A mum and wife with no emotions.

[ferrerorocher]

I am a 29 year old mum of 2 boys (aged 4 and 2) and am pregnant with a #3. I have a wonderful husband and his family is loving and supportive. My parents live overseas and things with them have always been up and down, especially with my mum, but I will explain more later.

I grew up in a strict Malaysian home - my mum was very controlling and overbearing and probably depressed herself. My dad was always working and worked overseas for a few years where I'd only probably see him once a year, so it was just mum and me in our strained,sometimes toxic relationship.

I was a volatile teenager and spiralled from self harm to eating disorders, and also found myself falling into a cycle of bad relationships + sexual abuse. I was never diagnosed with depression back then (because it was taboo and my parents would not even speak of it) but there were certain points where I was suicidal.

Moving to Australia provided a fresh start but I found I could not break the cycle of bad relationships and alcohol abuse. It was only when I met my husband that I realised if I wanted to get my life back on track, I had to change. I cleaned up my act and we got engaged/married/had kids etc. But something I never 'healed' from my condition but rather 'shut down' a part of myself so I could function. Basically, I think that I've removed emotions from my life as it was the emotions that made me impulsive and depressive.

So now, while I get by, I'm an emotional void and I feel a general disconnect, even from my husband and kids. I barely look anyone in the eye now let alone make emotional connections. My husband is understanding and we co-exist well, but my love is not there. I don't feel love for my kids either, like I do have a strong sense of responsibility over them and I do my best to do things to show that I care, but I can't connect to them on a deeper level.

I particularly feel estranged from my elder son, like he can sense my disconnect and is in turn, disconnecting from me. Though he likes to ask me to play with him and I do sit and try but I feel like I am continuously failing his emotional needs. I get angry with him a lot as well, over stupid things, and I try not to express it too much but sometimes it gets the better of me - I've punched a couple of holes in our walls. My younger son is a very touchy feely kissy toddler who is probably the only person at the moment I am connected to, though it may be because of the breastfeeding bond (he only feeds once at bedtime).

[Peppermintbach]

Hi ferrerorocher,

A kind welcome to the forums 🙂

Your post struck a chord with me, I wanted to respond because you remind me a little of some of my aunties when they were younger.

Your post was heart wrenching and I feel sad for you even though you’re feeling detached and disconnected. I think sometimes we repress emotions in order to cope because the full enormity of our experiences might be too much. I feel it’s your body and mind going into self preservation mode...

You sound like you’re barely getting by. Just going through the motions with no real feelings of love or light. That must be difficult...you seem so tired.

I feel in many Asian cultures, mental illness is very taboo. I also have some Asian heritage in me so I can empathise with how taboo it is...sorry, I won’t disclose the exact details because I’m oddly paranoid about my extended family finding my posts...my mentality is the less they know, the better, which sums up my relationship with them.

To your credit, you’re reaching out here for support. That’s a wonderful first step 🙂 I feel, deep down, you know something is not “right”; feeling as emotionally detached as you are suggests something is off.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I take it you haven’t spoken to a health professional before. Maybe you might like to consider making an appointment with your GP to discuss a mental health plan, which entitles you to a certain number of Medicare debatable psychologist sessions. If you like, you can use the “Find a professional” link on this website.

Alternatively, if you’re not yet comfortable with a face-to-face encounter, which is understandable, maybe you could call a helpline for support. There are some numbers listed on this website under “National helplines and websites.”

Once again, I admire your brave decision to reach out here. If you’re feeling up to it, but no pressure, it would be lovely to hear from you again 🙂

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Donte]

Hello ferrerorocher,

Welcome to the forum where we share our Multicultural experiences and impacts on mental health.

I read your story with great interest as it resembles so much my own! It looks so similar that I could have actually written it myself!

You are not alone! Thank you so much for opening up. I believe numerous people from various culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds can relate.

Wondering if you have supports in place to help you with what you’re going through at the moment. Having kids so early in your life and expecting another one surely it takes a toll on a woman’s emotions.

I remember when my daughter was born I fell into the deepest depression ever. So many painful experiences from my own upbringing came up onto the surface again. Abuse, neglect, abandonment etc. It was a terrible time of distress as much as joyous as it was also.

Its great that you’ve shared your story here. There’s also chats where privately you can discuss whatever you feel like with counselors in a safe and confidential space.

Have you talked to anyone about your feelings? Does your doctor or the maternal health nurse know how you feel? If not, it may be good to have a discussion with them. X

[Peppermintbach]

Sorry, I meant Medicare rebatable (not “Medicare debatable”) earlier.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Donte]

My Counsellor asked me the other day what makes me happy. ‘Well, how long have you got...’, I replied:

‘The sound of cicadas in the mid afternoon heart of summer, a glass of cool water when I’m thirsty, the engine of a fishing boat as it cuts the waters, freshly baked warm crusty bread, cold watermelon with feta, the hypnotic sound of rain while lying in bed, the smell of food, sunsets, teardrops, the color blue, the color green, snow, red wine, the moment of orgasm, feeding my fish, green-stuffed capsicums, the smell of gardenias, tunes, the sound of waves, petting an animal, holding my child’s hand, the silage of perfume in a corridor, a hug, smelling a flower, going walks with my dogs, watering the plants, turning an unread new page of a book and anticipating what’s next, the thick shade of a tree in midsummer, getting lost in a movie I know nothing about, smelling the pages of a brand-new book, feeling the sand under my feet on the seashore, listening to birds tweeting, smell of soap, the sound of a dog barking in the distance at night, a motorbike exhilarating, changing gears while I drive with the windows down, the moonshine on the darkest night, lazy mornings in bed, wind blowing through my hair, naps, baking stuff, the paint on a white canvas, when my pet looks me in the eyes, the stage between awake and falling into sleep, a good mattress, solitude, stretches, listening to waves, feeling the wet grass under my feet, seeing dead loved ones in my sleep, epiphanies, etc. I could go on forever...’

“Wow! You truly are a happy man!”, they said.

‘More than I can explain’, I replied.

[ferrerorocher]

Hi Pepper

Thank you for your response and sorry it took me a while to reply. Since my last post, I've had a beautiful baby girl. Things are going well and my family is just perfect. Yet I sit here at 1am, mulling over the fact that I am still not relational enough with my family. I tell myself every day that I want to do better at being relational, and to try and connect more but I find I am just doing functional things like cooking for them, buying them things etc. but I just cannot have a deeper conversation. I need to remind myself constantly to actually touch and hug my kids and husband or I just don't. The only emotions I really feel are contentment, disconnect and anger, which I probably feel too often.

I don't know if what I have is more depression or anxiety. I've thought about one element of it, which is that I have some health anxiety (not towards myself but towards my husband and kids). My husband had glandular fever and was in hospital for a few days - and I sorta just lost my mind. I'm talking like walking in the rain on a winter's day with no jacket on. I'm talking like feeling the urge to self-harm because I was feeling guilty for being healthy. Even right now, I'm up because I think my husband has a tummy bug so I just feel I cannot go to bed because I feel guilty to sleep. I sometimes obsess about my eldest son's health as well (he just has sensory issues and chronic constipation but we are managing it, yet I still obsess about it every once in a while).

I digress - but I think perhaps that anxiety might be significant in straining my relationships too. I don't know. I actually have spoken to my GP (but I sugarcoated it bahhh why do I do that?) and saw a counsellor (which was good but I think I still sugarcoated things cos I just can't seem to do it in person with people and I struggle to talk about it on the phone too). I stopped going to counselling because I felt I just couldn't get anywhere myself like I couldn't talk about the real issues further. Maybe I just have to try harder for my family and for my kids.

[james1]

Hello ferrerorocher

Congratulations on your new baby girl! I'm glad to hear things are going well at home, though it's also sad to hear you don't feel like you can truly connect with them. In some way, it almost sounds like a lot of the feelings you get around your family you also feel around your GP and counsellor.

I also feel quite emotionally disconnected with people around me, but particularly so around people I care about. It's very frustrating because I want to be able to connect more with them, but I somehow stop myself both consciously and subconsciously.

I still see my psychologist twice a week and even though I don't feel like I can get very far, it is still helpful for me because I know she's there. So sometimes we just sit in silence and don't talk, but sometimes I do actually make some progress. It's expensive, but for me, I think a little bit is better than nothing if that makes sense.

Anyway, I hope you can also find a way through it. I'm very slowly making my own way through it, so I understand it is very hard.

James

[Croix]

Dear Ferrerorocher~

I hope you don't mind me popping in and talking to you. The reason I wanted to is your mention of 'sugar coating' things with your doctor and councilor. This struck a chord with me.

I guess the good things are you realize there are 'real issues' to talk about and face to face (or voice to voice) way of describing things is not for you.

I can't say I'm surprised you did not get much benefit from the counseling, and I'm sure you would realize that if you minimize what is wrong then you are not going to get the correct treatment.

Looking at your first post, it is clear and concise. It gives an excellent idea of your past life and current difficulties. Growing up as you did under the influence of a dominating mother in a culture that tends not to find depression or similar acceptable will naturally have left a deep mark on you. A very hard way to grow up.

Given that your writing skills are so good may I suggest you have another try at getting your GP and councilor to understand the true situation? I found that writing everything down (in point form for me) over a few days and then simply sharing the paper in a long consultation worked.

Firstly I had all the time I needed to work on the paper til it was right. Then in the consultation I simply had to answer questions about what I wrote rather than try to explain from scratch.. Nothing missing or minimized - plus I had no chance to chicken out on the frightening or embarrassing bits. My GPs and Psychs have liked the method too.

So what do you think?

Croix

[Peppermintbach]

Hi ferrerorocher (and a wave to all),

It’s lovely to hear from you again. There’s no apology needed. Don’t even worry about it. Congratulations on your new baby girl 🙂

I think relatability and deeper emotional connections can be tricky, especially if a person comes from a culture that emphasises perhaps other values more like duty, responsibility, etc. I’m not saying all Asian cultures are the same (I’m not saying that at all), but I am expressing that I feel there’s sometimes a common element that emphasises our “practical” and “dutiful” selves over our “emotional” and our “sensitive” selves.

Granted, emotional connections and duty aren’t mutually exclusive of course...but I suppose what I’m trying to express is I wonder if cultural norms and cultural “conditioning” (so to speak) plays a role in your struggles to form those deeper connections you crave. I feel it does in my case, for example, and I suspect for most of my extended family too...

Sorry, I’m not sure if my post was particularly relevant or helpful, but I wanted to offer my thoughts anyway. Perhaps Croix’s suggestion to put things in written form might aid communication in the GP or your psych’s office.

Kind thoughts to you today,

Pepper