This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Body shaming and food shaming and stuff are a trigger for me.

I love the comfort of watching familiar story lines.
Definitely a comfort thing.

I want to go garden. Also a comfort thing.

[asdff]

Quirky, that is the kind of thing that would set me off. Angry, cranky, upset all of the above. I like repetitive things. I think sometimes the bipolar brain is like the autistic brain. We like patterns. We like routines.

Velvet, can of worms with the body shaming stuff. I even thought hmmm do I start throwing up again? I'm not going to, I just had the thought. Ah the whole, what can I control thing. I did clean instead. Cleaning is like gardening. We are doing something with our hands. So the brain is quiet for a bit.

[quirkywords]

Gardening and cleaning not comforting for me. I like washing clothes and making beds.
also vacuuming.

[quirkywords]

sta day since saturday not raining here.

What is the weather like near you.

Issi just saying hello incase you are reading.

Sometimes I wonder if I am more sensitive than I am bipolar or is that why I am.

Anyone else feel like that too?

[asdff]

Yes, Quirky. I knew I was a highly sensitive person before I knew I had bipolar. I am the one that notices everything. I notice if you have had a haircut, if you a wearing a new shirt etc etc. I am hyper vigilant too. I cry at movies, books. I am excited when other people have good news. If only we could use this relent for good.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

i don’t notice haircuts or clothes I am sensitive in the fact you tell me sad news and I will be teary and absorb your news.
I cry a lot. I think being sensitive we can understand and help others,.

[asdff]

I am sensitive to all of that too. I don’t watch news. If it is on at the gym and there is a sad story, I actually have to turn my body away from the TV. I am so sensitive if I see a person in a wheelchair, on crutches etc. It upsets me. I saw a bloke with a shaved head and scars. So if I looked harder it could be some kind of brain trauma. He was crossing a crosswalk in front of my car yesterday, I had to turn my head away. I felt sadness for him. That is how sensitive I am. I feel it for you. I absorb it too. So I now try and block some of that feeling. I use it for good, like a Mother Hen doing things for people but as the years go by. I have found it doesn’t do me any good. If I take on too much helping I become so now don’t help others as much.

[quirkywords]

Hello

asdff thanks for your post. I can relate to what you wrote.

i am not sure I am a mother hen as I am not organised but I used to fuss over my children until an early age they said mum I can do it all by myself.

[asdff]

I am very organised Quirky. I am wondering if this is why I struggle so much at home. I think, I should be able to do this Mothering Gig and paid work. Then I realise I have a disorder that any sign of stress, I breakdown. Whether it's a small breakdown, a cry and/or a big breakdown. I used to have a pattern of work behaviours where I would resign before a yearly review. Not cool hey? I would be so anxious about what my bosses would say. Now if I had disclosed I had BP maybe I could have had feedback or informals chats rather than this "big thing". Re: workplaces I noticed a big supermarket chain. Accepts people with disabilities and all sexual orientations. I think that is really cool and we need more of that. If I could disclose that I need regular hours to an employer. I could get a job. It's this unkown stuff that stuffs me up.

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

asdff, I worked for myself as it is better than explaining your needs to co workers and boss.

I can’t tell you how great being self employed is . I don’t take the risk till my children had left home.
There are bosses and workplaces that are caring and understanding.