This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

Gosh, hypomania is tiring. This whole disorder is tiring. I’ve just cleaned out my pantry, I know I hypomanic when I do that. For me, it’s not perfectionist thing. If it was I would do it well. I do and it’s like a blindness thing, I have to do it. Yet, I can’t see the things in front of me. At the same time, I’m cooking something in the oven. Then decide another thing can go in the oven. If any psychology students want to see what it looks like, it’s blind chaos. My decision making goes out the window. I’m not doing things that can harm anyone, it’s purely harmful for myself. Blergh. 

this morning I couldn’t even form my thoughts properly. I come across as silly. It’s embarrassing. 

[velvetfaerie]

A manager at my work, who I have battled with on and off over the years, seems to lack self-awareness. She behaves in ways that feel cold and unsupportive, demeaning, controlling, micromanaging, and treating others as if they’re beneath her (unless it’s her boss).

It is absolutely hilarious that she has no idea why her child is having serious issues, why their dog needs medication, and why her partner is a nervous wreck. Said child and her mother battle daily, in extreme ways. Apparently, the child may have defiance disorder. I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the stress at home. I really relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed.

I told my new boss to keep her away from me or a formal complaint about her covert bullying will be made to SafeWork with evidence. Psychosocial risks are legislated now!!!

[Airies]

Can tell completely. I’m often known to walk back and forth when gardening, leaving things behind and then focusing on one thing and forgetting the rest. I live in a constant state of irritation and as a result tend to drop the f bomb. I was never like this as a teen, and my working career. I was so controlled.

[asdff]

Airies, I’ve always been irritable and angry. So much so that kids would wind me up to see me explode. 

[velvetfaerie]

I understand. I am getting sick and tired of being accused of petty things by strangers with zero evidence. This is making me cranky.

The best bit is when people don't understand Australian phrases and accuse you of something so unrelated to the phrase it's laughable!!!!

[velvetfaerie]

Not one government entity, subsidiary or funded NPO has transparency. None. Not one. Yet they have the audacity to publicly claim they do. Absolute filth.

[Airies]

Just a shouting to Quirky. Are you ok?

[quirkywords]

Aries I am technically computer changed and keep having problems signing in.

i am catching up on posts. I am having  at home and travelling by train bus or car. I am turned a lot.
I am not depressed just exhausted. I am ok. I am easily irritated and impatient at times. 
Asdff when I am manic I don’t tidy up I just don’t see my clutter.   Elvet you are strong and so self aware.
Aries are you impatient. 

[quirkywords]

Sorry for typos and not making sense. I wish we had an edit key so I can edit my reply as I only see typos after sending reply!,,

recap. I am technically challenged. 
I have trouble at home no support or understanding and difficulty travelling by train bus or car due to collywobbles.

I am not turned a lot I am tired a lot!!!!

Velvet Aries and Asdff thanks for putting up with my typos and lazy editing.

.

[Airies]

Quirky, no problems at all , typos and all.Yes it doesn’t take much to upset my apple cart. I’ve only a half a dozen things to tick off each day and struggle and get peeved off when I can’t. Driving, iPad keyboard or changes to my routine either planned or unplanned include those as well. I get fixated on things, the need to buy things on impulse.