This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi all,

Too right Quirky. Moods can for me come like a cold shower instantly. It's like a chemical reaction.

Over the years I've identified some triggers for me. Being told off by my wife is one, when often she declares she isn't angry. I also know the origin, my mothers yelling and unreasonable (unfair) discipline techniques. The best example of many is when I didn't make my bed on a Saturday. I was 8yo. My dad was at work. Mother yelled and screamed and I jumped a metre into the air. Made my bed and thought that was that. 10 hours later dad drove up the driveway and by the time he got to the front door mother had crocodile tears. "What's up love"..."Tony, he didn't make his bed this morning and has been heel for me to deal with all day".... Whack!!, my dad, a beautiful man till the day he died was sadly, easily led.

So we got punished twice for things we did wrong.

Now, my wife understands but in the early years of our marriage (married 7 years but known each other 30 years) these bipolar mood swings were really hard to deal with. It's not like I can turn a switch and be without them. Now, its good. Just yesterday she raised her voice and I went into that mood. Turns out she raised her voice to get past the water pouring into a bucket!!

So for us the remedy is for me not to expect her to change eg raising her voice when she gets angry, but to reach out a little after the conflict and quietly chat about it. Then it can be over within an hour...the best I can hope for.

Tony WK

[Issi]

Tony WK

I have the mood swings but often don’t know the triggers. When I work out what triggered me it is often days or weeks later and when I try to talk about it, my family have no idea that I felt the way I did or it was because of their actions.

I just wish I realised at the time why I was feeling the way I was.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Issi,

do you ever write down all your moods in a diary or journal. ? This may give you more understanding of the triggers.

Tony,

thanks for your helpful advice.

Quirky

[Issi]

Quirky

I have tried but it’s hard to put into words as it just feels like “ Bugh” so it’s hard to describe, but I will try,

Issi

[quirkywords]

It is so hard to describe my moods and their changes at times. I envy people in the depth of despair who can express themselves so easily and creatively, not me. So I can relate Issi.

quirky

[Loula]

Thankyou for the reply. It just sucks because I literally though haha bipolar I have you under control. You no longer control me but I now realise the medication is just literally a bandaid and it 100% will always be in control and can be mean when it wants to.My husband knows I’m close to self harming and doctor.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

gave up years ago trying to control bipolar but I respect it and do my best to saty well and stop fighting. it odes not work.

can feel your pain.

We are here for you. You have a come a long way and I really admire your spirit.

Keep in touch

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Kazzl,

I know you started this post a long time ago, but I just read your elevator analogy for your mood changes and I couldn’t believe how much it resonated with me!

My doctor has just referred me to a psychiatrist to be assessed for Bipolar 2 so hopefully I will learn to control the extremes a bit better, although I have been living with this for so long I’m sure my existing coping strategies are already pretty good. Just need to install some buttons in that elevator and slow it down a little!

Thanks for describing it so well.

Tams

[quirkywords]

Tams

Welcome to this thread. That post by Kazzl is very helpful.

have been living with a bipolar diagnosis for over 40 years and I am still learning the balance.

his is a place to come and be yourself and to talk without needing to explain.Let us know how you are going and what the doctor says.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hello again Quirky 😊,

I am still a bit shocked at the idea that I might be bipolar, but the more I read up on it, including reading through this thread, the more I think my doc could be right.

I do think that I am ‘high functioning’ and could possibly manage quite well without meds (have been doing so for nearly 43 years!) if I can learn to read my moods, but it will be interesting to see what the psych says. Am currently in a ‘holding pattern’ of an SSRI (which has made me worse!) and an anti-psychotic (which zones me out) both low doses but they don’t make me feel great... am looking forward to speaking to the psych about something that works a bit better.

Am looking forward to further posts on this thread. Glad I stumbled across it!

Tams