Am I going to be ok?

[Wildlings]

I have a life time of trauma and abuse.and at 52 yrs old only just now searching for help.raised I a radical Christian family I have a history of religious and spiritual abuse, a narcassist mother who seemed to dislike me and allowed my siblings to beat me...sexually abuse on the church youth group and my sisters husband..who was also our cousin ..I had that wonderful gift a child has of simply forgetting..until.last year when a simple name triggered a wave of memories..I've struggled throughout my life with drug addiction ,crime,thr inability to find love and keep it..I sabotage everything good on my life.. I have a long line of abusive relationships..I have been alone now for 10 years..unfortunately my only attempt at lobe turned put the biggest mistake of my life.. he was an artist poet narcassist who tangled me up.so badly that he managed to have me charged becuse I'm human and I cracked...I've broken and repaired my life countless times I fought back and soon got cornered again and his actions are praised and mine get labelled as bad behaviour..I've been abit Manic,talking flat out because I keep getting shut down so i rush before anyone brushes me of as crazy...I have high pressure job which I will lose becUse of my charges..I live in a very small community and prove I have known all my life have turned away from me and support a convicted drug dealer and con man..he has love bombed the community and isolated me..I can't sleep I eat only when I'm hungry...I'm struggling with my work and maintaining friendships..I can't seem to get anyone to understand me or believe me...I've had an unbelievable life..I describe it as ,I've been around the world a 1000 and Ive never left my seat..but I have no will left to fight...and I've stopped talking about myself ou r a fear of no t being accepted or my story being too dark...I've had partners encourage me to open up only to be labelled emotionally weak...where do I start this healing..counselling is so expensive..5his is like a bad dream where running on air not getting anywhere ..

[Yana8216]

hey wildlings

sounds like your life has been a lot like mine "a rich tapestry of events".
I was also raised in an unconventional Christian church. I think the false teachings are partly responsible for the ongoing battle I have with alcoholism. I would label myself emotionally weak, I think a lot of others would also. Lets think of ourselves instead as empathetic and putting others first'; which is a good thing.
Con men are very clever. My family relied on a natural therapist for years and he was recently convicted. Con men are exactly that "con" = convincing. Sweet as pie. Honest as the day is long (not). Very, very convincing. Went to seminars in America and had printed plaques on his wall convincing.
I'm glad you've found out the truth about your ex partner, now you can find someone genuine.

I've made a mess of things in the past, all is forgiven. 52 is still young, what are your dreams for the future?
I know it feels really tough sometimes but hang in there, it's worth it. The world and the people therein are pretty amazing 🙂