This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Velvet

I am sure child was glad to be listened to and not talked st or down to .

Your people skills will help her.

[velvetfaerie]

Funniest thing was man thing saying stuff he finds a little frustrating about child to me away from her ears.

Every time I had to say it.... "apple / tree".

It's funny because it's true.

I didn't fall far from my parental tree either.

She really has no confidence either. Age. Circumstances. Genes. Society. Social media. I expressly said I don't want this house to be a place of stifled expression... communication is important. Feeling comfortable and safe is important.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend so far.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

a home that does not stifle expression is really helpful if everyone is really acknowledged and listened to.
I think the child is lucky to have you in her life and younger quirky would have liked someone to really listen to her.

[velvetfaerie]

I tried and failed. I was not included in any outing... not invited I mean. I made space and provided furniture and stepped back for them to do their thing... I was actively excluded. I came home from the gym as they were leaving. No message. They went shopping fair enough and I hate shopping. But maybe we could have have lunch together.

I spent all morning crying. I hate this. I told them they're all a bunch of hurtful entitled thoughtless so and so's.

[quirkywords]

Velvet that is so unfair to be treated this way.

I am sorry you were crying it seems so thoughtless.

You try so hard but don’t seem to respect you.

sending a hug and hope you are ok.

[velvetfaerie]

Sigh. Thank you. I'll pull rank if I need to. For now pffft that child. I suspect her mother is behind it all anyway.

Toxic is toxic.

[quirkywords]

Does anyone else like me keep on getting mad at themselves for mistakes they made years ago?

Sure I learnt from mistakes but I still can’t forgive myself.

[velvetfaerie]

I believe lettting go is the key, and forgiving yourself and others if needed. It really lifts a weight from your shoulders. Having watched what this kind of toxicity does to others and the self.... It eats you up and will destroy others too. I am a casualty of war where 2 people haven't let go / forgiven at all, 14 years later. Being caught in the cross fire is no fun so I will be firing my own shots now.

MONDAYYYYY yay. I had chocolate for breakfast. 😄

I hope it rains a little heavy today, my car needs a wash AHAHA.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

that is so true being caught up in another’s toxicity and being caught between people who won’t forget themselves or others.
I know people say they have let go and forgiven but have not at all. It does destroy so many people with bitterness and anger.

[velvetfaerie]

And it is important to forgive ones self for mistakes made. I made a huge mistake last year. Made peace with myself and those it affected. I think thats the start, from the self.

Philosophical and sleep deprived haha.

Some people never reflect and own their mistakes. I can't handle that kind of arrogance.

I wish my coffee was stonger. 😞