This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

Do you have moments from your childhood that could point out your mental health disease? I do. I hated my Step Brother and Step Sister coming to stay at our house. They would come every school holidays. It really upset me. It upset my routines. It also took my Mum’s focus away from two kids to four.

I would have mood swings in Primary School. I had friends and I was popular but I would go and read in the library if I didn’t feel like playing.

Tell me what it was like for you as a child.

[quirkywords]

Asdff good topic starter.

i always felt different.

when I was 7 I screamed at my mum when she had a wig on saying where was my mum and then ran away down the street.

I would worry about things girls my age didn’t.
at 14 I went to pieces during yearly exams .

[asdff]

Quirky, University Entrance Exams I went to pieces. In my year it was called TEE Tertiary Entrance Exams. I probably had a nervous breakdown. At 17.

[asdff]

I used to cry when my Mum left me with the neighbour, so she could walk the dog. I would have been four. I cried the whole time. Every time. It was distressing for me, for Mum to leave me. She did leave me during my first year, she had to finish her degree to provide for my brother and I. She left me with my Nanna. It was very hard on her. It obviously affected me too.

I also remember being cranky about a beach towel I was given at Christmas. I thought it was too babyish but I couldn’t say that. I was 13. I just got angry.

[quirkywords]

hello everyone

asdff

it is interesting what we remember and what we don’t.

i was a creative liar when I was in primary school as I felt inferior as I had no skills so when a new child came to school I would make up stories about being a horse riding champion and folk dancer.

I wonder did others make up stories.

[Airies]

I struggled learning, had an overprotective mother and anxiety was a big thing. Was often told I was a day dreamer and I was. Loosing my father in a tragic accident and never knowing him to this day fills me with loss.  I was often in my own little world.

[quirkywords]

Aries I want to hug that little boy who wanted to throw stones .

Your childhood makes my sound like a walk in the park.

I know we dpont compare but you had many big issues. I have told this before I feel guilty I have bipolar as i really had no early trauma in my life.

[asdff]

Aww Airies that is so sad. I would have been your friend. I was everyone’s friend and I still am. I can help others, yet I can’t help myself. I have this brain that won’t switch off. It does at nighttime but that is because I’ve worried enough in the day. My husband says I wish I slept like you. I say if I worked I would be having a nervous breakdown every two weeks.

Airies back to the overprotective Mum. You do realise she was doing that as she lost her husband? She is probably still grieving.

[velvetfaerie]

I truly don't know where to start with that one. How to answer. What is relevant.

Quirky- I have a good friend who also has bipolar but no life trauma as well.
Makes one ponder nature vs nurture.
Never feel guilty for who you are. You're wonderful.

[quirkywords]

asdff

I may have made the mistake of making my children too independent so now as adults they include me in their lives but dont need me

. To be fair they wanted to be indepedent, i didnt neglect them but I didnt hover!

I suppose parents cant win.

Velvet I had no nature , i am first one in family.