Newbie. Survivor of childhood sexual abuse

[Chartres]

Hello people this is my 1st time doing this-online posts. I'm in my early 50s trying to survive trauma from child sexual abuse (CSA) by the father, which started pre-verbal years & continued till I left home abruptly at 16. There were also ocassions where I was prostituted to other men (in the family home). The mother new about a few incidences, but did nothing. All my life she has been antagonistic & belittling toward me, has never been interested in wanting to understand me or how I'm coping. My early 30s was when the first wave of memories started surfacing. What an horrendous period. I won't go into it, needless to say ive been in & out of the Psych ward a few times. I thought I had recovered, then memories flared again in my 40s & again during the RC Inst.ChildAbuse & again when Grace Tame won Austr.of the year. A few days ago it all got overwhelming I didn't sleep, broke out in clammy sweat, stomach churning body constantly shaking all through the night. I called Lifeline (1st time ever) for advice/tips to cope & the lady said "you are the expert in your life" "I don't have the answers for you") and there were long uncomfortable pauses. I was shocked. I hung up. Now I'm too scared to call back in case I get her again. I decided to call Beyond Blue. The lady was kind & took the lead in the conversation which I needed. She gave me tips on how to distract whirling thoughts. On Friday I saw my GP & we started on a journey: get a Mental Health Plan; I've contacted the Sexual Assault Support Service (I'm on an 8 week waiting list for counsellor 😩). I've been there before in early 30s.

But what I have decided people, is that this time I want to go all the way to where I can confront the perpetrator/s (& the mother but I doubt she'll be open to communication) & report to the police. CSA has really ruined my life, I've never been able to develop normal friendships or relationships with people, particularly men. I fear intimacy & as a result have been on my own. So I'm a loner. I'm over it, I'm sick & tired of being the one who has to pick up the broken pieces of my life & make something out of it, which is always deformed;sick that the perpetrators have normal healthy financially stable lives with their wives & families. I want to seek justice as far as I can (although I know the chances & the stats around that). It's going to be a long painful journey;no doubt costly in more ways than 1 but if I don't try then I haven't given myself the best chance! 😊

[Sophie_M]

Hey Chartres,

Thank you so much for showing such courage in reaching out here today, we are incredibly sorry to hear about what trauma you have been through at such a young age. No one should ever be made to feel so unsafe in their own home, and we can only imagine what an impact this has had on your wellbeing. You've shown so much strength in sharing your journey here and reaching out for support, when this can be such a difficult step to take. We hear you and we are all here to help support you. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable, and you don't have to go through this alone. 

We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and you're wanting to heal emotionally. It's really great that you have taken such important steps in getting the support you need and deserve, and please also know that extra supports are available to you before your next appointment with a counsellor if this is something that you might find helpful. The understanding counsellors at 1800RESPECT offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse, and have a lot of experience offering advice to support to those who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or through webchat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au Our friends at Blue Knot Foundation also provide trauma counselling to anyone who has experienced childhood trauma on 1300 657 380, or you can also visit their website at: https://www.blueknot.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort from the kind and supportive community here on the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
 

[Croix]

Dear Chartres~

Welcome here to the Forum, a gentle place full of genuine people.

I see you read widely in works that try to find meaning and comfort in great adversity. Incidentally I truly believe Herman Hesse was wrong when saying:-

“When a tree is polled, it will sprout new shoots nearer its roots. A soul that is ruined in the bud will frequently return to the springtime of its beginnings and its promise-filled childhood, as though it could discover new hopes there and retie the broken threads of life. The shoots grow rapidly and eagerly, but it is only a sham life that will never be a genuine tree.”

I think you can indeed have a life with peace and look to new things. In different circumstances I have done so. Maybe taking charge and confronting those that injured you is the way, though I feel you will experience disappointment, you already acknowledge you mother will basically be a hurtful waste of time, and the legal system, as you will know from the stats, is not a justice system.

Still maybe the act of trying is enough in itself, taking command, successful or otherwise, is more than important. You are no longer reacting.

Perhaps I do you an injustice, and you already have gone beyond reaction already.

I'd offer what may seem impractical advice, you need an ally and confident, over and above professional or legal help. I know this may seem unrealistic given your circumstances, and also your basic hesitation to trust, but if found it would give you the strength and perspective you would need to go down that path as it will hurt and be full of setbacks.

Is there anyone in your life you can look to, sibling, other family or friend?

The Lifeline person was stuck on the idea of 'fixing things' by the sound of it, a great mistake as it is not her job to even try. I'm glad your second attempt (actually I'm glad you were brave enough to make a second attempt) bore more fruit from someone more experienced and sensible.

Sophie_M has given you good links to try plus the Sexual Assault Support Service may be a good resource - how did you find them last time?

I'm not sure you are right that the perpetrators live "normal and healthy lives with their wives and families". Any relationship built on lies and secrets, selfishness and cruelty, cannot be truly close.

Please excuse me if I've missed the point or not answered with the comfort you deserve. I do hope you return, at least you will know you are not in total isolation

Croix

[Yaecho]

Hi Chartres, in addition to the organizations already mentioned, have you heard about https://www.samsn.org.au/ ? May be that's another avenue to explore for you.

[Boudica]

Hello dear Chartres, So glad you found your way here.

I am pretty new to BB forum too. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you as a child. You are in a safe and supportive space here and I think you'll find many people here that can relate to the way you feel, and talk things through with you if you feel the need.

I can understand your outrage, your childhood was stolen and your trust was violated by those who should have protected you. I admire your drive in seeking justice, it is likely that will not be an easy road, so please keep your own wellbeing as the top priority.

Like you, I have struggled with intimacy and am a loner with a seemingly impenetrable shell. However, I still hold onto hope that I may one day be able to let someone in 🙂 Always happy to chat with other loners in this strange anonymous world.

[Chocolatemousse]

Hi Chartres.

Mum in a very similar position to you. I totally feel your pain. My life has been quite similar to yours. (Up to the age of 18). But I didn’t face my adopted mother until I was 33 and very pregnant about the sexual abuse I was receiving from my adopted father. I had no siblings to talk to or protect me. She pretended to be unaware at first then conveniently forgot about the whole thing and acted like it never happened. I was adopted at age 11 because of abuse and neglect by my birth mother. Was moved around a lot in those 11 years. I don’t actually have any memories of that part of my life. Bullying was a big part of my teens. I think depression set in then. Fortunately I met my husband at 16. Married at 18. Still married. He is a wonderful man but I don’t think he can ever fully understand what it’s like to be me. I have one younger biological brother in Victoria. I’m in NSW. So we can’t see each other. That saddens me a lot. We were separated by the courts as toddlers. Don’t know why. Sooooo angry about that because we could have supported each other but instead grew up not knowing that each other even existed.

I would love to chat more with you. I’ve been trying desperately to find a support group to join to make a friend but it’s really hard.

Are you interested in chatting more

im also a woman in my 50’s

and feel quite alone