This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

Lisa611 · ‎04-05-2021

The kitchen is definitely not my domain. My partner does all the cooking. It's been raining here today and it's getting cooler. My partner has brought a massive TV for the new place. It is getting mounted on the wall. It's huge! Last two days at work have been okay. I had 4 periods of year 9 today. They were alright for the first 2 but there were 3 boys who were really disruptive in the last 2. They did no work and were just acting stupid the entire time. There's not alot I can do when they act like that. I have to remain calm when really all I want to say is shut the hell up. I was glad when the period was finally over. My youngest daughter moves into her shared accommodation place this weekend. Her room there is big. She wants all timber furniture so she is buying bits and pieces. She is staying over her sister's place tonight because she is working out that way tomorrow so I'm staying over at my partner's.

Airies · ‎05-05-2021

Lisa, as I recall year 9s are notoriously misbehaved unless I’m mistaken.,All that testosterone.
At that age the strap kept most in line. Back then I got it for talking in line.Another would make you kneel in the corner.

V I had a diagnosis of ADHD in the early 90s . Then it was BP1 back in 2015 and now BPAD., only because I look at the paperwork. I haven’t asked my psych directly. Regardless I know I’m NQR.

Never the imposter. You are the genuine article 🙂

velvetfaerie · ‎05-05-2021

Small armies of pubescents. HELL> NO> Brave lady. I was a nightmare at that age. Wagged school. Excelled in subjects I was interested in. Was lucky to pass those I had no interest in. Was asked to leave my first high school. Yes. Kicked out, without the expulsion.

I wish to investigate adhd. I have done the dsm5 stuff and will be taking it to my GP to ask for a referral. Back in the day my old GP and psych didn't want to know. They were well into their 60s and clearly not very progresive. I was not a very compliant patient either, to be fair on the psych.

So I will try again. There are so many things that fly the red flag for adhd, including things my mother has said in discussion about this. I drive people nuts. I drive myself nuts. I cannot sit and watch a movie. I cannot sit and watch anything really. I have 3 books to read. NOPE cannot sit still. "Very intelligent just needs to apply self. Talks in class." Always make stupid mistakes. "Slow down and take your time." My job bores the hell out of me UNLESS I get variety. I avoid big jobs that need mental staying power. My desk is a mess. My mind is a mess all the time. Relationships - turbulent, (as you well know. As i post on here!). I was lucky to keep my job years ago.

Anyway, seeking help from a professional. Again. I see GP in 5 days for step 1. She is pretty awesome. Will see what she thinks as a younger more progressive lady.

Quirky, you are right, who cares about labels. I was never one for them.

I am terrified. NQR. Damn right.

quirkywords · ‎05-05-2021

velvet

your paragraph below could be written about me.

The only job I ever kept for long was my shop. All those comments apply to me and have been said about me. Partner hates that I movie around when watching a movie. talks, does not apply self, if Q put as much effort into talking and nor working she would do even better!! chaotic relationships tick etc etc.

"So I will try again. There are so many things that fly the red flag for adhd, including things my mother has said in discussion about this. I drive people nuts. I drive myself nuts. I cannot sit and watch a movie. I cannot sit and watch anything really. I have 3 books to read. NOPE cannot sit still. "Very intelligent just needs to apply self. Talks in class." Always make stupid mistakes. "Slow down and take your time." My job bores the hell out of me UNLESS I get variety. I avoid big jobs that need mental staying power. My desk is a mess. My mind is a mess all the time. Relationships - turbulent, (as you well know. As i post on here!). I was lucky to keep my job years ago".

velvetfaerie · ‎05-05-2021

Trippy............. you feel they got you in your box of diagnosis/diagnoses or......... ?

quirkywords · ‎05-05-2021

I think we may have discussed before if some of us got in trouble for talking in class, in line etc at school

Airies · ‎06-05-2021

Quirky, indeed we have but I thought I’d throw it in there given the current conversation buts that s ok I often repeat myself.

quirkywords · ‎06-05-2021

Aries , I meant that not that were repeating myself but isnt it a fascinating topic that is so interesting we can explore again and again. Plus there are people dropping in and out of our chats that may not have seen iur discussion.

I am getting so bad Aries that I dont even remember that I am repeating myself, so you are a few steps ahead of mey. About ten years ago I had a good memory now I am told something and unless I write it down I forget it. I do write things down and forget where I wrote it!!

Any tips for remembering names of people you have just met and people you have known for years!!

Lisa611 · ‎06-05-2021

I am awful with remembering names. I have to sit the kids in alphabetical order to learn their names. It takes me a while to learn them all. I also have to keep a list at work of when things are on.

quirkywords · ‎06-05-2021

Lisa when I was a smarty pants student in highschool we would chnage places once a student teacher had learned our names or we would tell a relief teacher a made up name. When I was a teacher I felt it was payback when students played tricks on me.