This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Velvet,how are you coping besides the lack of sleep?

Has he contacted you after what you said to him?

I admire the way you said honestly how you feel.

if he said he was sorry and proved he had changed would you take him back?

More hugs

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Don’t know how I’m coping. Bad headache and utterly exhausted.

He seems to want to lay all the blame on me. Talks in circles. Gaslights. Plays victim.

I am not sure about taking him back. He seems to think he’s entitled to treat me like I don’t matter.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Velevet,

I don’t like always taking the blame. I had an ex that said it was part of my condition!! This made me want to kick him but that would only prove his theory.

Gaslighting, I didn’t know what it was till I read an article, and that was exactly what previous ex did and I felt like I was going mad and had began doubting myself.

Can you take a day or a few hours of work , or Will you be ok at work as it is a distraction.

Sorry V, I am worst person to give relationship help but I can hug and offer support.

Just from what you write on line I see you are so honest and give so much to others that it upsets me that someone does not see that and takes advantage of your openness.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Velvet,

I read her a lot but don't post, but felt I had to post to you Velvet, I'm a bit concerned by you being treated so badly by your b/f...I don't believe people change fo good, they may do so for a day or two but then they are back to their true self...

Velvet...I'm sorry I'm very passionate about people being treated badly by another person...Please velvet remember and know that you are entitled to full respect, care and love without a second thought...You deserve nothing less from anyone, especially from your b/f who should be their to protect, Love and care for you....

Please take good care of yourselves...xxx

Grandy..

[velvetfaerie]

Quirky my friend - I’m in bed with the heater and a coffee. No work again today. I just can’t face anything atm. Driving so tired isn’t good either.

I’m not angel but I am very self aware.

I’m so honest. Sometimes I regret it.

Hugs and chocolate for all!

Hi Grandy, how nice to meet you and your kind kind words. You’re right though. And in my life most of my relationships ended due to various abuse types / cheating / psychological abuse. Etc.

I don’t like bullies either. The bf has endured a lot and still is, however I’m not the enemy. His mums very demanding of him. He’s halfway through financial settlement. Seems his spiteful nasty ex has started to behave though. I can see why she’s damaged goods tbh.

V.

[Tams20]

Hi Velvet (and everyone else reading),

What a pity that your good mood re: your awesome review (congrats, by the way!) was ruined by your bf's behaviour. My husband gaslights me sometimes too. He regularly says nasty (and quite franky ridiculous) things to me, sometimes just to bait me into an argument, other times just to be cruel (I'm working from home today and he is literally doing it to me as I type). I just tell myself it's his problem - he has the insecurities, the petty jealousies, the self-pity. He tries to put me down to make himself feel better and the fact that I know why he is doing it helps me to ignore it. The worst is when he does it in front of the kids, because eventually they will end up treating me with the same lack of respect. I told him the other day, "say what you like to me, I don't care what you think, but don't do it in front of the kids". So I can relate to that type of behaviour. If he had done it before we were married would probably have dumped him. But I have two lovely kids so there's a positive!

I can also relate to the friend thing, I'm struggling with friendships at the moment (I always have). I'm not letting it get me down though - I'm telling myself that they have their own struggles to work through and are busy with their families, work etc. I'm telling myself it's not me, and trying not to be so sensitive. Not easy, but I'm managing so far!

(oh and BTW, I also used to play bass guitar and keys, plus pretty basic drums - I was better on the guitar though! Was almost in a girl band but we couldn't find a female drummer so my brother had to play. Fun times - I miss it)

Tams

[velvetfaerie]

TAMS - nail / head right there!! His Insecurities, self pity are RAMPANT through our fights. It’s like he’s fishing for sympathy to get me to fold, when he knows he’s stuffed up.

Everything is spot on. I suspect my bf learnt his behaviour from his relationship with his ex.

Re kids - agree. Sadly his ex plays games with him using the kids. His mum demands a lot from him too so it seems. Then there’s me, gets the shell that’s left after. Just sick of constantly being last and always carrying the relationship.

Wish I could sleep. ☹️

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading and thinking.

I feel that people with mental illness have a greater capacity for empathy and compassion for others, just my own theory and you wonderful people here prove it for me.

Grandy, I agree I don't like people being mistreated . Thanks for your post, I always welcome your kind wise words.

V, in bed with a heater and chocolate sounds great. I think being self aware is a very good trait.

Tams, I know you know it is your husband's problem and so that helps you ignore it, it still no right you have to put up with it. Does he do it when he is more stressed or at certain times of year or day?

The art of friendship is a topic that is often on this forum. Friends can a be a blessing and a burden.

Be kind to yourselves as I know you are already kind to others.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I have to ask, do you guys find it hard to cope with high emotions because of being bipolar?

[quirkywords]

I have to ask, do you guys find it hard to cope with high emotions because of being bipolar?

I would say yes but I have wondered do I have high emotions and feel things so deeply because I have bipolar or do I have bipolar because I have high intensively felt emotions and are very sensitive.

Can anyone answer or relate?

Quirky