This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

It took me years to understand how the senate is elected.

[asdff]

Good luck with work tomorrow Velvet.

[velvetfaerie]

I'm not going to deal well with the routine change.

As for the rest... meh.

Thank you thought!!!

[quirkywords]

Velvet I thought you were taking longer off or maybe I am confused.

Hope you get through your first day back.

[velvetfaerie]

I was off for 2 months.
Time flew.
Never mind.
One day at a time settling back, and hopefully my mind set stays ok.

[quirkywords]

2 months wow. I can’t remember much I have done in that time .

just watched Awakenings for upteenth time,! Just really like it and it’s message to appreciate the simple things.

[velvetfaerie]

I haven't seen that movie. Maybe I should.

Work - ghost town staff wise. 50% less staff and same amount of work now.

It's not too bad. Maybe I just don't care anymore.

I have enjoyed seeing my cool colleagues though.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Velvet great you could see your cool colleagues again.

I am having few bumps on my wayin life in last few days, you know when you are not sure why you feel like you do and people say you are stronger than I think!!

I think I may scream if someone says that to me again??

Do others have pep talk phrases that annoy them??

[asdff]

Back to the default. Depressed. I wasn’t doing that great today. I distracted myself by doing some groceries. I come home, look in the mailbox. It’s a bill for high school fees. Daughter hasn’t even started there. Last week they emailed forms stationery, book lists etc. I thought that was rude. I might actually want a paper copy. I do like to mark things off on a book list. Then the fees. Thank goodness it’s a public school not a private. I’m already crying. Tomorrow is another appointment for her teeth. It’s the unknown that I don’t like. My friend had a three hour wait at this Surgeon. I don’t have the mental strength let alone patience to wait that long. I feel sick thinking about how much it might cost. I feel sick as I cannot contribute to the cost of these things. If I had a health care card I could get some money for high school fees. My child my definitely would not be getting braces if I was on a health care card. My brain is so muddled. It’s sad. I want definite answers. I want to know if I ever will be able to work again? If my children will get this terrible disease? I am doing everything in my power to prevent them not getting it. I am giving them a stable upbringing, free from trauma.

[asdff]

I never thought I would not go back to work after having children. It was always part of the plan. Before I had this diagnosis, I had an autoimmune disease that made me really tired.