This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Hi Quirky,

What do you mean by a journal? Like a type of diary? I think I would like that, I’m much better at writing than talking, but I’d be worried about my husband finding it and reading it... I don’t think he’d be able to resist a sneaky peek and it might freak him out!

Tams

[Issi]

Hi

Tams you could write a diary/journal in paper form or have a private file on your computer with a constructive name ( eg. Receipes, old fashioned cleaning tips, something that he would have no interest in looking at) just a thought. It does knock you on your backside when you receive another diagnosis I didn’t mean to sound flippant in my previous post. it just feels like for me that at least every 6 months I am asked to obtain a second opinion to forfill Medicare’s continuing rebates and authorised prescriptions. Often these opinions pick up a small part of a disorder that is not in my file. So I’m not thrilled with labels, as I could take a paragraph to put all my labels down.

Another thing is there is always a dr who is doing a trial, on nutritional supplements, other therapy’s to tms etc. My dr has just asked me to be a part of one, which I will be turning down as I don’t want to be someone’s guinea pig any more.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Tams, Issi gave you a good idea about putting a different title on your file for your diary. Some people like writing in an actual journal up to you. Depending on your relationship with your husband you could just say you are writing a journal to help you and it is just for you and no one else. I must admit I do hide mine but I really don't think anyone could read my writing anyway!!

Tams, it can be so overwhelming at first trying to work things out . After 40 years, I have a lot of self knowledge but sometimes things throw me and I go back to the drawing board. It is a journey that can take you in unexpected directions.

Issi, I saw your post as being real not flippant. It must be hard to be part of trials. I have never been asked to do a commercial one.

Thanks everyone for your helpful suggestions

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Issi - Without understanding how the Medicare system works with mental health, the cynic in me wouldn't be surprised if the new 'labels' are just a requirement to continue the rebates... or at the very least a way of stopping questions being asked if there was some kind of audit. Maybe that's a good way of thinking about it? As an administrative process, rather than yet another label for you?

Issi & Quirky - you've given me a few ideas to work with re: the journal. I can use my work laptop and mobile to create a journal, he doesn't have access to those as they are both password protected for security reasons. I don't actually think he would snoop if I asked him not to, but there's always that 1% chance....

A question for everyone - do any of you have problems with your relationships with close friends, as a result of your condition? I feel like one minute I'm needy and wanting constant contact with them, then they say or do something that upsets me and I want to tell them to f*** off and completely destroy the friendship. I have one particular friend that refuses to engage with me when I start getting 'difficult' (for want of a better word) and I find that this makes me livid! She just switches off. I don't find this at all helpful, I'd rather her pull me up on my behavior rather than ignoring it. She has previously said she feels that everything she says is wrong so it's better to back off until I calm down. Drives me nuts. I am the type that likes a good fight then I feel better - I suspect that she is not like that at all.

Relationships do my head in - I sometimes think I'd be better off living on my own with a couple of dogs and half a dozen cats.

[Chloe_M]

Hi Tams20,

haven't been on here for a while, but have been reading so i know whats going on 🙂

I don't have a bipolar disorder (well i actually don't know, I'm not diagnosed, but i highly doubt it) but I get the same thing with friendships. One minute I want everyone around me, the next minute I'm dropping f-bombs and getting really annoyed at everyone.

I'd love to live with just cats and dogs. That would be bliss.

Hope you all here had a good day 🙂

Chloe

[quirkywords]

Tams

Do you have problems with your relationships ?

Where do I start. I am on my third major relationship, my children think my parenting skills were lacking and I have hurt people and pushed people away I like or either been so needy friends have run away.

I have not many questions but not many answers.

When I was very unstable there was not much awareness of bipolar so people just thought I was rude or lazy.

There is much more information now but that can mean people think they are experts and they tell you what you should be feeling and how to behave. I think if some found me too much and ignored me in the long run that is better than hurting them. When I was depressed I did not like myself and did not go out and so people stopped asking me, When manic I thought I was so wonderful but later people would tell me they avoided me as I was too overwhelming and argumentative! Fancy that.

Since being on medication I am more stable but I can still annoy and upset people but I suppose I am not alone like that.

Tams thanks for your great question. I wonder how others will answer your question.

Quirky

[Issi]

Hello Everyone

Tams, I have problems with relationships. Some with my family, extended family and friends especially when I was also drinking but haven’t had a drink for 4 years. But even still I can can count my true friends on 1 hand.

I would love to live either in Port Douglas or Exmouth, they are warm and on the beach. Exmouth would be quieter and the Ningaloo Reef is meant to be beautiful.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Issi, I have never thought about drinking and relationships. That is interesting.

I always thought if I could live in a place that was 25 degrees C all year round,I would like that.

Do you think warmer weather makes for easier relationships??

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi all,

Sounds like we all have some difficulty with relationships... could be a coincidence, but unlikely!

I was out with my friend last night and she actually mentioned that she worries about saying something to upset me so she tends to shut down when things get difficult. I told her that is likely to make me even more determined to get a reaction out of her (I can be an a-hole like that sometimes, spoiling for a fight) so she should pull me up on my behavior early, before I have a chance to say something that will hurt her. She said she would do that from now on - and already has!

I'm pretty good once people point out my behavior, I snap out of it quickly, I'm just not very aware of what I'm doing sometimes. A bit like you Quirky, when you said that you thought you were wonderful when in a manic state but that others thought differently! Sometimes I have an inkling that I'm being a bit 'full-on' but I'm never sure how it is affecting others. So I need to be told.

Issi, I am terrible when I'm drinking. I had a tendency to binge drink a lot in my youth (and still do occasionally - last night for instance) and it used to often get out of hand... I've had some big fights (with strangers, partners, friends, family) and occasionally sustained injuries from my outrageous behavior - definitely not some of my finer moments in life.... it didn't seem to take long for a situation to go from being fun to out of control. Thankfully now I tend to be a happy drunk... until the next day, that is.... I should give it up but I love it so much. Love that feeling of being a bit out of control. Not good really!

I think warmer weather is nice to a point - I think sustained heat and humidity would be bad for your mental health... hence the term 'gone troppo'. You still need some relief at night, or at least in winter... or live in a house with good airconditioning! Northern NSW/Southern QLD works for me, or the Sunshine Coast 🙂

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Tams ,

I think many people have trouble with relationships but with a mental illness it can add a degree of difficulty.

If someone had told me when I was manic that I was annoying or overwhelming I would have reacted angrily on just go on being in denial. I do not take feedback well even it is well meaning. Tams, I am impressed you would change your behaviour if some said so. I was so out of touch when manic that I thought everyone else had the problem and they wanted to stop my fun. I wonder if that is unusual.

I think it is good you can talk to your friends.

Quirky