This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hi Len, how are you mate? How did the DBT assessment go?

I've had a bad few days, a lot of stress at work triggering anger and frustration and distress. I know when it's coming and I feel it building but I haven't worked out how to manage it, nor how to manage my mouth. I've said some things I shouldn't have (I was right, but it's not good form in the public service to be direct and honest). I don't cope well with power games or sucking up or control plays that muck other people around, and unfortunately when I see it happening, I call it. Wish I could just shut up. I so wish I could retire but I'm at least five years away from that.

Part of me wants to be unmedicated and let my mind be whatever it is, but the other part knows that would be a career ending move. Maybe I should be more medicated till I don't feel anything.

Whatever, I think I need to speak with my doc about something to control the frustration. Any suggestions? Has anyone tried PRNs or benzo (I know that's more for anxiety).

Hope you have a good weekend Len.

Cheers all

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kaz. Sorry to read that its been a tough week for you with work frustrations. Oh well you now have a weekend off. Have you been watching much of the Olympics? What are your favourite sports? How are your 2 dogs?

Havent seen you around much, and the fact that you've had a bad week probably explains why. You missed a good party at the Cafe last night! Perhaps you'll find the chance to call in over the weekend, its a Rio Olympic Celebration party and games on all weekend. (-:

Hoping things improve again for you soon. When was the last time you visited your Doc? Maybe its time for a bit of a review, and you can discuss how everything is going now that some of the other medications would be settling.

Thinking of you Kaz my friend. Big hug to you.

Sherie xx

[Kazzl]

Aaahh my lovely friend Sherie. Seeing you has made me smile. Thank you so much hun. A big hug back to you. xx

I haven't seen much of the Olympics - I've been doing long hours at work and coming home and sleeping. I'm so fortunate that I can sleep easily. It's my favourite pasttime at the moment. But I have to say my favourite team at the moment is the Fijian rugby sevens! Even The Pom was happy for them haha.

Sorry I missed the party - I'll try to pop in to the cafe over the weekend. There's so much activity there I can't keep up, but I read when I can.

I see my doc every month because I have to have the lithium levels monitored. I'll talk with her about other medications when I go next, which is soon. I'm also due to start with a psych soon once I get through the busiest time at work and can get time to go.

I hope all is well with you hun, I'm sorry I've not been able to keep track. Must be getting nice in your part of the world? Still cold here but the wattle's out and a trees are going to blossom soon. Promise of spring!

Hey! What about our Raiders eh! Aren't they doing well!

Love ya hun

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Glad I gave you a smile. (-:

I totally understand about keeping up with some of the threads, if you arent able to check every day, you just get lost. So dont let it worry you.

Oh ... I was so happy about the Fiji Rugby 7's team! And werent they just so humble and beautiful when accepting their gold medals from Princess Anne? Beautiful ... beautiful.

True too about the mighty Canberra Raiders. They are still my team, and they have been really good this year. Do you think they can beat Melbourne Storm this weekend? Oh .. I would love to see them go all the way.

Hope you have a restful and stress free weekend.

Love to you.

Sherie xx

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

hope you having a better day.The assessment went well. apparently I did the assessment at the start of the year, attended 1 session and then withdrew from the program. My memory of this is very vague at best.was at my darkest back them, lithium toxic and before I began my Ect treatment which has erased much.i found it pretty taxing afterwards. Bit like a delayed reaction. Requiring a few nights of 12-14 sleep beforehand and the same for a few nights since. Not helped by getting bombardment from vicsuper/amp in doing paperwork , answering questions about my depression for claim.I burnt out back in 2011, ceased full time employment, tried another career and then returned to previous field,as a casual in a lesser role and struggled to do a shift per week. Anyway the chap on the other end of the phone was understanding but had no idea.i had it all documented but he wanted to hear it from the horses mouth.So today I awoke up at 10:00, fed the dog, planned to go in the garden,shelved those plans, still in my pyjamas on the couch here on forum and olympics in the background.Kazz I dont miss the Public Sevice one bit,hope all goes well at the quacks . roll on Spring, it's a lovelly time of year. I'm a passionate gardener, spending a few hours daily when I can tidying the yard up after a year of neglect.Have a great weekend,

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hi Len, good to hear from you. I didn't realise you were a public servant. Well, you understand then - it does things to people.

Hey, nothing wrong with a pyjama day when the Olympics are on! That's what we're supposed to do isn't it? UnAustralian not too 😄.

Think it's going to be nice weather tomorrow - maybe a little time outside? Won't be long and we'll be able to lose ourselves in the spring planting Len. Can't wait.

Cheers

Kaz

[Loula]

Hi Guys,

I have bipolar and going through pure hell at moment. The Deppresion OMG it sucks! The not being able to do daily tasks sucks! Having to actually think now how will this task effect me sucks! It just sucks!!!

I decided to go back on lithium as I've been doing it in my own strength for 9 months but I'm now in a situation in a new job where I can get where I want to be professionaly and I thought I'm not stuffing this up. I'm going to be a winner!

BIG mistake!!! Im home from work sick! I have all the symptoms to early stage lithium posioning!!!

I worked on it all week with people coming up to me going you don't look well, your pale, your making silly mistakes. Then the security guard came up to me and said I've been watching you and your zoning in and out. Your eyes are going from focused to space non stop. Did you go out drinking or something. I go to reply to him and get half a sentence out and then start slurring my words and went to space and started blacking out. He was really concerned and then it hit me I didn't have these symptoms last time. I went to the bathroom and googled it and yep go to hospital.

So I called my doctor and saw him. He's like you look bad stay off them we are doing tests and you ain't working. Well actually more doctors came in to check up on me. I haven't got my results back but I believe I was in the early stages. So that makes my work think less of me. I looked like I was drunk all week.

Im now really scared to try a new med but im scared not to be on meds.

Have any of you had better luck with other meds. I'm just slightly panic attacking knowing regardless witch way I go I'm going to be out of it at work 😞

[Kazzl]

Hi Loula - oh hun, what a horrible experience! Did you go straight onto a high dose of lithium? I started very low and have been gradually building up. I've had some side effects but nothing as bad as you've described. I had brain fog for a while and nausea, and still have a bit of cognitive deficit (mainly poor memory and sometimes loss of words). Were you on lithium before?

Sounds like a different drug might be best for you - don't give up on medication altogether. Unfortunately it takes time to get the meds right but there are others you and your doctor can try. Your GP might decide to refer you to a psychiatrist and that could be a good idea if you're having trouble with the meds. They are far more expert with medications than GPs (well that's what my GP told me anyways).

Perhaps you can tell your workplace that you are having to take medication (no need to say what for) and that it's affecting you. People take meds for all sorts of things, they don't need to know.

If you haven't already, maybe do some googling on different drugs for bipolar - there's a lot of information out there.

Big hug to you hun

Kaz

[Loula]

Hey,

Yes I have been on it before and the only reaction I got was dry mouth, food tasting strange, the taste of salt in my mouth and only having 5 seconds to get to the bathroom.

But this time, I can't even lay straight as my belly is so upset, and just seriously in space but getting worse each day. And boohya last night I noticed I got a uti. So I'm slightly scared if it has attacked my kidney. Not fun passing blood.

I went straight on 750mg. That's what I did last time.

Ive told work earlier that I'm on a new medication and one of the side effects is needing to go the bathroom a bit more until I get ammuned to it. So if I'm off the floor a bit it's for a reason and they where great with that. Then when I felt at my worst I went and saw the big boss who was like you don't look good and have been acting weird and I told her I'm on a new medication and I've just called my doctor and they say I need to come in ASAP. I told her it looks like it's posioning me and I need to seek hell asap. She then was like how you getting home and I'm like public transport and she's like hell no you in your state can't get a train call your husband. Then when I called my boss to say I'm not allowed to work she's like that's ok you don't need to tell me what meds you are on just keep me updated if you need more time off. So I thought that was good they where not pushy.

My GP sends me to my Phyc when he started to figure out I don't just have Deppresion. I just hate seeing him. I feel like a billion times worse. Hopefully my gp can figure something out good. Due to where my Deppresion is and not being medicated he's making me do a few more visits then normal.

[Airies]

Hi Loula,

there are other Meds out there that your medical experts can prescribe if medication doesn't work.i ended up n hospital due to toxicity and now on other meds.i think it was due to a combination of things Namelly rapid increase n dosage, lack of fluid intake on my part and not enough monitoring by my psych.all the best with your doctors visit.