Battling

[Old_Kiwi]

I have lived with this beast for a long time and I thought I had it sussed, I was feeling confident enough to arrange for a trade to do some work.long story short what was supposed to be 1 day turned into a 6 visit saga over 2 months and unfortunately included an episode where the incompetent salesperson demanded payment on the incomplete job whilst inside my house. although I was able to demand he left at that time I have since been really struggling as my mind is now back to that unsafe place and the haven I had worked so hard to find (my home) now doesn’t feel “safe” anymore.

Now , months later I am still struggling to regain any control. I feel like I’m back to the beginning and I’m so over the constant battle.

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi~

I too listen audio books and ABC podcasts.. On the practical side there is a U.S. public domain site called Librivox where a huge variety of audio books can be listened to direct or downloaded for free. The range is amazing and unlike Audible does not charge. You may find some in each you like.

Yes, getting back to reading has been a blessing, however it did not happen straight away, in fact it took an episode in hospital to get me started on easy-to-read adolescent's fantasies that had puns and wordplay as part of the writing style. Each line then became something that took my interest. A far cry from my speed reading past. As my concentration improved so did my reading. Now I'm back where I should be. Took time.

Perhaps a combination of wanting to escape current feelings and the skill of the authors accounted for my recovery, combined wiht a lessening of symptoms. One thing I do believe is that getting to a better place is non-linear, each aspect of recovery is enhanced by the others, giving me more strenght faster than I expected as time went on.

As an example as my concentration and memory improved I read more, this in turn improved my concentration and memory and also helped lessen undesirable thoughts. It became one of my coping mechanisms. For narrowing the focus to stop the mind spinning I've had good results (after practice) with the free smartphone app Smiling Mind.

I have to confess there was one major disappointment in NZ, no matter where we looked we could not find Footrot Flats, or even Raupo, the closest town.

There was one other downside, but I'll let you read it for yourself

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qp45J3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

(copy link and paste into your browser)

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Dear Croix.

Ah, Fred Dag, many a belly laugh there. Raupo’s name was changed to Hobbiton mate, they compulsively acquired it for the filming and Fred and the Dog crossed the ditch just like all the rest of us.
Hobbiton really IS my hometown, I was raised on a dairy farm about 5 miles from the movie set. I’m very grateful for that introduction to life and still yearn to live in the country again 40 plus yrs later, I still miss the green. However I’ve accepted that it’s not a great idea as I’m ageing and it would most probably exacerbate my tendency to shut it all out. I’m noticing a distinct change in my thought patterns which I am putting down to feeling connected again, both with the new Dr and here on this forum. Had 2nd Dr visit and I’m feeling even better about that, finally a connection 🤞

Audible has filled a few hours too, also discovered podcasts, winner winner. It’s good to hear different voices to my own lol. I hope Audible leads me back to books but in the meantime I’m loving “reading” in bed again.
This recent feeling of wellbeing which I know is because I’ve finally opened some doors has led me to a profound decision friend. I’ve decided to sell my too big house and do the downsize thing. I’ve thought about it long and hard over several years as it’s become progressively harder on my own and I acknowledge that having my “safe zone” invaded as recently occurred has crystallised it for me. It’s time for NEXT.

I’m moving , and I’ve decided to move to an over 50s Lifestyle Community. I’m opening the door to connection big time.

Man, am I going to have to breathe. I’m really shaking it up.
Wish me luck as I dive into the deep end!

Old Kiwi

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi~

I guess the first thing to say is that you sound a fair bit better than when you came here - I'm very glad, things are changing

The second thing to say is when I'm good I can deal with people, and good can be for long periods, BUT there are still times I need to be by myself. Otherwise all the pressures of being with others plus those from inside myself tend to become too much. This is no criticism of others, just a limitation in me.

I have a happy married life and still manage to have a fair amout of time by myself. I'm lucky we've found a balance that works for us.

May I suggest that wherever you decide to go to there is both? Social interaction when you want it, and peace in solitude when you don't. Without semi-strangers bothering you too much with well meaning enquiries.

I've no idea what an 50s Lifestyle Community is which prompts me to say the above. I could not live in other's pockets.

I think you had started to become a different person when you ordered the tradesmen for the first time, your new GP plus being here has reinforced that and I am very sure you are getting there, so please do not be discouraged by my caution.

Croix

OK?

Croix