This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Hi Velvet,

I can definitley relate to how you are feeling at the moment. I’ve been to struggle town several times in the past few months - and no doubt will be there again soon. But every time I come out of it I realise those thoughts just aren’t true. My perspective was wrong because I wasn’t well. Not seeing things for how they actually are.

So yes, leave work early! Enjoy the movie tonight and your ‘me’ things over the weekend 😊

Tams

[velvetfaerie]

I feel silly feeling the way I do. No good reason.

I want SUNSHINE... soon. It will be soon.

V.

[Airies]

No need to feel silly. We're ok it's the other 90% of normal people who are the problem.Not a fan of Winter, but having said that went for a walk, sun was out and the birds were chirping. For once I didn't get caught in the rain. Starting to excercise again. I need it, badly to relax, sleep ok and not feel uptight. It's one day at a time, one moment at a time. I struggle at the day's end. I either singing like really loud, ( stuff the neighbours) and they know I'm loopy or completely pooped. Sunshine please hang around

cheers

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone, especially people reading this thread for the first time,

Loula,

Well done, when did you start back. I think your idea of staying in your Om all weekend sounds a sensible idea.

How are you feeling besides being so tired.

Velvet, I think you sound very sensible, bring back the sunshine.

Tams,

Isn't it annoying that we have to come out of struggle town to realise that our thoughts were distorted.

Aries,

Good luck with the exercise. I am only allowed to sing in the bathroom when the house is empty!!

I like summer too, but I can still be low in summer, makes no difference.

Quirky

[Loula]

I love all seasons, I love winter due to the fashion, the yummy soups and it’s whale season! I love summer to because laying on the beach and just that warmth feeling and swimming with turtles and sharks!

I hate the feeling of being down. It’s not nice. You feel isolated and alone but your not but in your head you are. It’s strange. I hate how it takes up so much energy to do anything. I to when I’m down feel like an outsider. I literally feel like I’m in space watching earth and people live there life and I’m just floating going arrrgghh move in the right direction. Do something. But as we all know it just needs to run it’s course and it dose life. We all know it changes as we all have been through it. It just sucks being in the storm. Sucks big time.

I started back on Tuesday. I cried everyday. I had to do the you can do this talk 24/7 and I snapped at staff members and actually reported them. Not really a me thing to do. I’m feeling really exposed at the moment. Like an open book. A way a person looks at me is making me upset. It’s annoying and scary as I’m scared I’m going to get sicker again and need more time off. I got a massive week coming this week and I’m so nervous about it. My psychologist is seeing me tomorrow to give me tips to deal with it as it’s going to be huge and big chances of me melting down and I’m going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow as well and see what he thinks I should do.

Like part of me feels like a failure and I should quit my job and focus on my health but then my health will never be healthy you know what I mean. Like am I strong enough to have bipolar and work full time in a demanding job or should I get a less demanding job. But then I need to push myself. I need to keep out doing myself and learning.

and I’m really annoyed because my anxiety has come back. Dose anyone else suffer with anxiety? Do you find it comes aggressively after a Bipolar episode?

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone.

Loula, thanks for your post. You write so well and so clearly about how you feel. I hope it helps you to write down your thoughts. It helps me as I can relate to much of what you write.

I found with my children I could not work full time as it would make me too tired. Then I started my shop and I work every day but it is so different as I can work shorter hours and take time off if I want to.

I understand that you will always have health issues and that you do like your job. Sometimes is hard to know about a less demanding job, because I feel for some of us having the structure of a job helps us.

Is it a massive week because of how you are feeling or because of the work involved or both?

I am glad you are seeing your psychiatrist tomorrow.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Well I’m on a downward spiral today. Had to catch a 6am flight for work after a bad night’s sleep, so I’m exhausted and have had way too much caffeine. Felt the slide starting yesterday but as it made me productive at work and I have a deadline to hit I thought I’d ride the wave.

But today I am on a bit of a rampage. I have deliberately upset a friend - started getting annoyed with her yesterday and today I’d just had enough. One of those friends where I have to make 99% of the effort and if I don’t things seem to fall over. We were exchanging messages this morning and it started getting worse and worse and I was enjoying pushing her - because who needs a friend like that hey? Anyway her last message to me comprised two words rhyming with ‘duck blue’. I think I’ve really done it this time. But I don’t think I care, it’s all too hard for me. I’m not up to the challenge. She needs friends that are resilient and can put up with her apparent disinterest and self-centredness and that’s not me. I have times when I’m over-sensitive and get annoyed at things and I need my friends to be supportive and let me know when I’m crossing the line, not tell me to eff off.

At least I’m doing well at work today! Hopefully I can get through it without destroying any more relationships. But, you know, when people deserve it....

It’s trainwreck time!!

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams,

I am glad you are doing well at work today. I suppose I didn't have a mobile phone when I was liable to say what I thought . You seem to be aware of what you need to in a friend.

I hope the day improves and the train is stopped before any wrecking can take place!

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Tams,

Oh I know that feeling. The rampage, the sick of peoples selfish BS. The unbalanced relationship efforts.

I have told many of mine lately not to expect me to jump when they need help anymore, because just being a friend for them is too much hard work. Like the simple things. Coffee catch ups. Meh whatever.

Trainwreck time. HEH.

I am going to wag gym tonight. BAD ME! I need a rest. And it is last night before man thing flies back to work. AHHHH the serenity.

V.

[Loula]

I don’t know if it’s a bad thing but I love a big rampage when I’m mad. It gets all my feelings out. I just attack like a shark. I was in the same boat as you Tams you will really start to see who your friends are. It can be a difficult time but in the end it’s worth it because your left with yes a small amount of friends but these ones really love you and that’s the best.

Be careful when txt online fighting. I know me it can be draing and take away energy and plus you can’t see people’s expressions and really understand what they are saying. Well that’s something my husband tells me 24-7 because I get insane about it.

I’m stressed about my health and work mixed. It’s an extremely hard week. Doing around 50 hours eep and I’m still feeling open and exposed. I’m just scared I’m going to take a step back.

My doxtor says I’m way to hard on my self and I need to learn to love myself. But how can I love myself if I feel defective? And she says to stop putting pressure on myself but all I know is to strive for perfection. I came from an abusive home and had to stand strong and not become them and prove to my teachers and class mates and there parents I’m not a troubled child and worthy and can make it in life. Like this is all I know.