This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[amberlite]

Hello autism calling- I agree with Asdff, Galah as the 'next of kin' to your wife your opinion will be heard and acted on, in regards to your wife's health and safety.

So cookery students are messy and art students klepto, LOL

Asdff if Quirkywords Bp. has no biological component and yet she has Bp. then it would seem just as probable that your kids are unlikely to acquire Bp. even though you have it. Quality nurturing may be the best bet to improve the overall outcome for all kids and adults with Bp. I was given a hysterectomy at age 14 because my next of kin was heard and acted on. It is ok like your pet, I have known no different.

Today I saw images of the Taliban taking power and I felt bad for the regular Afghan people. It reminded me of Nazis. My point?? Churchill was Bipolar and he had the forward mindsight to see and speak out before any one else dared to. This disorder and when managed does it give you foresight? Because the world needs some now.

[quirkywords]

Welcome the Galah to this thread and the forum.

Bipolar can be such a cruel illness for both the person who has it and the friends and family.

I am sorry you all have been through so much .

I was wondering what are your wife’s depressions like ?
I was diagnosed with bipolar over 45 years ago. For the first 16 years after diagnosis I was in denial and angry. When manic I was rude , impulsive, risk taking and very self absorbed.

I still feel ashamed of how I treated people then until started medication. During those 16 years I would accuse other people of being crazy and of harassing me. I felt everyone else had a problem.

I think you know if she doesn’t want to seek help she won’t.

When I was depressed I was more likely to get help but it took me 16 years .

Do you have people to support you.?

I feel that you need to care for yourself when your wife has manic moods.

Thanks for your honesty.

we are listening so feel free to post here when you like.

[asdff]

Apparently I don’t let my feelings of how exhausting bipolar is out enough. I probably share on here instead. Ha ha. Having bipolar is exhausting. It’s like having a car running all day and night. With something over the top of the car to make it stop running. Maybe like driving all day and night with the handbrake on. Plus the car has half an exhaust pipe. It’s truely physically and mentally exhausting. I’m ready for a sleep today.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

i have been permanently exhausted for most of my life.
I relate to what you wrote.

I feel like Sisyphus from mythology who spent all day pushing up a huge rock up hill only to have it roll down and to have to push the rock up the hill again .
the constant pushing up hill then realising it is futile is exhausting.

[thegalah]

Thank you quirkywords and asdff

this forum is great. I’ve learned so much reading through the posts.

yes, her psychologist has spoken to me and she says there is nothing much she can do in a manic episode.

my wife is more likely to get help when she is depressed, even though she espouses a healthy diet as a cure all, there have been moments where medication has been considered (briefly)

the manic episodes can last ages though

I’m trying to be supportive but if I set boundaries that makes her angry

my kids (and a few close friends) are my support but it also creates new problems - they want me to get out of an unhealthy relationship and cut ties with her completely (as they have). I know this will trigger a breakdown

it like there is no answer to this. And I’m living in temporary homes with a dog during lockdown trying to hold down a job

[asdff]

The galah I find the fact that friends have abandoned your wife horrific. I have abandonment issues from having key figures in my life leave when I was young. I do wonder how come people cannot research or do a google search to see if your wife’s symptoms are easy to spot and give her a break. If we had broken legs, arms or said we had cancer. People would understand. We have a mood disorder. I have family members that have autism and someone was trying to suggest they have what I have. Ah no. We might get angry but there are grave differences and I’m not going to post about them on here for fear of upsetting other readers. q

Quirky, when you were educating people about bipolar, was there any benefit to you? Besides getting our beast of a disease out there in the public eye.

[thegalah]

yes, I agree that abandoning their mother was tough but both are going through their own mental health challenges because of what they went though - they need to feel safe. family and friends have encouraged her to seek help but she refuses to accept there is a problem. it appears to me that it’s the friends who offer support but take no responsibility to seek help are the ones who are making this problem worse?

[quirkywords]

Asdff

i always felt ashamed and a not valued so by being a volunteer speaker I feel valued and appreciated. I liked being honest and sharing my lived experience with others .

I felt by being open I could help others get help and reach out to others.

[quirkywords]

The galah

I find it is hard to understand what someone else is going through. Does your wife have times when she is stable neither high nor low..?

I have people who read one article on the internet and feel they are an experts. These so called experts have told me I should go off my meds, have a holiday and eat special food.

you are trying hard and I feel when she is not manic she will realise how caring you have been.

[amberlite]

You are no Galah you are a Legend 🙂