Recovering and Coping with Depression/Self Doubt/Break up

[am1295]

Hey everybody
im a 22 year old male who migrated from the middle east when I was3 months old with my parents. Im currently studying engineering (in my final year!) and work part time. Id consider myself quite self critical, calm in nature and I have good social skills. Just as a brief summary, the family dynamic in my household is incredibly toxic (parents constantly insult each other, anger directed towards me). Id say Ive grown apart from my father significantly and could be closer to my mother.
Anyways I made 2017 a year to concentrate and change my results. University was an incredibly tough experience for me and taught me a lot in terms of my resilience. The stress of uni work, my parents constantly fighting, family financial stress, self doubt, self pity (was bullied in highschool) culminated into my depression I guess. My now ex gf is the reason I'm here and Im pretty sure I wouldnt be typing this message if it wasnt for her.
We broke up late April I believe. We were doing a long distance relationship and towards the end it was getting too hard. I didnt finish my degree on time, she did and started to work. I dont have enough characters to explain but It came down to me or her family . The hardest part was the fact that we still loved each other and pretended it was all good before she flew up. I dont think Ive moved on, and of only recently convinced myself that she doesnt want me anymore.

Through the guidance of a friend and my own determination, Ive recently gotten serious about strength training and have lost 12kgs, passed all my core units at uni and started accumulating money via investments and work, yet i feel broken and am incredibly nihilistic. My motivation stems from "im going to die, may as well be the best while im alive" which i find incredibly toxic and concerning. Me moving up to live with my ex was my plan and my ticket out, and though she has to choose for her own health and priorities, I feel like I gave the relationship everything in my handicapped state yet it was not enough.

I now feel a resentment and hate towards her because I was there for her when her family wasnt and she still chose them over me. She left me despite knowing I wanted to get out of my family situation. Holiday times are more toxic as I am with my family more often tha not, and I feel it will undo the mental and emotional repair I have done for myself. How do I go about dealing with this anger and staying focused on my goals and recovery?

[white knight]

Hi am, welcome

Sorry to hear this situation

There is a saying "blood is thicker than water". If you havent heard it, it means often blood relatives win out in decicions. This is regardless of your support. A married situation could be diffetent but not every time.

Is there any possibility of moving out of home? Sharing accommodation with other students?.

Can you consider meeting another potential partner? Dating helps overcome.

Attending motivation speeches is a great idea. Read up on positive thinking. Google

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

[bindi-QLD]

I'm sorry for your loss am1295, its terrible to lose someone you love, and to lose your dreams surrounding being with that person. It sounds like the hope you had for your future kept you going through a lot of stress with life and family.

What you are experiencing right now is grief, its hard to get through it, but you will. Its a perfectly normal process, just be gentle with yourself. The stages of grief are said to be `denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance'. You've protected your feelings with a kind of denial and perhaps `bargaining' (holding onto hope), now you are feeling angry and depressed. `Acceptance' is a feeling somewhere in between- a balance- you get there when enough time has passed and when you realize the person who let you down had some nice qualities, but wasn't the person for you. Its kind of a balanced perspective; a letting go without extreme regret or extreme anger.

I agree with whitenight about looking for a less volatile environment to live in. Living at home can make dating difficult too, not just the stress of it, but you'll find a lot of Australian women would prefer to see more independence in man they wanted to date seriously. Its kind of how the culture is here. If you prefer only Muslim women, that would be less of a problem though. I know Australia is very expensive at the moment, and its hard to find the right place to live. I had a lot of good experiences living in share houses at your age.

[am1295]

Thanks for you reply guys.

I'll never know the true reasons for why we broke up; she did state that she was struggling to find her independence and didnt know who she was without me. Only problem I have with this is that I wasnt really there. I believe her lack of independence was because any problem she faced, she would often panic and call her family for advice. I gave her what I thought was sound advice and her grandfather (who she holds highly) echoed my statement. But regardless, I respect her wishes and have stated to the same to my friends and family that I hold no grievance towards and wish her nothing but the best. The quote "block is thicker than water" orginally stems "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", which implies the opposite of that meaning. Ironic considering that we both found comfort each other when we couldnt deal with family issues but she chose her family in the end. I compromised and said I would move up (10 hours from everything I knew) if we could start our own lives an a hour away from her family. It was hard as well because of their view on middle eastern people and the experiences they have had, it was quite tough for her family to accept me up until they actually met me and even then; her extended family often made kind spirited but offensive jokes

I understand that culture here Bindi, I think I may have caused confusion in my opening line (im 22 and have grown up my whole life in this country, arriving into the country when I was 3 months old). I do agree that my own indepence, or lack of, was a problem. Part of the reason I wont actively look to date someone, despite having the opportunity, is that Im ashamed I dont have a car or that I am not up to the standard I believe I should be at. Early on, at the beginning of the break up, was the idea that I was never going to find someone who completed me as well as she did. Now its hoping to see a social media post of her moving on, so it can finally confirm to me that she doesnt want me anymore; maybe that will be catalyst to help me move on.

[am1295]

I guess the anger I have stems from myself. Its a lot better now as I generally calm myself down and stop most negative thoughts, but whenever I make a mistake; I punish myself and make the mistake seem larger then it is.This forms a vicious cycle of being anxious that Im not performing well enough in a certain area yet not being bothered to do anything to fix the issues.

How do you guys, if you have similar problems, approach such an issue? the issue being that I care about things but am often not bothered to do it.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi am1295, Thank you for your replies, its nice talking to thoughtful young man like yourself. I'm sorry that you've been under so much stress these past months, and grieving as well.

I guess I feel overall the same as white knight, that a lot of good things will happen for you if you strive for more Independence like moving out of home There is absolutely no shame in living at home or not driving a car. I've dated grown men in their late 30's living at home because of misfortune or their parents needed care. And plenty of people living in cities do not keep cars. But living at home just creates difficulties, especially if your parents are stressful people who fight a lot. Their bad relationship may intimidate some girls; they may wonder if they want to be bothered with dealing with a new boyfriend as well as his parents so close, who may not even like her. Others may wonder how its affecting you being around stress all the time. And others just may want more privacy while they get to know you. I'm sure you understand. Don't be ashamed, but have a think about whether you can move out somehow.

When you asked about being overly critical towards yourself, I have a feeling that could be because of your parents too. Not because they intended for you to feel that way, but children growing up with volatile parents often tend to blame themselves, even without knowing it. It can make you kind of a perfectionist, hard on yourself about everything, and quick to feel shame when they is no cause. So in that regard, It would be good to see how you feel about things with a bit of a break from living with them. Being around relaxed, caring, good people can really help and open you eyes to how hard you are on yourself, compared to them.

When I was 22, I lived in very good share houses. But I admit the very best living situation for me eventually was living alone in a cheap granny flat, I found in the local paper. When I lived there I dated a lot, but was choosy and not desperate. I met my love of my life when I lived there, my partner I've been with for 15 years.

Anyway I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts. I know its expensive in Australia, but I hope you will consider the benefits of having more privacy and a break from the hardship and stress at home.

[Donte]

Hello am1295 and welcome to this forum!

I have a 22 yo daughter so reading your story I can tell you I relate to many of your struggles and hardships but also admire your achievements! (I am also 49 and single so don't despair!). When we are young there seems to be a sense of urgency, that we have to study, find work, establish career, find partner, settle down etc, however, the reality is we have a whole life ahead of us and often is not until our mid 30's that we fully understand who we are and what we want out of life as our brain keeps developing until then. I'd like to congratulate you for reaching out to this multicultural experiences forum and exploring ideas with others so you can support yourself in the area of mental health. Also, good on you for sticking with your studies and for looking after your health and body. I have a similar outlook in life, 'One day I'll die and I only have this life to live so might as well don't waste it and make the best out of what I have in my hands'. I think this is a great way of looking at it as it leaves the responsibility on you to make your own choices and deal with the consequences like all adults do. Not sure what your culture is, but I grew up in a household where unless I got married I wasn't even aloud to entertain the idea of moving out. If you are in a similar predicament that surely complicates things, especially if you feel you have to endure an abusive environment. My daughter is 22 and lives with me as I raised her as a single dad but now that she works pays half of the rent and bills and buys her own food. This was something unfathomable at the time I was her age but times change and we don't need to repeat what our parents did, or what our culture or religion dictates. The beauty of living in Australia is that we are free and supported to break free from oppressive cultural beliefs, and it's easier to find supports in the process if this is what we desire. Ultimately, you will do what's right for you and that's all that matters. The break-up situation is hard and I hope you are getting some support from a relationships Counselor on that, as well as support with managing your depression in the midst of those challenges. One thing I've learnt through all my relationships is that the one with ourselves is the most important and the longer lasting. Finding ourselves take time and every trauma along the way can turn into a lesson and an opportunity for growth. That's my wish for you in 2018 and beyond.