Hi and welcome,
A book that may be helpful is “Trauma and Memory: Brain and Body in a Search for the Living Past” by Peter Levine. That may be helpful in understanding how traumatic memories are often stored differently to other memories and ways of approaching them.
It could be helpful to work with a therapist who is experienced in working with trauma and traumatic memories. You can get a Mental Health Care Plan referral from a GP that will give you up to 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. There can still be a gap to pay. I don’t know if this is affordable for you, but if you go down that path I have found it’s worth searching for the right therapist to work with first rather than relying on the GP’s recommendation, but the GP could know of a good person who’s trauma-informed.
I started on working on conscious memories in therapy without realising I even had blackouts as well. For me the blackouts are from very early in life and have emerged as visceral body memories combined with very primal emotions of distress and fear. I have had to be really gentle with myself through this. Are you getting anything like this coming up or do you just have an awareness of blackouts?
Depending on whether it feels comfortable and safe or not, you could try speaking with other relatives about what they remember. I have started doing this just with particular relatives I feel safe enough with. It has been like putting puzzle pieces together.
I really recommend going gently as having blacked out memories emerging can be quite powerfully impacting and overwhelming. I have dissociative identity disorder and one way I have been able to help myself is work as a team with my inner parts to support dealing with trauma memories as they push through. But even people with complex trauma without DID usually have dissociated parts of self who are just not experienced as separate identities. It’s possible to work with these parts to gradually integrate memories.
I have also done things like sound healing and using altered states of consciousness during which I’ve had direct access to memories I had no access to previously. But for me it has been absolutely essential for me to be in control of this process. Because of the nature of my trauma I can’t stand the feeling of anything being done to me, and that’s why I pulled out of doing some work with a hypnotherapy person 5 years ago, because I sensed my nervous system wasn’t ready and couldn’t tolerate that experience. I’m very averse to the feeling of anything being done to me because of the nature of past trauma and want to feel like I’m directing what is happening as much as possible.
I had one session of EMDR which for me caused extreme flooding of memories and severe retraumatisation. I’m still being impacted by that in distressing ways 9 months later. But some people are helped by it if it’s very carefully modified and adapted for complex trauma. There is another approach called Deep Brain Reorienting which I heard someone with DID say was less brutal than EMDR and it really helped them. I have really liked an approach called Somatic Experiencing which I initially used on conscious memories, but I’ve also been able to apply it to the stuff that was previously blacked out for me and has started coming to the surface. I can actually do this on my own but initially did this approach with my therapist which helped my mind and body understand how trauma resolution can happen. I’m learning the mind and body has its own innate intelligence and is slowly showing me memories, mostly through feelings and some images, at a pace I can handle, but it’s pretty unpleasant at times.
The ages you were where you can’t remember may have an impact. If you had some good resourcing early (e.g. at least one safe caregiver) that can give more stability in dealing with later memories. If trauma was present from very early you can need to go extra carefully to avoid really primal flooding. You could also speak with the Blue Knot Foundation who deal with complex trauma on 1300 657 380.
Those are just some thoughts. I’m not sure if they’re helpful but I hope you can find some support and ways to start addressing the lost memory. Take care.
