20 Years of Emotional Abuse

[Ammee]

My husband has been emotionally abusing me since three months into our relationship. He and I were both unaware of this for at least the first 7 years of our relationship. Since my second baby was born almost 13 years ago I have tried to leave many times but have never had the strength. Each time I told him I need to leave he would be able to convince me that he has done nothing wrong, that it is all my fault, that I was imagining things, and that all was ok. Each time he found new ways of doing this, including blaming my kids - saying that it is them making me feel mentally unwell. I had post natal depression with my second baby. He never consoled me or understood how hard it was for me! Late 2020 I considered taking my life for the first time and started self-harming. I have had anxiety all my life but this was the first time that I felt so unstable and confused. My psychologist wanted me in hospital but hubby wouldn't let me go. He would do everything he could to convince me that hospital would be bad for me. It was close to Christmas and I had to cook the family meal for his family. Come Dec 27 I wanted to go to hospital, told him that now Christmas is over I can go. He again convinced me not to. I don't know how, but he was so convincing. That afternoon I knew that if I tell him this again he would try to talk me out of it, so I lied. I told him with every ounce of strength in me I was just going for a walk. I then took myself to hospital. Through text I told him I was there. He sent me a stream of angry texts, and I felt bad, but I was in the hospital, and I couldn't leave, and I was safe.

Each time he has patronised me, beriddled, controlled me and shot me down in conversation he has always managed to find a way to convince me that I am not good enough, that it is my fault, that he did nothing wrong.

Now - 1.25 years after my first stay in hospital I am in hospital again, under the guidance of my psychiatrist after yet another attempt last week. After almost two years of trying, my professionals have finally convinced me to leave, this time I cannot back down, I need to leave this toxic relationship AND I need to protect my children who are also mentally and emotionally damaged by him. I am afraid he will manage to convince me again. I am afraid for the welfare of my children who live with him. I am afraid of what he might do. This is going to make him pretty angry.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Amee,

Thank you for finding the strength and courage to post in our forum. We are a helpful and supportive community.

We are saddened to hear how much distress you have gone through, and very gladdened to hear how you are finding the strength to leave such an unsafe relationship.

In addition to to the mental health support services including:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
1800 Respect - 188 737 732
We would also suggest calling:

Women's Legal Services Australia, https://www.wlsa.org.au

Also consider our forums:

Saying no to unhelpful thoughts - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/saying-no-to-the-unhelpful-thoughts

Be kind to yourself - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/be-kind-to-yourself

How do you make yourself do the things that make you feel better? - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/adherence-compliance----how-do-you-make-yourself-do-the-things-that-make-you-feel-better

And the following sections of our website:

Recovery and support strategies - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide/recovery-and-support-strategies

Stories of recovery and hope - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide/stories-of-recovery-and-hope

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello Ammee, I too, am so sorry that this has happened and Sophie has provided you with many links to look at.

Suffering from PND and your husband not respecting that you need help is absolutely awful, just as his blaming of you in countless ways awful, and join you in wanting to move to provide your kids a much better life, this can happen.

Firstly you mustn't tell him what you are going to do, but the Salvos, Anglicare are 2 places to contact and in Vic you can go to:

https://www.housing.vic.gov.au › crisis-emergency-acc and google this, they provide housing in an emergency as do Anglicare who also provide help and counselling, they were great with me. You will just have to search google for your states site, or check https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/housing

Only tell a friend who your husband doesn't speak to and decide what belongings you want to take, sometimes nd I know you love your kids, but can I suggest you keep it a surprise for them.

Depending on your finances, organise a removalist for a day when your husband is working or not home, but if you could say whether you're renting or buying a house, this help us to suggest what you can do about this.

Once you move out then it's possible that you will feel so much better, although I'm not a doctor, but from what you have told us that's fair to say.

We really want to continue this conversation and hope you can get back to us a.s.a.p.

I'm about to go back to bed for an hour or so and hope to hear a reply from you, as there's much more to suggest.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Mum Chris]

Hi Ammee,

welcome to the forum please use the advice given and reach out for support for housing and all the support services you can.
It’s not easy starting a new life on your own but it does sound like you have to do this for yourself and your children. Domestic violence abuse hotline can get you and the kids emergency housing in a refuge to give you time to rest and recover. From there they can put you in touch with services to get you on your feet.
You only have to make today a good day for you and then that will benefit your children. Just think about today and this minute. This minute I’m single and I’m making my own decisions.
You feel fragile now but it won’t take long and you will be feeling more strength. Once a decision is made it gives you breathing space. There will be ups and downs and I call it 3 steps forward 2steps back. 😂
Good luck with your recovery. I hope you are feeling better soon.
MC