This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Loula]

Hi Quirkywords,

I wounded why we crave bad food when we are down? Like nothing else is appealing and I swear the bad food gives me energy.

Yeah im just trying to weigh it all up with the insurance. Some people swear by it some hate it. Some love the public health system some hate it same as private.

I just don't want to risk it if I have children incase I get sick.

Im actually doing good. My depression is lifting which is nice. I think these new anti depressants are agreeing with me except I'm getting a bit of anxiety.

I am though freaking out about work for the month. My hours will be different week to week and can change mid week and lots of late nights which is different as I'm on a set roster so I know I'm going to hate that. It's the really busy period to so that's going to stress me out. Every year I generally get sick around this time due the fact everything changes and my routine is blown up. I just hope my medication keeps me straight.

[Lady_Stardust]

Loula & quirky: thank you so much for your words of encouragement. That’s a good idea, designing a dream house, I’ve never done that before! I have lots of posters, but I think I should rearrange, take some stuff down and replace. Probably would make my room feel less same-same. I slept better last night - had a cry and I think it was a cathartic one. Today’s a better day. I should have expected this down period because I was feeling so good the day before it started and I recognise that now as my hypomania. It can be hard for me to tell sometimes because I don’t experience it near as often as my depression.

I’ve no idea about things like health insurance, other than it can be ludicrously expensive. 😞 Is there perhaps some kind of assistance scheme you could get from a government organisation?

I’m sorry to hear about your change in routine, I know that can be really difficult, and maybe even more so for us? I don’t know, but I do know that I struggle as well with change and uncertainty.

I’m sure that everything will work out just fine for you, though, and for everyone here. ❤️

As for the craving of junk foods, I have no idea why that is - I experience it, too. Is it possible that, due to the fact that things like chocolate release positive hormones, we are subconsciously attempting to feel happiness that way?

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Loula,

I am glad things are going ok. I like routine too so I know how hard it is to cope with change.

Hopefully te medications will help you cope with a new routine.

Lady _Stardust, I can eat chocolate no matter what mood I am in but seems to eat and crave more when I am low. Alas when I eat too much I feel guilty not happier.

Quirky

[Loula]

Hey Lady Stardust

Desiging your dream house is so much fun and calming. I love it. I love checking out the quricky houses with the hidden rooms and bathrooms with free standing baths.

Im glad your starting to feel a bit better. Nothing beats a good cry. Yea it can be hard to tell when your hypomania especially when it's not a intense strong one. Unlike your depression that you can tell straight away. One thing my husband has noticed with me is when I'm get hypomania i tend to not be able to sit still. I look around a lot. I use my hands heaps. I fidget. Mabye you can look at those behaviours and see if you do them. Like I had no clue I was doing it till he told me and now I notice it.

It's funny how all 3 of us crave bad food @quriqywords. There must be something in the food that gets us going. Because like I feel like I need it to function if that makes sense but I know it's probably the worst thing for me when I'm down but I just don't care.

I have found for people with bipolar we need schedule. Im just praying the medication holds out. I might see the doctor if there's anything he can give me if I get overwhelmed or crying in the toilet. I just don't want to return to my old coping ways as they where not healthy.

[Lady_Stardust]

quirky, I get what you mean. It’s like, as soon as you’ve reached a certain point, you just feel like you’ve done the wrong thing by yourself. I know it can also be hard to hold back and regulate sweet intake. 😞

Loula, definitely! It’s like that Winchester house, with stairs that lead to nowhere and secret nooks and crannies. Personally, all I’ve ever wanted was to have an attic bedroom. Maybe one day.

That sounds a bit like me, thank you for the suggestions on what to look out for. My mum tells me that I talk a lot, like incessantly, and I tend to jump around from topic to topic. I get loud too, which is totally unlike me, and I laugh a lot. It’s all fun and games until the crash. 😕

I think we should allow ourselves to be a little naughty when it comes to foods now and then, because there’s so many different, tasty things to try. As for coping, maybe you could look up different strategies people have found helpful? Myself, I like to listen to music, watch movies, read. I also like to write, but sometimes don’t have the energy for it.

[Airies]

I've always had private health insurance.WI'll drop it eventually .Big bowl of salad for dinner, veggies for me.But by avoiding certain food groups i know long term probably not the best f choices. Especially wth Xmas coming up I think we can allow ourselves a few luxuries. My days of making new year resolutions are long gone. I take it one day at a time. I was so tired after lunch I needed to have a few hours in bed. So tired but listen to my body. Rest when I need it

cheers Airies

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Lady stardust you wrote" I think we should allow ourselves to be a little naughty when it comes to foods now and then, because there’s so many different, tasty things to try" What a great idea.

Airies, I agree I don't make new years resolutions any more as I only break them. I think listening to your body is a good idea.

Loula. hope you are ok and coping with your new routine at work.

Quirky

[Issi]

Hi All

I’m craving something yummy, not sure what. Feeling a bit yuk now my course is finished, while going I felt like I had purpose, need to get some sort of job to give me that sense of purpose.

Issi

[Loula]

And boom! My fear came true, losing it at work. But the customer was a cow that didn't want to be serverd by me as she asked why I was shaking and I said it's due to medication and she's like I want someone that's not medicated to serve me and started complaining about me so I gave her a mouthful. My college and boss where like boom good on you. They got my back!

 I really struggle with the fact I need medication to be happy and as you know I'm on a new one so my body is a bit messy and I just hate it. Then to be judged on it by a stranger just made me feel so worthless. I ended up in the toilet crying as all the shame of being medicated and having bipolar came up and I just wanted to self harm but I didn't, it was hard but I didn't!!! Though I know I need to find something that's going to help me. A quick coping strategy. Rant over.

Lady Stardust see you already know some of your symptoms you know just need to learn to watch for them for yourself. I do have good strategys at home when I'm sick like movies and drawing but at work I can't do that lol. Yes I agree we need special food days but at the moment every meal is special food day haha.

Airies you eat nice and healthy. I'm the same I don't do New Years resolutions manly because if I want to change something or set a goal I'll do it anytime in the year.

Issi did you figure out what your craving? If not I think you should eat Thai food. Must be strange going from something to nothing. But honestly uss this time to do what you love. Once you start working it will be work work work. Don't waste this time. Trust me!

[Lady_Stardust]

Airies, that sounds like a nice meal! And definitely, what fun is Christmas without having a couple tasty tidbits? And yes, certainly listen to your body. Agreed on new year resolutions.

quirky, I’m glad you agree!

Issi, I certainly understand what you mean. When there’s nothing going on it can feel like there’s not much direction. But try to be good to yourself: you always have purpose. I very much hope you get a job soon.

Loula, I’m so sorry to hear that. 😞 And that customer’s behaviour was disgusting, I would have done the same thing. No one deserves to be spoken to like that and she is horribly outdated in her thinking. I know it’s hard not to be, and I’ve had the exact same thinking, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of having medication. Would you be ashamed of having medication for diabetes, or chronic allergies, or an infection? Certainly not.

There is nothing wrong with taking medication. Yeah, it can feel like, well, what’s wrong with me that I can’t deal with emotions without a pill? I understand. But it’s not like that at all. There’s so many things that need to be assisted with by medication. You are no lesser a person because of it.

That customer is an idiot, through and through. I’m really proud of you for not self-harming even with the urge to, we’re all so proud! Perhaps look up those quick, healthy coping strategies you want? I’m sure they’re around.

I’m trying my best to keep an eye out for any changes in my behaviour so I can try to deal before it becomes uncontrollable. >.<

But, here’s the piece of good news that came through yesterday, as I’m sure you all know: same-sex marriage is officially legal! How amazing is that? It’s just wonderful. Wonderful. ❤️