This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Red_Velvet]

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t been on posting much. A lot has happened recently.

I found out that my dad has depression and no one will help him. Friend problems at school have arisen again to my dismay and well now even school isn’t a place for me to get a break. I’ve been charting my moods and instead of the usual ups and downs, it’s just down. I feel stuck on this, eternal low and I’m doing all I can to pretend that it’s okay so that it doesn't effect others. My financial status is collapsing, all my potential jobs have declined me and my assignments are starting.

I had to reject a boy I really liked because he was from another country and we’d never meet eachother and I expected him to not contact me, yet he still does and he still cares, I don’t know why this hurts more than getting dropped completely. It hurts a lot because for once in my life I actually like someone.

My family life is falling apart at the seams because we are moving closer to my grandparents and my grandad and me have been. on thin ice. after he tried to lift my skirt up. At least I’ll be on a farm, with lots of places to sit and relax. But I just don’t feel safe.

This girl, who is meant to be my friend, is doing what she does best again. Ruining my life. She keeps threatening me to kill herself if I leave her and she rants to others how terrible I am, I can’t like something without her liking it too, like she needs to be a part of everything I do. And Every time she contacts me I get filled with anxiety, every time someone sends ‘...’ I get anxious because she would always send that before a rant.

I wish technology didn’t exist, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this all the time. I just want to go home and feel safe.

School is no better, putting me in the corner of the class because I coughed and have asian decent. I thought we were better than that. I didn’t go to school the whole week, I was devastated.

I don’t know what to do, my life is not as good as I thought it was and everything is falling apart. I’m just tired and scared. My head trauma is getting worse and things are getting harder to read, what means more hospital trips, what means more money and I fall back into this never ending cycle of being a dead weight.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I’m too scared to do anything, to say anything. I don’t even know how I feel.

Sorry I ranted. I just had to let it out. I’m so sorry.

—Red Velvet

[Sophie_M]

Hi Red_Velvet,

Welcome back. We are so grateful you've so bravely shared this with us here today and are so sorry to hear of all your recent struggles.

We want you to know we're here to provide as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We thought it might be helpful to remind you of some additional support options we'd encourage you to consider reaching out to. 1800RESPECT should be able to provide you with some useful advice for managing your family life. You can call them 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or webchat them here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome. We encourage to reach out to our friends at KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800 or via https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling anytime, day or night.

Please check in to let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[velvetfaerie]

People who use dire threats to control you are abusive.That is not cool.

Inappropriate attention, interaction and actions from anyone are also not cool. This is also abuse.

People like these disgust me. I too have been on the receiving end of this stuff, so in my older age I get cranky over it now, not scared. That age and experience. You reach a point where enough is enough and you stand up for yourself. I have been doing it all year. Some people don't speak to me anymore as I refuse to be their punching bag. Good riddance I say!

Has your dad sought help? I hope someone steps up. I understand how frustrating this can be too. i am sure BB has the ability to refer people to relevant services?

I have used the 1800respect number as they are fantastic.

V.

[Red_Velvet]

The thing I said about my GP pushing a man out of her room and them crying... well that was my dad. He is just as scared as me about how he feels and honestly a lot closer to taking his life. I’m trying to be the best daughter I can for him, but I’m scared to lose him. I love my mum, but she lacks what my dad has, if my dad passed away, I’m sure I would follow suit as I wouldn’t be able to cope anymore.

I just, need to talk to someone who can actually get me an appointment or diagnosis. It is clear my family is dealing with their own problems, why force mine upon them, we are all struggling. My mum always says that it’s stupid to speak to a councillor when I have a whole family that can help, but the thing is, they can’t help. I have no phone, no phone number, only an email and an iPad, I don’t even have free time to call anyone at school or home.

I am no stranger to abusive relationships and family. I do not wish to comment anymore, but my family, despite how much we love and care for eachother, is as dysfunctional as it can get.

Thank you for replying fellow Velvet, it makes me feel, the slightest bit safer.

[velvetfaerie]

You have no idea how much I understand all of this. It is a case of "been there, done that"... sadly.

I will check in again soon. I better do some work!

V.

[asdff]

Velvet we had Sister in law use our tip passes. I was annoyed that were using our passes. Hubby let it slide.

Red Velvet, not cool about your grand dad do others in your family know about this? It should be reported. A teacher at school, could be the right place. As for your Dad, he needs help. Tell him to see another GP in the practice and/or go to another one. Don’t give up until he has the help he needs. Were your parents born overseas?

[velvetfaerie]

I don't mind the friend of mine using them, but she made $150 off me and didn't even offer a kind gesture in return. I should have listened to my gut and burnt them as I was not going to use them before they expired.

People are trash.

[asdff]

I am so angry. Angry about slow computers. Irritated and angry that son refused to go to sport practice. Angry that no one else is going to do the dishes. Angry. That is my main emotion and I am really annoyed. Pysch appointment can't come soon enough. It's tomorrow.

[quirkywords]

Red,

So sorry things are so complicated,

Would your dadrelate to a male doctor,

ihopevyou have some one to talk to. Is there a teacher at school you can talk to,

keep posting here as long as you like.

[asdff]

Do you guys get so angry that it feels like your blood pressure is rising? I feel like I could hvae a heart attack when I was so angry. I feel like I want to punch something. As a teen, I had a punching bag. I could do with that right about now. The anger just builds and I lock myself away. I get angry as the kids and husband interrupt my TV show that I was trying to view to take my mind off being angry.