Accepting that I was abused [Trigger warning: sexual assault]

[CloudyKayla]

Hi, im 21 and a few years ago my current boyfriend raped me. A lot. After a lot of arguing over it he finally stopped. He also used to be physically violent. I have only come to accept that i was raped and abused recently. I cant have sex with him without having flashbacks and crying, i have constant anxiety around him. I love him and i feel its too complicated to break up, all of these things stopped because i did break up with him but we got back together.

I recently had social workers come to my work to talk about domestic violence and i broke down crying and had to leave the room, i had forgotten all of the awful things he did but they made me remember and everything just plays on loop everyday in my mind. I look at him and just cant understand how he could do that to me. I have the worst anxiety ive had in years, i dont know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mikayla.g97

We're so glad that you have reached out to us today, we can only imagine how much energy and courage it took to do this. 

Please know that there is no excuse for anyone making you uncomfortable or laying a single hand on you under any circumstance. We are so sorry that you have found yourself in this position and want you to know that there is so much support available to you, including here in our safe and supportive online community. 

We would strongly recommend you contact the service at 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) https://www.1800respect.org.au/ for further assistance. 

Another great service that can help you and your sister is Kids Helpline, they're available here https://kidshelpline.com.au/ or by calling 1800 55 1800. 

Keep reaching out to us here and letting us know that you're okay, we've also asked our Support Service to contact you via your email. They're here to help you through and so are we. 

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you, I’ll give that number a try.

[stormcloudz]

Mikayla

That's truly awful. I hate that you have been hurt that way. I also think you are very tough and brave to have talked to him about it. Your boyfriend has serious problems. Rape is a crime, whether it's in a relationship or not.

Please post whenever you need, I would like to provide any support you need.

S

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you, yeah he went to a few counselling sessions about it because he claimed he couldn’t help it and I thought I’d moved past it but I don’t know if I forgive him. I sometimes can’t even look him in the eyes without feeling hurt and disgusted. Since I’ve remembered everything I just feel so mad and I remember being so confused at the time because I knew that something wasn’t right with what he was doing but I wasn’t quite sure if it was rape.

[geoff]

Hello Mikayla.g97, thankful so much for contacting us and a warm welcome.

I detest anything like this happening and feel so sorry for you.

If he had forced you by physically controlling you against what you wanted then that's rape, it doesn't matter whether you are married or in a relationship, it's not permitted and it's illegal.

If he says 'he couldn't help it', that's certainly a warning sign and overshadows any love, and I say this because you can't look at him and there's a possibility you could get PSTD, although I'm not qualified to say, so you need to get a diagnosis from your GP.

I don't know about the circumstances that keep you together, but I'm sure these can be worked out, and I say this because it's going to take a lot of courage to remain with him.

Please don't feel worried about crying because it shows exactly how you are feeling and it's sad to know that you have been forced by him to go against your will.

I feel so sorry for you.

Geoff.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you Geoff,

i guess I stayed because for a long time I didn’t really accept it had hadn’t and was in denial and now it’s been over a year since anything has happened so I don’t know what to do. He knows I was recently triggered and have been thinking about it.

I don’t want to be with him but I feel it’a easier to stay. We just started a new job together and we’ve made some friends together but they’re mainly friends with him I think but I really like them so I don’t want to ruin friendships or make work difficult because he’s there.

Hes also my first relationship and I’ve broken up with him once before and I don’t know if I have the energy to go through that again just yet.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Mikayla

I understand why you would have feel confused at the time. It is very confusing when someone says they love us and sometimes acts kindly, but at other times hurts us. It's even more confusing if this sort of thing also happened when we were younger, and we never had the chance to work out how we should be treated. You are not alone with this type of confusion at all.

You are right to feel angry. You may be scared of your anger, but don't be. It's a signal from deep within you that you are not being treated right. That's your inborn sense of fairness telling you that everything is not OK. You don't have to squash that down or ignore it.

I wonder if you would like someone to talk to in person about this? When things are confusing, it sometimes helps to talk them over with someone who understands these situations (in addition to us on this forum). A good counsellor would go very gently with you and would not expect you to leave if you aren't ready. BeyondBlue and the RESPECT line can probably make some suggestions, or we can.

Can I ask, what sort of hopes do you have for your future? Are you aiming for a career, a family, travel? Or can you not imagine that at the moment?

You have my very heartfelt support. Please post whenever you like.

[CloudyKayla]

I feel that I’m almost ready to leave I, ive been opening up to a friend and she’s been really supportive and saying my thoughts out loud and reasons for staying with him sound ridiculous out loud and she’s straight to the point so she lets me know that I deserve better, I’m really lucky to have her to talk to.

I dont know what I want to do in the future but I don’t think I can have him in it.

[stormcloudz]

I'm glad you have a good friend you can talk to. She sounds great.

I understand that you don't know what you want to do in the future, you are 21 and that's the time of life when we are still exploring all the possibilities. Keep your eyes on your future and think about what you want things to be like. Is he the right person for you to have by your side as you raise kids, or buy a house, or travel, or progress in your work?

In the meantime, the BeyondBlue helpline is available 24 hours 1300 22 4636 and the RESPECT line is 1800 737 732.

Please stay safe and if you decide to leave, make sure you have a plan to keep yourself safe. Happy to talk about that too if you like.

It's great that you are thinking about how to protect your mental and physical health. It takes courage, you are being very brave and my heart goes out to you. Please post whenever you like.