This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I want to cancel life.

Actions speak way louder than words. He has serious depression and the apathy that sadly can accompany it. I am in general a go getter..... until the black dog sneaks up and chews my butt. Even then.... my head isn't in the sand.

I hate emotions. I don't cope well with emotional pain. Physical pain I am fine with, but not the emotional.

Damn my accepting, non judgemental, compassionate and forgiving nature. That's why i have had my heart broken over the last 2 months and broke someone elses in retaliation.

Thank you to all of you here. I think you are all awesome. I want to share my chocolate with you all. I wish one day we could have a cuppa together.

Tonight I am helping my friend whos relationship went to pot the same day as mine. Her husband kicked her out. She is pregnant and has had enough of his interfering mother. Oh how I understand how she feels on some level. She has serious depression and I need to help her. She may end up staying with me until she moves home to Hobart. We shall see.

I have eaten nothing but junk today. This is terrible. I was so happy and healthy until December.

I am rambling because I am so drained. So tired. So depressed. So lost.

**snotty sobbing cuddles for all**

C.

[Guest_322]

Hi lovely band,

Chae, I'll gladly accept the snotty sobbing cuddles and I'll offer you a hug in return.

Depression is horrible. Manic episodes, I can't personally relate to but depression? That, I understand. Depression is an emotional vampire- it sucks energy, sucks motivation, sucks joy...the list goes on.

Yeah, I had a feeling that you're a bit of a bit of a softie at heart under the humour and go-getterness. It's awful when your very best traits- your compassion and forgiving nature- sometimes bites you in the bum.

Your poor friend. The one plus is she's lucky to have you in her life. You sound like someone who will stick by your friends through thick and thin.

More virtual hugs and a cup of tea coming your way ☕️ Never forget we think you're awesome!

Kaz and rest of the gang, I hope you have had a restful weekend. And more cups of virtual coffee and tea coming your way for those of you having a rough time.

Dottie x

[velvetfaerie]

I'm loyal to the point of stupid at times lol.

ahhhh mmmm tea.

It's hot here I'm going to go scare people in my bikini soon.

Ive successfully exhausted myself with 5 hours of decent exercise this weekend.....

hamster is snoozing.

Sorry aboit short reply. I hope you are all well and dandy.

[Kazzl]

Hi lovely Chae - a big sisterly cuddle for you possum. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. it really sucks to go through something like that. Sometimes our best qualities can hurt us, tis true. But they are also what make us good people, and that's important to hold on to. You're not stupid hun, you are a good, kind and loving person with all the fine qualities that we seek and admire in others. And the world needs more of you. I know this probably sounds a bit trite right now, but it is also true - this too shall pass. And you will be better off for the new start that will come. Xx

Hiya Dottie! I'd love a coffee thanks. Just about to watch Mardi Gras on the tele. I've had a lovely weekend - family, rest, garden, rest, shopping, pancakes and a new bright orange handbag. 😀 How's yours been hun? Hope you've had some fun.

Hey Lady S - how are you today? Sorry to hear about your family issues and I hope things have improved for you. Families are such a worry sometimes. And don't worry about posting about them here. That's what this thread's for - to share the dailyness of our travels with this thing.

Len mate - sorry I haven't responded earlier. Hope things have settled again for you. IT's such a cruel trade off isn't it. Get the medication right to ward off mania and feel bombed out, or reduce the dosage to stop feeling bombed about and get beset by mania. Not fair. Just stay safe my friend, that's the main thing hey?

Where's our Mallow? In case you're reading Mr Puff, you are missed. 🙃

Big hugs to you all

Kaz

xx

[velvetfaerie]

Thanks and hello Kaz... Dottie... Len.... Lady....

I hope you are all well.

I have hit rage point and I feel like I am loosing grip. Got called a psycho this am. I was provoked so I let rip. I was so messed up I was shaking like a leaf.

I am at work trying to function but unsure how well I will function.

I don't know what to do I feel so lost and pointless.

C.

[Lady_Stardust]

Thank you for all the supportive words, as always. It's always nice coming on here to see people who won't judge and are open to anything on the mind. ❤️

Chae, that's good work on dumping your boyfriend. Relationships are so difficult, and I can imagine (Miss Lonely here hasn't had a relationship before) that a breakup is just the worst. But it sound like it was a painful relationship that's best left. You don't fail at love, love. Be kind to yourself. Much love to your friend, too. And your not a psycho in the slightest. Don't let anyone make you think that. You are entitled to feel what you feel without people putting an insulting label on it.

Dottie, I honestly thought it was 'macaroni' at first too, hahaha! I'm going to go for a walk after I finish this message. Probably stay out for quite a while because I need to get away. New faces are good, and you never know, they may become your favourite faces. How are you doing?

I'm sorry to hear about the relationship both you and Chae have with your respective dads. It's really tough. Another bout of attitude from my dad has pushed me to go for that walk, so I guess I'm grateful in a twisted way. I asked a question about the washing and copped an attitude filled response. It was just a question about the washing. I don't know how to communicate with him, I really don't. Thank you for encouraging me to vent about him here, Kaz. How are you?

It's frustrating because, at the end of the day, I'm trying to get his approval. He only seems to point out when I'm doing something wrong. What I haven't done that I should have, what I should be eating, what I should be doing, etc.

Speaking of, I haven't eaten today. I don't really intend to until dinnertime. I don't view this as the beginnings of an eating disorder or anything. I just want to be thin.

Hope everyone has a good day (or their day much improves!), virtual hugs for those who want them. :3

[velvetfaerie]

Hi Lady,

**hug accepted and returned** 🙂

I am almost 38 and I fell my dad still doesn't approve of me. I understand where you are coming from. I shed a tear at your words about your dad because it rings true with me as well. I feel my shitty relationship with my dad has affected my relationships with men. OH that's some Dr Phil stuff right there LOL !

Enjoy you walk. I might do the same after work if the weather is accommodating..... Hope the weather is much more accommodating where you are.

You be kind to yourself as well Miss.

Relationships are also overrated. I blame myself a lot as I am the one who ends relationships. Mum told me not to beat myself up over it. I did what I had to do for my sake... and his. I have broken a couple of hearts the last 12 months and I have to stop it. I am not unscathed either.

Maybe one day we can all go walking and have post walks cups of tea and biccies !

Much healthier way to deal with emotional crud than my old ways.

C.

[Kazzl]

Morning Chae - mums know best hun, well, except when they don't, but it sounds to me like your mum's right. You were in an unworkable situation in that relationship in my opinion. There's big heaps of pain now, but I really do believe you'll be better off long term. Hold tight.

Hi to everyone - I've been up for ages and it's only six o'clock. A little lesson in being mindful when taking medication. I took an AD last night thinking it was another drug I was meant to take, consequently ... mildly manic. Woke up every hour and had vivid dreams for the rest of it. Fortunately it's a low dose. Ah well, I'll make the most of it and do some school work before work. Probably crash tonight. Such is this bipolar life.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Kaz

xx

[velvetfaerie]

Hey kaz

You'll have a fun day after a nights sleep like that! Not!I'm glad I'm sleeping but I'm not doing it without a bit of pharma help. I hope you'll get through the day and have a great sleep tonight.

I can rationalise this break up. I'm doing ok. My friend said yesterday I'm doing well. Was the only logical thing to do sadly. Thanks for your words Kaz 🙂 ... I'm very lucky I've lots of awesome friends and a mum who are there if I need. Sadly he doesn't but that's not my circus....

i hope y'all have a great day!!

**hugs***

my mood swings have been killer.... guess that's the bipolar life?

Chae

xx

[Lady_Stardust]

Chae - I'm sorry to have made you sad! And Dr. Phil indeed, but it'll probably be true for me when I get in a relationship. I really hope not, though. Speaking of, you'll no doubt find someone who is right for you, in time. It might take a while, but someday, and it'll be well worth the wait. Self-blame is something that can be hard to get past, but just remember your own words - you did what you had to do.

The weather was fine enough for a walk, but I doubt it'll be any good today. It's especially gloomy. A group walk would be the best. x3

Kaz, hope things are better for you now. That would have been a tough night. 😞

As for me, I am doing okay. Very tired today because I stayed up watching a movie. I just couldn't sleep. It's pretty cruel when you can't sleep so you stay up, and then the next day all you want to do is sleep but you again can't, and so the cycle repeats.

On the dad subject, he has been nice and calm towards me for the past couple days, so I've been feeling bad about how upset I get at him. This always happens: I get upset and angry, vent to someone about him, and then when everything returns to normal, I feel bad because I know he's deeply unwell and is his behaviour really his fault? But then I reason that I am entitled to my feelings. So it's just this back and forth and I don't even know.