This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

velvetfaerie

Let's just say that equality and equity is applied unequally........

quirkywords

So true velvet

asdff

I just need to get this out and then I’ll read everybody’s responses. Does anyone feel like they lived another life? I’m in an area where I grew up and also spent part of my early adult life memories keep flooding back when I drive the streets. I know I used to exercise hyper manically along these streets. It feels overwhelming to feel all these feelings at once. Does anyone else get this? I feel I feel like it’s overwhelming and perhaps this is a trauma response from my parents moving away and me having to fend for myself work three jobs go to university and support myself. I’ve moved away from this area in the city and it really does feel like I’m living a second life from the time when I was an early teenager young adult.

asdff

Aries and velvet my weight has gone in the opposite direction up. I’ve also been in velvet shoes where pants would fall down and and now I’m at what you would call healthy my tendency to fall in and eating disorder category doesn’t like being “healthy” but just like most of my thoughts I try and fight them.

quirkywords

Asdff

that is so interesting . I have a Déjà vu experience when I am seeing a view or a place for firSt time. I feel it is familiar not new.

asdff

Quirky, do certain smells evoke strong memories for you? They do for me. A certain perfume will take me back to a place and experience. Like in the same way music does.

velvetfaerie

Asdff = yep. Some houses I lived in as a young adult were a couple hundred metres from a university. The houses have long been demolished, but, for me, the energy is still there. Hard to explain, but I think you get it.

Energy changes, but cannot be destroyed.

⚡️

Airies

Yes , definatelly. I have an urge to go back to my past when i was a toddler, the first house i lived in and hanging on to fleeting memories. I’ve been tempted to knock on the door and say Can i come in I was born in this house. I’ve even strained my brain trying to remember the names of people in the whole street. Unfortunately as time goes on my memory fails.

Today I went to see a neurologist re the shakes I occasionally get now but in the past have been quite severe. At times I have struggled to carry a hot cup from the bench to the table without it spilling.

I haven’t got dementia. He states my diagnosis is you don’t have Parkinson’s and your tremors can be directly related to your meds. If you cease your meds there’s no guarantee that the shakes will go away due to the residual effect on some of these meds. All good , now have an extra med to take when the shakes come along. I’m ok with that after ankle surgery, hip replacement and prostate surgery it’s just another thing to tick off.

How are people coping with Winter? It’s been cold but relatively dry. I can’t wait for winter to

pass

quirkywords

Aries

M y partner who is about 15 years older than you was told for years he had essential tremor. 2 years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I am clumsy at times I drop things have a mild tremor but no Parkinson’s. I

only use unbreakable cups as I have dropped quite a few. I am

lucky I only have one medication.

when my dad died and family home sold, a neighbour took me through the house with the new owners blessing. I was emotional as they changed so much. I know it was in bad condition and it looked like a vogue home but not quirkys home of magical memories.

asdff

Oh houses definitely hold memories for me. Like Velvet said the energy and she vocalised it so well saying the area holds energy. So true. I’ve lived in houses and my friends have lived in houses and I drive past those new houses that are built on their blocks and it all just comes flooding back. Even though I have bipolar, I have what I think and some others have committed on a great memory. I’m not saying for facts and things I’ve read. I mean about people and places, I can tell you what I was wearing when met someone for the first time. I can tell you the name of siblings and peoples children’s names. I sometimes forget important details though (perimenopause and my medications).