This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

velvetfaerie

My comment wasn't about you asdff ..... just saying.

Given it now feels like I can't vent here without people taking it personally...

Catch ya later

asdff

That’s cool Velvet. I’m just a sensitive soul. Vent all you want, that’s part of what this place this about and supporting one another.

My comment was meant to say realise. Does anyone else write online or with pen and paper and miss words out? My brain goes too fast most of the time and if I don’t proofread I miss words out.

I am on here later in the evening as I feel nauseous again. I can sometimes keep it at bay by eating.

quirkywords

Velvet

I have made bad choices in relationships mainly I chose the wrong partner, my self esteem was so slow I would take the first man who showed an interest in me. I used to say I put more time into studying what I wanted for lunch than in choose a long term partner. Your posts make a lot of sense to me.
Asdff I make heaps of typos am queen of typos.
Aries how are you feeling?

velvetfaerie

I am sick of working full-time for stuff all. To be barely able to eat properly.

I am sick of having to commute up to 2hrs one way. I am sick of having to also do everything on my own.

I am sick of no one being there when I need help.

My days start at 4am. It's now 6pm and I have barely been able to stop to have water and food.

I won't be able to stop until I fix the headlights on my car and who's able to help? NO ONE.

I HATE what this greedy society has become !!!!

quirkywords

velvet

I feel the tiredness and frustration in your words, I want to shout out how fair the things you have to deal with daily.
I admire you and am amazed at how much you deal with each day and that you still keep going.

velvetfaerie

Up by the bootstraps and off I go.........

velvetfaerie

I have put my foot down. My parents, well my mother, is going to finally discuss assistance in the home for them with me.

I've learnt about things in the interim.

Basically they'll be means tested by the government and will have to pay for it.

So, I said I will absolutely not work full-time, and care for you part time. I simply cannot manage that physically or mentally or financially. You either negotiate fairly or not at all and you're on your own.

Why have a heap of wealth if you won't have it help you now? That is what it is for!!!

I'm proud of me. I articulated like an adult and I had educated myself prior regarding what is available to them. I won't budge either.

There are many issues, but simply, dad is a selfish & abusive you know what.

I have some hope my mother pulls rank on him and lays down the law when needed. Stay tuned hahahaha.

I am so angry I tell ya. Now I see why my extended family have nothing to do with that house!!!!

quirkywords

Velvet

I am pleased you have put your foot down and explained to your mother that needs to discuss with you how to app,y for home assistance.

velvetfaerie

My purpose is to help others but when I'm begging for some help myself I'm ignored.

quirkywords

I relate to that velvet. I was told I was I oversharing when I try to explain why I was slower at walking than I used to be. I try to help others.