Managing my own PTSD and being a manager

[Bluebird76]

Hi all,

I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD due to significant childhood and adolescent sexual, physical and emotional trauma. I’ve also had significant trauma through my adult years but am extremely successful in my career. Part of my trauma s include a failed suicide attempt.
I am exDefence and now whilst out of Defence manage a team with a significant amount of Defence members. Unfortunately the rate of suicide among Defence is significantly higher than the wider population and this week one of my team and a peer have experienced the loss of one of their colleagues.
I’ve already been struggling lately but this event has hit me hard and I don’t even know the person. Just the need to support my staff has crushed the walls I had up and I have gone from being a competent manager to being useless.
I am so scared of reverting to my old self and falling apart.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bluebird76,

We're really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We're really grateful you did so as it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better.

If you'd like to talk this through with one of our counsellors, they're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach them online.

We also really recommend reaching out to the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380, available every day between 9-5 (AEDT). Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Guest_1643]

Hi bluebird

I'm zo sorry for the loss in Ur life and this trigger which understandably affects u

Some ppl close up on topics of d***h or su***** and my belief is this just makes it harder for some of us to share our grief filly and openly.all Ur feelings are valid. Have u found anyone of Ur peers who u can talk to anout how Ur feeling?

[Bluebird76]

Hi 1643,

I totally agree that not openly talking about these things can make it harder to deal with. Unfortunately I’m probably one of those people so whilst I struggle myself when these events occur even when I don’t know them personally it is likely due to me not having dealt with the triggers in my own life.
I have learnt to be very good at masking until I can’t anymore. Then I pick myself up again for another year or two and the cycle repeats.
i haven’t found anyone to talk to as I don’t feel it’s fair to do that to anyone else. As a manager I need to hold this myself.
Within my home I have to be the strength for my boys. I don’t have family as I have been out of home since 14 and now at 45, you learn that you have to hold it yourself. Unfortunately at the moment I’m breaking.
just part of that cycle I go through every couple of years I guess.

Unfortunately I’m so scared of the impacts of showing behind the mask as the last time I did it had devastating effects. Just how to get through with these constant triggers. That is the issue.

[Bluebird76]

Thanks Sophie. Definitely something I need to check out…ringing may take more courage though.

[Sophie_M]

Hi again, Bluebird76

Yes, learning how to talk about this can be truly confronting, As you noted yourself, once something is a cycle, the cycle repeats until its broken. Trying to find the point where you can slip out of the spin is quite the journey unto itself - but knowing how your boys need you, I know you will find it worth it. 

Talking it through can't be forced though, and I completely acknowledge how hard it is at the moment. Can I encourage you to give our webchat a try? more time to tthink through what you are saying - and perhaps in the scheme of things less confronting?

Regardless, please do keep chatting with your peers here on our forums, but don't hesitate to reach out if you can.

Regards,

Sophie M

[Mum Chris]

Hi Bluebird

Ive recently had a massive incident that took me back to the bone and while I was carrying on to a small degree eventually I had to just tell everyone I’m not ok. I did end up doing something stupid and ended up in hospital. I told everyone I was not ok and when well meaning friends and family asked are you feeling better. I said I’m not ok I’m not coping and eventually I was able to find a treatment option. It was important for me to be honest because I was an im good person. I hide my pain and hide myself. I’m also in a demanding career and I had to tell everyone I need some space. I’m very solutions oriented person and I like action. I did some research on new treatments for CPTSD and I have started treatment.

Some things need a professional and I’m seeing a psychologist with the right skill sets. I have good days when I forget the pain and I have bad days but it was just bad days till I asked for help.

MC