This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[geoff]

dear Kaz, I'm so sorry that now you are struggling with this terrible illness once again, it's prolific and you never know when you are going to hit a low,and when it happens it's too late to even try and stop it, which I don't know whether this could even happen, so it's another wave no different than when you were trying to give up the grog, but ones an addiction and the other is an illness, two which are completely different, but not when it distrupts your life.
You know what bipolar does to you so try and keep an even keel when you are having a downer.
My thoughts are with you. L Geoff. x

[Kazzl]

Thank you Geoff, you're wonderful.

xx

[Guest_1055]

Dearest Kaz

I am not sure what to say, but I am just leaving a hug here for you.💟

Love

Shell xx

[Airies]

Hi Kaz,

hope things are on the improve... Hugs from me to you. Re DBT my psych who was treating me last year recommended DBT. I was very unwell at the time and my wife seems to think I had the initial assessment and possibly started the course but I have no recollection and a bit confused in that regard. The psych I'm seeing now recommended it and referred me to a private clinic. I received a phone call yesterday and have an 2 hour assessment next week, do an orientation in early September and commence the folowing week in a group session and also have 1 on 1 for a while as well. It seems pretty full on but I will be wiser come next week with a bit of info.... Lost my self in the garden today for a number of hours which was a

great escape. My wife wasn't feeling well the other day and I felt completely useless in my inability to help her. With that I felt myself going downhill and thought S**t , here we go again. Being feeling ok and then wham I felt like crap.Being bipolar is a battle.Have to keep fighting it every day and never give in.

Kaz you are an inspiration,

thinking of you Len

[Airies]

Tony and Kaz

can relate in our desire/ need to reduce our world. For every action there's a reaction .Today we dropped off our son for an overseas trip. Having to wake up early and drive in the dark resulted in me pulling over and him driving. I could feel my anxiety, feeling different and mood change in the ensuing hours. I've spent the next 8 hours in bed asleep. It's a bummer not being able to cope with everyday situations. I've made progress, great inroads given I was bed bound not so long and unable to do the most basic things. Today made me realise that I can only do so much, very little at times, given the stress and crappy existence once I overstep the mark even a little bit.At times I am so zoned out, immersed in my thoughts and oblivious to what's going on, conversations around me as a coping mechanism.if it wasn't for my wife leading the way today I wouldn't have made it to the airport, found departure lounge , remembered where the car was and made the return journey home.Its small steps but it's only been through reducing my world and tentative steps to return, often throut with anxiety, constant thoughts/battles with oneself that I'm able to get through each so called challenge. What is so easy for some is so hard for others.

Cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hi Len - aaahhh, sorry you had such a bad experience driving to the airport mate. That must have been upsetting. And I sure understand the need to sleep afterwards. That's my best treatment after an upsetting and exhausting experience.

Here's to a better day tomorrow - I hope you can spend it in your garden or somewhere else where you're peaceful and comfortable.

Sometimes small steps are all we can take Len - but we take them and we keep taking them and that's the main thing.

Very best to you - talk soon eh?

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

Just had 14 hours sleep. Must have needed it. Just back from seeing my mental health nurse.shes off on an overseas holiday so gave her a hug and wished her the best and to pass on thanks to her and rest of the team...

thanks is hardly enough but as they said it's a rarity to hear it. This time last year I was at my worst , in a psych hospital and at my wits end. I've come a long way. Will ever be out of the woods ....noo I don't think so...Buts its empowering with knowledge, time, acceptance that I'm in a better place..hope you too are n a better place... Have my DBT assessment in a few days so another box ticked..

[white knight]

Hi Len,

So know that feeling if a full bucket that runneth over so much easier than those with half empty one.

The metaphor below puts it in perspective I think. Google

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Being semi mentally crippled is a big let down seeing as most of us in a younger life were do much more capable. We have to accept s mind that is restrictive and had an occasional mirage....ever felt really good as you did when younger as if you can conquer the world only for depression to near disable you the next day?

Sadly those around ud cannot fathom the seriousness of the loss if ability.

Not being capable if juggling more than one thing at a time has resulted in my raising my voice "you know I can't take on two tasks at once, how many times do I have to tell you"?

Of course its unfair to expect change from others. So answer us to use a notepad to write it down...after all I have to own my own issues.

I hope you improve Len

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len and Tony

Len I think you have raised a really important point - sometimes when we're not feeling good it's hard to remember that we're in a better place than we used to be. Looking back to worse times can be reassuring.

Thanks mate, yes I am in a better place too. I'm super busy at work at the moment and a bit stressed but I'm coping and while I am very tired, I'm OK, and really pleased about that.

I'm really interested to know more about the DBT - hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Tony - my notebook and I are inseparable (I just have to remember to write things in it LOL). I am very fortunate to have a young offsider at work (who knows about my condition) who gently reminds me of things. She's a treasure who, without any judgement, totally accepts that my memory is rubbish and I need some help. I think young people are more accepting of mental health issues than our generation, bless 'em.

Have a good day guys.

Kaz

[Airies]

Good on you Kaz,

sounds like you are kicking a few goals.Well done. I resigned from my work last year tho the wheels fell off a few years before that.I won't be returning to the workforce again.

Must be cold in Canberra at the moment. It's wet and windy here n coastal Victoria. Is it just me ... This has been the worst Winter in a long time. This time last year I was too ill to notice and Psch hospital was very well heated.

Have my assessment tomorrow for Dbt so will be wiser...2 hours all up so I think I will be a bit mentally shagged at the end.

Last 3 days a bit of a dip n mood resulting in the need to go to bed at 7 each night and sleeping 12-14 hours and diminishing desire to do things.Gritting my teeth and feeling tense.. This rollercoaster is a pain in the ass.Anyway

it could be far worse have a good one Kaz and it's great you have a supportive workmate who is so understanding. A rarity in this day and age but so nice tosee

cheers Len