. Overwhelmed by complexity. I'm always in a state of chronic hyper-arousal, my sympathetic nervous system is hammering away. It's becoming harder to avoid taking anti-anxiety medication (which is addictive). I've started taking cold showers everyday, to try to switch of the trauma response. It helps. I'm reaching out for help wherever I can. Trying to chart a path that can carry me out of the hell I'm in. I crave insights.

I want to know: for those of you much further down the pathway towards healing, what sustains you at your darkest moments? When you feel utterly hopeless, stuck between a rock and a hard place, suffocating? What did you use as your beacon, or your foundation? It would really nourish me to hear.

I also want to know: if you could deliver a message to your younger self about what you have learnt, what you believe is most fundamental in treating complex trauma, what things would you direct yourself towards? What things do you regard as irreducibly important to know?

Sean

[Guest_1643]

wow sean s

i relate to so much of what u write

felt unsafe growing up now 10 years later have severe sleep issues

reeally connect to peter levine and somatic approaches

he's my fave trauma therapist in the public eye

I'm sorry the questions you pose I can't offer because i'm still scared to look too deep into my past

but i like mindfulness and ACT for coping with my trauma. Bodywork. and getting angry. Putting blame and anger on those who caused harms, and in turn, going easy on myself. That approach helps me allow healing.

lovely to find you here sean. u sound like ur getting deep into the work, and i'm moved to read someone exploring similar ideas that i'm myself connecting to as well. thank u for sharing some of the things u've gone through, and correspondingly, what you've used to help urself. i'm sure they'll spark some interest in others and maybe give us all some more ideas of good treatments for ptsd. really humbled by ur posts and journey

[Jose_De_Freitas]

Contact Victims services on https://www.victimsservices.justice.nsw.gov.au/ - if oked you can get 20hrs initially therapy and a further 20hrs by applying - which i have received.

Best of british luck to you

[Backtheblue91]

Hi Sean,

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for sharing your experience. I wish I could say we as human beings could go through life without, trauma, hardship, opposition and a general lack of purpose but unfortunately I can’t.

I’ll share what has worked for me

my background of CPTS(the D is silent for a reason!)

- I grew up with an emotionally absent mother battling her own mental illness. , as a child I didn’t understand the complexities of this.

I felt unloved , neglected and more than ever I needed my mum.

unfortunately it didn’t work out and we have remained estranged. I met another woman, my dads partner in 1999 who was everything i could have imagined. she tragically passed away compounding my trauma.

During primary school I exhibited the classic signs of ADHD and felt like I never belonged anywhere probably to do with my pre existing sense of abandonment

i joined a first responder organisation a few years ago with the intention of improving the quality of lives for the community. For a variety of reasons things didn’t work out that way and due to the repeated exposure of trauma I witnessed on the job my PTS became so debilitating that i made the decision to resign from the job I had dreamed and aspired since I was a child

i remember afterwards I was drinking alcohol every single day engaging in risk raking behaviour and one day in January things came to a head and I began planning my suicide. By divine intervention that was prevented from happening. I finally realised I needed help. I have gone through multiple different treatment methods and I alrhough the trauma will always be there I personally learned:

- life is not fair, ‘biology is ruthless’

- You can’t control what’s going on around you only how you respond

- with the support of my family I took little steps each day to improve my situation:

- I stopped drinking spirits

- I refrained from the question of ‘why me’ to how I can better myself.

- I sought specific treatment to detach all the traumatic experiences of my path

- I try to take the personal responsibility approach for everything that happens to me, even the injustices as this helped me a) re-establish my sense of self worth and identity and b) regain control of my life and not be defined by others or my diagnosis.

- I am now doing a Juris Doctor degree and can actually begin to have a voice for the voiceless. I am blessed and I want to share my experience to give hope at a time it’s needed most

stay safe,

Rhys

[Backtheblue91]

And in regards to how I have made sense of these traumas. I have accepted them for what they are without repressing them, I used a number of therapies that detached the sub conscious emotions attached to an event(s) and over time have come to accept and let go (its definitely not easy and much more complex for others ) but I have finally found a sense of peace and passion to helping people in the mental health space while continuing my journey towards a purposeful life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Backtheblue91, 

We are realy sorry to hear about your experiences early this year, it sounds like it was really tough start to the year for you. It is really brave to share your story, thank you for doing that and for being a part of this community.

It sounds like it could be useful for you to speak to someone about how you are feeling, there are a few options for you below to see what might fit best. 

Beyond Blue 
1300 22 4636
Lifeline
13 11 14
Online Chat
https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx

Please remember that if you are feeling unsafe that this is an emergency and to call 000.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Backtheblue91]

Hi Sophie,

apologies for any confusion.

i was responding to a users post and have since 2020. established and continue to engage with my support networks but i appreciate that BB is there to bring light into people’s lives.

thank you for all that you do

all the best

[Sean_S]

Hey Rhys!

Love your response and inspired by your story and your advice is really spot on and hitting home with the things I've been reflecting on.

That is really rough, all that happened to you. That one-thing-after-another type of whipping from life (any one of those issues would be monumental on it's own) hurts, badly. To be so ambitious in your pursuits despite your suffering is admirable to me.

'life is not fair, ‘biology is ruthless’': who would have thought just how relieving it is to hear this? That has been one of the things I'm gradually realising and integrating. A sort of moral naiveté and an unexamined, unconscious belief that some sort of intrinsic 'fairness' or 'goodness' exists have been things I identified in myself. Like, a sort of protective blindness to realism. Particularly around the malevolent behavior we humans are capable of: a part of you doesn't want to confront it, but I've forced myself to. Biology, nature, fate and humans all have stunningly ruthless and random qualities. I think accepting that is paradoxically helpful.

'I try to take the personal responsibility approach'. This is the core approach in the book I mentioned in an earlier post. I've been reflecting on this idea (a lot) lately, so it's nice to have it validated and hear that it works for you. The existentialists ask us to take a radical ownership of our existence, freedom, meaning and choices, and it sounds like that sentiment has worked well for you. The author mentions 'personal responsibility' like a billion times, so I think you're on to something profound with that attitude.

There's so much more of what you've said that I could write a small essay in reply to on each point and how it resonates with me.

Passionately helping others; Controlling what you can: your response; Taking little steps; Refraining from 'why me' questioning and focusing on bettering yourself; getting the right help (I've just succeeded in finding a trauma-informed bulk-billing psyche and start in a month (a small miracle)). All your points seem to me to be a solid framework for meaning; a way to live despite C-PTSD.

I really appreciate your contribution Rhys.

And thanks to everyone for your replies and tips on this topic.

[Backtheblue91]

Hi Sean,

thank you. I enjoy listening to podcasts of that nature as well. The ego within us will say its all bs and just people exploiting the weak with buzzwords but that's not the case. People don't generally succeed by accident. All of these inspirational men walked through the depths of hell, sexually molested, homeless, or jobless living hand to mouth but they made the choice that life wasn't going to end like that. Just like fight or flight at some point we have to make a choice whether we want to get better or succumb to hopelessness. I can't control what happened to me as a child, I can't control having a diagnosis of ADHD & PTSD, I can't control the way things played out but I can control what I do.

Just like happiness, sadness, success, failure. None of those things are permanant so its all about the process for me. In the earlier stages of my PTS my purpose was simply to get out bed and make it, have a shower, brush my teeth they were big steps for me at the time until I worked through the unresolved issues holding me back. And the days I didn't know what to do I'd go help someone. In whatever capacity I could. If the worse thing that can happen to you in this mortal life's death then every thing else is an opportunity to learn and to grow. It takes time, it takes discipline and im by no means 100% PTS free but I am that much more equipped to deal with the symptoms. I am in control of my life. by God's grace I am here for a reason. So on the bad days I have to metaphorically play the role of drill sergeant. "Don't you dare give up, you have so much more to offer the world, your not there yet, but you will. One of my mentor's a PTS survivor himself puts a positive spin on "I'll never be the same again". Instead: "I am not the person I was but I'm the person I was supposed to be and he has since recovered and changed so many lives including mine.

else you have the power within in you to push through anything and come out a champion. You know this deep inside you just need reinforcement and that's what this community pledges to do.

You are all brave, courageous individuals for even being here. Just keep up the good fight!

Life is short, make it meaningful in whatever way you can, and if all else fails go help someone. It always works. Because it is what we were born to do that's why we feel good when we do it because when we leave an impression on another human being that gives our life meaning.

stay safe everyone.