This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Lisa611]

There is nothing wrong with being different. I guess everyone on here is in some way different to the norm we are all trying to live with MH issues especially bipolar. I haven't disclosed having bipolar at my work place I try to project a "normal" exterior which is why it's so taxing getting through the day. I think if I told them they would look at me differently. All I have told them is that I'm suffering from depression. My boss asked me if I wanted time off. I said no but struggled at the end of the term. I took days off cause I just couldn't face being there. I'm hoping that I can hold it together better this term.

[velvetfaerie]

Yeh. I here you. It does get taxing pretending to be "normal". These guys know I have issues but I have never told them what exactly. They all have preconcieved ideas of what bipolar looks like and other such mood and personality disorders. They are really quite ignorant. Yes I have mentioned depression around here at work, and anxiety. Easier for their small minds to handle.

I don't look or act my age either. I am very emotional and reactive. I have pulled those traits in somewhat over the years and only let go in private, unless I am pushed.

We have MH first aid courses at work which I find a joke. It is merely ticking a bocx presenting proactivity to the outside world with no serious application in the workplace.

I am looking foward to more sunshine this afternoon after work. Yesterdays was fantastic.

[quirkywords]

I like that I am different but I know my children wished I dressed like other grandmas do!!

I remember Billy Connolly once said what a boring world it would be if everyone had a beige personality.

Anna, Just thinking about how you are going. take care.

[velvetfaerie]

Dare I say we're all eccentric!!!

[Lisa611]

Airies - I haven't tried vaping. I know some of the kids at school have been caught doing it. You sound really attached to your dog. It sounds like you have had him for a long time. He would keep you company throughout the day. I have had pets in the past but don't have any now. I don't want the responsibility. One daughter has taken the cat and the other daughter takes care of the dog. You've also seen a bit of the world. I've also been on a South Pacific cruise. I've never been to Adelaide don't they say it's the city of churches? I've been to the Murray. We stayed at the Yarrawonga Golf course there. It was really nice.

Quirky you sound like a fun grandmother. I'm sure secretly your kids would like the fact that you're different. I would have loved a grandmother like you.

V- my work place also has all the right policies but I'm not sure what this would really look like in practice. People's misconceptions and the stigma of having MH issues worries me. I know things have improved alot but I don't think you can escape people judging you and the perception of those with bipolar isn't really positive.

Anna - I hope you have had an okay day and that your meds are getting sorted.

[Xanna]

Hi guys,

Sorry went awol... got worse...

..well we worked out I was withdrawing quite severely from the AP they cut me off from... which also happened to be what was melting my brain so to speak...

so now I’m in ED waiting for a psych assessment to work out this diagnosis and help me through the withdrawal...

mum has flown in from Perth and hubby and in-laws are looking after the little guy...

not how I planned for my life to go but here we are... only way is up I guess.

fyi not going back to that psychiatrist...

thanks for checking in.

hope my next post is me telling you all how great I feel and I’ve found the light again. Or at least a glimmer of it.

AxA

[velvetfaerie]

Keeping you in my thoughts Anna.

V.

[quirkywords]

Anna

sorry things are not going as planned. I hope your medications are sorted out soon.

Thank you for keeping in touch. I do hope you get the medical support you need.

I am glad your family are supporting you.

it sometimes takes time and when you have a young child or children it is so emotional .

I remember when it took me till 3 pm to take my children to the park. I was pushing my child on the swing while the others played nearby , crying and wondering would I ever be the mum I wanted to be.
I hope you can see that glimmer of hope that something will change.

you are caring mum and are trying your hardest to get well. We are all here supporting you.

[Xanna]

Xx I don’t even know you all but these words mean so much more than I could ever truly explain xx

thank you for being here during what is possibly the hardest experience of my life

x

[Xanna]

Quirky,

thank you so much for welcoming me without any judgement.

Thank you also for being honest and candid, as your experience as a mum resonated with me so much for the last few (or more) months.

as I lie in short stay in ED for the night, waiting for a bed at PUPA in the morning I’ll continue to read through the thread and find hope and solace in all your posts and experiences.

thanks all again for sharing and providing a safe space. (My husband also thanks you all)

AxA