This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I have taught many people in my crafts over the last 2 decades.
I think pro teachers are insane and brave. It's very exhausting. You have to be so mindful of setting an example and explaining perfectly.

Totally go on strike asdff. You need you time as well.

[asdff]

Who is down today? That would be me. I went to the gym, mainly to see a friend. Now couch bound.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

i have microwave moments sometime, moments so intensely sad but they don’t last long. Anyone have those moments too..?

[velvetfaerie]

Yeh I'm down. It's funny, I go above and beyond and put myself last to help everyone else with concerns in life and to just listen to them chat about general things.

No one does this for me. I text messaged 3 friends yesterday just to say hey. No reply. Yet when they want to waffle on about themselves, good or bad, I engage. All the time.

I feel so alone. Like i only exist to validate other people. Help others. At my own emotional expense.

And tomorrow is Monday PFFFFFTTT!!!

[quirkywords]

Velvet
I relate to your words below:

“ I feel so alone. Like i only exist to validate other people. Help others. At my own emotional expense.“

I feel that sometimes too. I wonder if others can relate to what velvet said.

[velvetfaerie]

And trying to hold people like that accountable is pointless.

They simply don't have the mental capacity or care factor.

I have choc for brekky 😄 now THAT is something worth caring about HAHA.

V.

[quirkywords]

That is true that trying to get people who don’t care is pointless.

[velvetfaerie]

I have just pinpointed the games man plays with me. We argue because he doesn't act like a partner.
I'm no angel either.

I concede defeat and own it all otherwise no progress will be made. He blames himself. After the entire day he has been blaming me.

So no matter what I will always feel manipulated. he likes to twist things about just to mess with my head.

I am so sick of it.

[velvetfaerie]

Tonight got out of hand. He isn't home he is away but his inability to discuss without pulling every manipulative tactic was laid out.
I have spoken to friends. Counsellors. The police.
Not the first time with any.

The emotional and mental abuse. I'm at breaking point. No accountability. Wants control and twists it all around to play the victim. Holds things over my head.

I need him to leave my house and my life and I am terrified. Scared of repercussions..scared of making the wrong decision..

[asdff]

Velvet, I just read about wanting man thing to leave. I don’t have any advice. You could contact a Domestic Violence Hotline. See what they suggest? I wrote the below stuff before I read about wanting him to leave. I think getting him to leave is a huge step, in putting yourself first.

Velvet, you have to learn to put yourself first. You sound like my Mum, she cares for everyone except herself. As her daughter, I have seen what not caring for yourself and everyone else can do. So, I made the decision to not be like her. I have learnt to say no. Would you like to come out with us? No. Can you be on this committee? No. Etc etc. Of course there are adult responsibility that you cannot day no to. Like work, like caring elderly parents. In Mum’s case, she doesn’t have to run around/drive teenage step granddaughters places. Those two can catch the bus or ride share.

Quirky, as for microwave moments. My microwave moments are generally anger. So angry, I feel my blood pressure rise. My sadness stays for a few days.