This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Quirky,

There are definitely times when I don't react well to being told...particularly by my husband! He has felt the wrath many times, I have accused him of trying to stop me from having fun. I think the key is to get to me early... even then, my first reaction is to lash out - am trying to stop doing that... I'll let you know how it goes!

Tams

[Issi]

Hi

TAMS after I was assulted, I never cared what happened to me. Monday to Friday I was "normal" working playing sport of an evening. Then the weekends would come where I used to lose all my self respect, drink way to much sometimes not know where I was waking up. I truely hated myself.

No I could comfortably live ideally in my dreams on the east side of Ohua Hawaii. Quieter than Waikiki, beautiful beaches and local food. Second choice would be Exmouth or Port Exmouth.

Be Happy with or without huddy or kids

Issi

[Tams20]

Hello everyone, hope you are well.

Reading back on Kazzl's original post and using riding in a lift as a metaphor, I am having a 'Basement' level day today. I should have seen it coming and perhaps done some things differently, but I didn't so now I have to push on through.

Issi your story is so familiar to me... writing yourself off as punishment, not caring about the consequences... then flicking a switch and maintaining a perfect illusion of having everything together. I don't have many friends left from that period in my life and I suspect that I now know why... To be honest I would probably still be the same now if I didn't have a partner and children and the role as breadwinner for my family - responsibilities stop me from behaving in a self-destructive way.

Happy Friyay everyone.

Tams

[Chloe_M]

Hi Tams20,

Hope you are feeling okay today. Hope you aren't in the basement for long... I have days like that too. A couple of days ago I was very depressed. Lasted about 3-4 days, maybe 5. I don't remember.
Just remember that we are here to help you, and if you need to talk, know that I'm here. I haven't posted much on this thread but have been reading it all.

Have you got anything nice planned for the weekend?

Hope you feel better,

Chloe x

[quirkywords]

Waves to everyone,

Issi and Tams,

It was interesting to read your experiences and interpretations of your behaviour. I suppose I did not really have any insight into what I was doing was not trying to harm myself. I was having a great old time, it wanst until I hit the basement again that I was what I had down and then tried to gather up any piece of my self respect or reputation that had not been destroyed by my mania.

Tams I hope you find your way put of the basement. For me when I was on a higher level the basement did not exist but when in basement I would bide my time the good times came again.

Chloe, the great thing about this thread is we can all be there for each other.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Chloe & Quirky,

Thanks for the support, I actually feel a bit better now. One of my workmates dragged me out of the office at lunch, we grabbed some takeaway, took a long walk around the harbour and found a nice spot by the water to eat our lunch. The weather is perfect and the fresh air, sunshine and walking has helped clear some of the fog from my brain.

Nothing much planned for the weekend, should be fairly relaxing. What are you both doing?

Tams

[Chloe_M]

Hey Tams20,

im still on school holidays s I'm reading and having fun (mostly). I am competing again tomorrow and Sunday and the again next Wednesday. Am pretty excited!

nice of your coworker to take you out to lunch. They sound like a really nice person. Hope you find a friend there.

all the best xx

chloe

[Tams20]

Hi Chloe,

Good luck in your competitions! You sound like you’re in a good frame of mind at the moment 😊

Tams

[Chloe_M]

Hi Tams,

thank you!! I have two dances to perform tomorrow, and then two on Sunday. I also have another dance (these are solos, so I do them on my own in front of an adjudicator against other kids my age) but it is not ready to perform on stage yet.

I am in a good frame of mind. I listened to music, read my book and watched Dance Academy on Netflix today. I stayed in my pjs till like 12:30 when my brothers friend came over lol.

How are you feeling today?

chloe x

[Issi]

Hi to all

Chloe good luck for your performances on the weekend.

I think this weekend might be a good one, going out in the morning then I want to be home to watch the Supercars from Phillip Island (I’m a rev head at heart) . Wishing everyone has a positive in their weekend.

Issi