This bipolar life
Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.
Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.
Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.
Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.
Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope
Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.
Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.
I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!
Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.
So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.
I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!
Yeh. It's friends too. Same old same old.
At work I was about to do a not very glamorous job. A manager came in and interrupted a phone call to say she was bringing people in right at that time. She had been meaning to tell me all week.
I said "ok. I hope they don't mind but I will be doing xyz."
"Oh ok we will wait outside."
So they did and I took my sweet time. I also made sure to elicit as much bad smell as I could ensuring it lingered for them.
I do hope it was enjoyable.
Hehe. I can play too. I generally don't see the value in being catty. I'm up front and many people don't like that. They prefer to hide behind games and manipulation.
I'm making Mexican for dinner. Going to have a long sleep hopefully and then have a big day of being selfish and doing things for myself.
And the dog. Ahhah.
Yes. My silly mistakes is putting others first, myself last and hoping one day I'll be important for them. Wrong.
Saturday. 5.30am until 8pm I was non stop doing chores and things. I did do a gym class for me though. Then the weekdays are all full on too.
I'm over it. I tried to talk to a manager Friday who just looked at me and smiled with a look that suggested who cares. Clearly not her. She has her huge wage, perks, flexible hours to accommodate her motherhood and husband slave at the workplace too. She doesn't care.
I really have a huge dislike for the egotistical and entitled females in power positions at work acting like us plebs are there for their benefit.
I hope my workplace sinks and hits the media again about its lack of transparency and corrupt practices.
I really do.
And leaving? I've looked for other jobs on par and they pay 30k a year less.
This is why people won't apply for jobs. Employers are sooking because their wages are a joke now. Covid is the excuse. What a load.
They want 10 years experience, all relevant and desirable qualifications and want to pay rock bottom. You'd earn more working at a fast food restaurant.
My relevant union is really stretched due to various employers in this realm being really deceptive to staff.
I have to ride it out. It's hard with zero support from friends and family. I have to support them but also myself.
I ate a bowl of fruit. I'm now watching TV. The dog isn't impressed. I haven't walked him today yet. I woke up this morning so worn out I felt faint/dizzy. I'm hoping the fruit pile helps a bit. I've been pretty lazy with food for a while.
We will go outside in the sun when it's within his temperature tolerance range.