I want to share how 2025 has been a mostly kind and good year for me.
For context, in 2020 a death in my family triggered BD and I endured multiple relapses, being sent to psych wards a few times. After BD I got an ASD diagnosis - 'late diagnosed' female, woohoo...thanks.
Therefore, when I made my first post here I was in the absolute slumps. These bizarre experiences of a disorder that made me see hallucinations and have delusions not only had shattered my world, but after my illness, I seemed to have lost a bulk of my cognitive capabilities to make 'art' at a high quality level like I used to.
My psychiatrist still doesn't know what caused it; it could be depression? Or the meds? We tried everything. I has been a loss for me. I grieved a past me. My self esteem was in the gutter for years. I couldn't face old friends. My legs shook with dread when I tried to draw in the evening like I used to love to do.
With years, the C-PTSD has faded. I made new friends, and a lot of them always end up saying they love my art - the art I can do now. I am also proudly graduating uni in March of next year a mature aged student. Also, most importantly as of this year, I am a new solo mum to a baby girl, and she is my world~ All these happy accomplishments have reconnected me with my self esteem I though I had completely lost after my psychotic break.
But today was not one such OK day. I felt lonely and anxious about being a solo mum - especially whether I'll ever be a GOOD mum. I chatted with a Beyond Blue agent, but I just wound myself up As when I'm upset, I write more meladramatic and horrible things.
TDLR; but I had a tough day. But I know that my bad days are fewer and far-er between this year.
I don't know how and when life precisely got better for me, other than I just kept desiring to be free from the 'leg shaking out of dread' that used to hit me at 8:30pm on the dot every night, and weirdly, that shaking leg thing seemed to vanish for the most part this year!
I also have kept a gratitude journal and a pen next to my bed and written in it most nights since 2021.
Every night, I just write 1 line starting with 'I am grateful for'. At first I was fighting the idea (since a family member gifted me a journal and told me to start doing it lol). But somehow, this has become a cherished ritual.
No, journaling hasn't fixed me, but when I flip through the book, I may not always see an awesome perfect day, but I see that I am someone who always keeps trying. Thanks for reading.
