This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Loula !

I am bored with almost everything plus I feel alone. So absolutely yes. I want to run away. With my relationship, its going very well, but I have been stupidly comparing myself with him vs his past. I feel we are not making our own memories. I feel I am the replacement. I feel I am not good enough. He and they, (kids, ex etc), are from up there, i am the fun one, (when not bummed out), from down there. Not a princess and very much a down to earth girl.

My psychologist said very similar re high standards - I have relentless standards, (for myself). Like nothing is enough and i have to keep aiming high with everything. I am the same regarding pushing myself yes. I push and push and push until FLOP..... then I climb up and go the same game again. Maybe its a Bi polar thing.

I have been at my workplace for 11 years. My current boss is overseeing a position while another lady is on maternity leave. I think my current stand in boss is very intuitive, educated and non judgemental. Her life experience definitely may come to play here.

Another ex colleague, no dummy as she is a professor in her field, she said to me once, "you don't have depression at all. These guys don't know anything nor have they asked, they have assumed!!" So to her I climbed out of the bipolar closet, which in turn helped her with a friend of hers with it.

V.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Velvet and Loula have asked and answered many interesting questions and discussed relevant topics.

Loula, I have heard that people with bipolar often are overachievers, maybe I am the exception that makes the rule. I have often been called and under achiever especially at school and that I never achieved my potential in life. I suppose I used to blame bipolar for me not achieving what I wanted to.

I am not sure that makes sense.

I used to think about getting away , and starting my life anew with a different name!

The good thing about being one owns boss is that I have an understanding boss, most of the time.

Velvet, I am glad your stand in boss is understanding .

I sometimes think my partner had a much more exciting life with his first wife, because they travelled a lot and met lots of famous people with his work .

I think wanting to escape one's life and finding things boring and wanting a change is something I am sure many can relate to.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I know i could have done much more with my life had I had focused and not been more interested in party party party. I am trying to make up for it now. Kind of.

Today is a total calorie fest - pizza and chocolate. I can see a big exercise fest in my future this afternoon !

[quirkywords]

Hello readers and posters,

V, I wish I had done more party party instead of worry worry worry.

I was so easily distracted so I would start new projects and then reject them just as quickly.

Here is a thought why cant pizza and chocolate be medicinal?

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Pizza and chocolate is totally medicinal ..... for me.... atm...

I have been so upset and down etc my monthly lady time is a week early.

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

velvet,

medicinal food, I wonder what other food they find helpful.

mangoes, mandarins .

I thought when my monthly time stopped I would be calmer but I am still waiting.

TMI as my children say to me!

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Mmmm mangoes. Lol at TMI.

i went for a walk and had three delinquents demand my money / bag. They copped two weeks of pent up bi polar rage. They ran like cowards. Absolute cowards. I’m ok. After a hard gym class etc I’m still shaking with absolute pure rage.

[Loula]

Hi Velvetfaerie I have a healthy relationship with my husband but I feel board in it at times. Like I feel like we are not living. I also feel like I’m holding him back!!!! Dose that make sense?

My psychologist said to look up a list of successful people with bipolar and it will be long list of high achievers who made it. She said it’s one of our greatest qualities except if we don’t know how to use it correctly then it turns sour.

Thats really good you have been in the same work place for 11 years.

Qurikywords do you think you might not be an underachiever but had to many goals you couldn’t follow through? I was like that in high school. My teachers even told me to leave as they thought I wouldn’t make it. Like my brain was to scattered. Because look at your self you own your own business. That’s high achieving!!!!!!

I honestly think with bipolar we get regrets easier. I have so many and they stay with me. Is that the same with you guys?

Mmmmmm PIZZA!!!!! Can I have some?

[velvetfaerie]

I think the only reason I am still here after 11 years is because they can't legally sack people will illnesses. Being the large high flying university I work for, they don't want that coming out in the media. Because I would have taken them fully to task over it.

I have many regrets. I try not to dwell but sometimes they resurface and bite a little.

Today I am exhausted. I am truly sick of bullies. I am sick of the entitlement people have. I am sick of the "omg I am offended" mentality people have adopted. I am sick of helping everyone who won't help themselves. I am sick of marginalisation. I am sick of the over use of political correctness, (it has its merits in many places but SHEESH). I am sick of bigotry. I am sick of double standards.

I just wish society would GROW UP/WAKE UP and remove their heads....... I see a futuristic dystopia coming.

Today I am hitting rock bottom. I am about to break. I think I will do what I can at work then leave. I can't today.

[quirkywords]

hello everyone,

V-who needs martial arts when you have pent up bipolar rage!!

Loula

Thanks for your kind words , but my shop does not make much money but I like it.

I was very distracted when a student but with other plans but with how to get out of school as when I was high I knew more than the teachers so why bother with school!!

I used to have so many regrets but as you age they are not worth it

if there is something you wish you had done, do it,

if there is something you wish you had not done, apologise and move on.

can write those things but putting them into practise is harder.

I wished I had been an academic, don't laugh V, but then I realised I never wanted that but my parents did and in the end my bipolar stopped me from that career or I let it.

V, sorry you are hitting rock bottom, I hope you have soft place to land.

I too am sick of double standards and bigotry.

Quirky