This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Aries

I thought it was not quite rightp it may be too easy and I didn't want to appear too ignorant.

Throw the scales away. I can put on one kilo in 3 days.

[Lisa611]

Hi All,

Well I returned to work today even if it was all online. No students today it was a pupil free day. I go to school tomorrow and on Thursday. The rest of the time I'm working from home. I've been trying to book an appointment for the Pfizer vaccine. It's so hard to find! I managed to get a booking for Aug 12th. My eldest daughter is supposed to be getting married in September. She's stressing because we don't know what's going to happen with this covid lockdown. She's already had to postpone it once because of covid. I'm feeling good. Hopefully the increase in meds is having the desired effect. We had a new teacher start at our school today. They are gender neutral so they prefer not to be known as a he or she. When you refer to them you use they or them. It'll take a little while for me to get my head around that. Sometimes I find it hard to express how I feel in words. Other times I don't know exactly how I'm feeling. Does anybody else feel this way too sometimes?

[asdff]

Lisa from what I understand bipolar 2 gets hypermania and bipolar 2, gets mania. Having lived with my diagnosis for 3 years, I can see the hypermania. I can’t do anything to stop it. Only do things do prevent it. Like keep routines.

Quirky enjoy the new grand baby. I hope you get some pics as no cuddles yet.

School holidays mess with my head. As routines aren’t as rigid. My head has been hurting the last few days. That could be a low? I am resting today as much as possible. Lisa, I am not sure how you deal with teenagers…. Mine is a pain in the bottom. She says horrible things to me and thinks it’s okay. I know her brain is changing too and she will come out of the other end as an adult. I just find the lack of respect infuriating.

[Jazz and Blues]

Hi asdff,

Your experience echoes mine at times, where I can see the hypomania starting but seem unable to stop it once its happening. There are a few reasons that I have identified that ring true for me, personally. They may or may not reflect your experience. For me, my depressive episodes are so awful, and even the times between them I often have depressive symptoms. So, when the hypomania starts, it feels like a reprieve, a release from the all-consuming depression. And so, I often fall into the trap of letting it run and not trying to stop it. But this almost always results in some sort of negative outcome.

So I've learned that, like a skydiver, I cannot wait too long to pull the parachute. For me, that means sharing with my loved ones what is going on, ensuring I get enough sleep (which tends to dwindle when I'm hypomanic), getting an urgent appointment with my doctor and stopping myself (with help!) from making any major decisions.

I echo your thoughts about routines! This is a major disruptor for me. I particularly notice this when I travel (so you'd imagine I'd be pretty stable with all this COVID around, hey?!) as my normal routines become a little slacker.

[Jazz and Blues]

Hey again Lisa611, I hope your return to work has not placed too much pressure on you as you are adjusting to your new medication. It seems like things are improving and you are able to bring in some balance with some work from home. Have you arrived at a decision about telling your principal about your diagnosis? I'm interested in others thoughts around this too. As someone who has been quite open with my own mental health battles in public, it always fascinates me to hear how others weigh this up. There is certainly no right way forward and it depends on a number of factors.

In case others are interested, I have found it helpful considering the following when deciding whether to disclose information about my mental health:
- Does this person need to know?
- How will I benefit from telling this person?
- How much do they need to know?
- Is my specific diagnosis relevant?
- What benefit am I serving others in reducing stigma?
- Are there any risks from me telling this person?

Ultimately, I have made the decision to be rather open with friends, family, colleagues and my employer as I realised that there was some benefit in "big target defence". By this, I mean that it can be difficult for people to discriminate against you when lots of people know your story. It certainly makes people think twice, anyway. But this is not the best strategy for everyone and does come with a degree of risk. This decision was right for me and my illness. Each person must decide for themselves the best way to manage their illness and who gets to know what.

J&B

[quirkywords]

Lisa

I find it hard to express my feelings especially when I am confused or stressed.

People ask how do you feel but maybe if I knew I wouldn't feel so lost.

Glad school is ok. My daughter did the gender neutral thing until baby was born.

I found it hard to say they for one person.

asdff what is difference between hypo/hyper mania and mania.,?

Jazz it is good you have loved ones you can be honest with.

[asdff]

Quirky, I think but I’m no expert just living proof. Both are increased energy levels, both physically and mentally. Mania can have the need to be hospitalised. You might have depression in between dips of mania. There might be paranoid and delusional thoughts.

Hypomania will have increased energy but not to the same extent as mania. You will get a depressed period after hypermania. I am sure others have something else to add and I am not an expert.

[Jazz and Blues]

For those playing along at home, it can be difficult to distinguish between different syndromes so I will do my best to explain.

There are many different mood disorders. Some of the more commonly known ones are:

• major depressive disorder (commonly referred to as "depression", which lasts at least 2 weeks)
• persistent depressive disorder (previously known as "dysthymia", which is milder than MDD but lasts at least 2 years)
• bipolar affective disorder type I (typically what people think of as "bipolar", which has episodes of mania lasting at least 7 days)
• bipolar affective disorder type II (which has episodes of depression lasting at least 2 weeks and hypomania lasting at least 4 days)
• cyclothymia (brief cycling episodes of hypomania and depression, but not long enough to be bipolar disorder)

So when we think of mania VS hypomania, it comes down to the intensity AND duration of the episode. Sometimes people with mania will develop grandiose delusions and can behave quite erratically. As asdff says, a period of depression may follow a manic/hypomanic episode (but not always).

And just to be really confusing, it is also possible for people with bipolar disorder to experience what is known as a mixed episode where they experience both mania and depression at the same time.

Hope that helps.

It is important if you are concerned about the symptoms, the differences between the disorders or if you wish to speak to someone about bipolar to speak to your GP. This is not medical advice. 

Just my two cents.

J&B

[quirkywords]

Asdff

I did many high risk taking behaviours that were very dangerous but at the time it seemed a good idea.

I think mania affects people differently.

[Lisa611]

Thank you all for your recent posts I've found them interesting and informative. I went to school today. There were about 40 kids out of about 1200 students. I had 9 kids come online for one lesson out of a class of 30 and 10 kids online for another class. I'm working from home for the rest of the week. I went and saw the principal early this morning. I showed her some work I had done over the holidays. I did this to show her that I'm capable of doing my job. I also asked my supervising deputy principal to attend a faculty meeting today that I ran. I felt good about the meeting. I'm going to my second support meeting via zoom tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.