This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

They suck. Where are they when you need them? Even if a cuppa and a chat?

People disgust me. They do. I am sorry they did that to you 😞

[quirkywords]

Velvet I think people feel so caught up in their own problems they forget there are others hurting to.

You are a kind person and care about others but many find that hard.

[velvetfaerie]

Very true.

Yeh. But I've been burnt so many times. I'm becoming apathetic.

[quirkywords]

I used to think that I had stopped caring for those who hurt me but I still reach out even by text and then wonder why I do.

[velvetfaerie]

I do the same, don't worry. It is the innate people pleaser I am. I said to one friend the other day "it is sad when friends who used to talk daily now don't talk at all."

People are self aware enough to blame things, but if you are that aware, you know what the deal is and you can address it.

I am not sleeping much. Still. It sucks.

[Lisa611]

Saw my psych yesterday. He took the time to really explain to me what was going on with my brain. I told him that I feel flawed. He told me that nothing was wrong with my personality and reinforced that it was a chemical imbalance. I was really glad that he took the time to explain it in simple terms. Sometimes I find it hard to get my head around this condition. I told him it's exhausting being in my head all the time. Mental illness can be so complicated. He said to take the 5 weeks off. I will do what he says. My room mate and I are getting on well.

Hope everyone is travelling along ok.

[quirkywords]

How is every one now it is winter.

Lisa how are you going.? Are you finding your stay helpful.?

Asdff are you busy as us usual.? Do you ever get time for yourself.?

Aries , I know you do t like the colder months,how are you coping.?

Velvet, as someone who always has little sleep I can relate, it I suppose I have accepted that now. Hope you get more sleep soon.

All those who read and don’t post how are you?

h

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Lisa! Nice to hear from you! Glad it is going well. You reminded me, I have to ask the Psych again if they got my referral. If again they didn't I will take matters into my own hands. Seems seeing specialists is only for the privileged.

I got some sleep last night. Simple medicine. I have been unwell as well... And frankly I don't care who at work I have infected. I hate them right now.

[quirkywords]

Lisa

thanks for your post. Glad your pysch explained things to you. I relate to it be exhausting in my head a lot of the time. Hopefully the 5 weeks will give you time and space to feel better.
Your job as a high school teacher would be difficult fir anyone let alone when you have bipolar. I think you are amazing.

[velvetfaerie]

School teachers have a lot to take on. I admire their grit!

After decades of bullying, through jobs, service providers, friends, I am so broken this am. I have been dissmissed, not heard, made to feel like an idiot who knows nothing.

I am so over it. I hate everything right now.