This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Airies]

Thanks for getting back to me Kazzl,

been reflecting on the year just gone and where I'm at now. I've made progress and the time between my visits to my mental health nurse are filled with more and more normality.im bring kind to myself and along the way learning much about what makes me tick. God it's only taken 53 years but I'm still learning.Stopped logging via my mood diary. 99% of the time I'm hyper.. Maybe 90%. I'm realising the corolation between fresh air, excercise, sound sleep , diet to a degree which is not to good at the moment but I can pencil plans in my head in the not to distant future.Tony you are right time is an incredible healer. It's only now that I'm a semblance of my normal self. I'm now easing off my Prns meds, I accept the health issues Namelly weight gain as a side effect of the meds , but that's something I can work on.Its taken numerous hospital admissions, lots of couselling , a few close calls, luck,a loving wife and children, being here, my little dog and the resilience that we can muster time and time again when the chips are down. I was in a dark, dangerous place for a long time. A lot of it has been forgotten. I guess thats our bodies/brains protective mechanisms. I'm not out of the woods yet. I don't think I will ever be but I know I've got various treatment options and supports when and if the going gets tough.i don't think I will be around in my 80s but then again I might surprise myself. I have found out who my friends are. I only had a couple to begin with and have distanced myself from those who I just don't need in my life. I'm not as sensitive as I once was to criticism and I know I will be a work in progress until the day I cark it. It's only now that I'm beginning to sleep through. I don't have as many work nightmares anymore, the uniform and service awards are locked away. I knew I suffered from depression, diagnosed with ADHD years ago and medicated for...I once went to buy some shoes and come back with a car but being diagnosed with Bipolar type 1 and borderline personality disorder and reading up as much as my tiny head can digest is of benefit. Posting here and spending many an hour here reading of our continuing struggles here has been beneficial.im not one for social media but this is different. It's been one hell of a year, one hell of a learning curb but as long as I'm a better person, within myself, a better husband and father well what can I say. Its worth soldiering on. Hugs alround -hope I help:)

[Airies]

Very unpredictable though. Even the sufferer can't know how they will feel in a few hours time.

Tony one can say life with us is never dull.I shouldn't make light of the effects it has on those around us. I hate the mood shifts, the way I can snap but hopefully in time with reprogramming the brain I can change. It's all baby steps. I can change for the better, it's a matter of wanting too, being well enough to do so, accepting that there will be some rough days but also sunny days ahead.i bet your mini foxy keeps you amused.My little boy is spoilt rotten but also one of the best medicines around.Looking forward to SpringSummer and long long walks along the beach

cheers Len

[Airies]

A therapist not too long ago said to me

I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix you but I can't. That was when I was at my lowest point. I also had a psych nurse saying that I was extremely selfish for the thoughts I was having. It was a kick in the guts at one of my low points , in hospital at the time ,totally unprofessional on her part. Needless to say I reacted to this and received an apology from the head of the psych hospital shortly after.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len, thank you so much for your posts! It is so helpful to read other people's experiences!

You have certainly been through the mill, but you seem to be finding a level of acceptance, that's what I felt reading your first post. That really helped me - I am getting there (also 53!) well at least I'm working on it - a work in progress as you say.

I think my medication is finally kicking in and I'm feeling more stable than I have in quite a while. But I can't take that for granted. I find having to be constantly aware of what's going on in my head and how I'm reacting and behaving with people is exhausting. It's like since becoming aware of having bipolar I've become constantly self-censuring. Everytime I express an opinion or do something, I have to monitor whether I'm going too far - too angry or critical, or too high and over the top. While it means I'm 'managing' my disorder I guess, it also means I've lost that blissful ignorance and spontenaiety. Oh well, that's the way of it eh?

I'm really glad you've found posting here helpful - you are certainly helping others too by doing so. Cheers mate.

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kaz,

1963 was a good year then.can relate perfectly to you in all facets.Will look up for local bipolar support group. Am on the waiting list for DBT which from what I can gather runs for 1-2 years. I was diagnosed with Bipolar late last year and another Psych has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. I too have lost that blissful ignorance and spontenaiety. Constantly guarded and checking what I do.

ive had a good run lately but after a week of relative inactivity I can feel my anxiety: frustration levels slowly building up again.The weather certainly isn't helping at the moment. Winter is the pits at times.At times I need to rest and not do a thing.After months of being totally self absorbed, the Days are getting easier.Am finding any dip in mood has a dramatic effect on me.Feeling tense and sore, hopefully a very early night will be of benefit.Im on anti psychotics and antidepressants and my mental health nurse suggested mood stabilisers might be of benefit. I really don't want to take any more tablets if I can. Canberra is a lovelly place but you can have the bitter winter cold. Visitd years ago when my brother was based there.Hope you having a good one

cheers Len

[white knight]

Hi kaz

I too scrutinize what I say. I feel freakish but I know I'm not. Foot in mouth is common among ADHD sufferers. Interesting.

Igbran, I've been on mood stabilisers for six years 800mg. But was moody, tried 1200, still moody, over time went down to 400....wow, what a huge positive difference.

Not suggesting advice on dosage but giving you an example that too much meds can be counter productive. It has to be in the ball park.

The best judge, my wife. Her comment "I've got my husband back"

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

This bipolar life is giving me a hard time at the moment. After more than a week of feeling stable, normal even, I've sunk again. No obvious reason. I'm fighting the urge to give up everything (except work, no choice there) and hide. I feel like I want to make my world really small. If I had a choice I wouldn't leave the house.

Anyone else get that?

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

I'm sorry to hear that Kaz. Be strong, as I know you are, and you will pull through this latest hard patch. It sounds as though your periods of 'stability' are increasing, so thats a good thing. My thoughts are with you.

Much love to you, and a comforting hug as well.

Sherie xx

[white knight]

Hi kaz,

I'm wondering why you desire to reduce your world, for I have the same feelings.

To describe mine, its like I'm on a battlefield and everyone but those close to me or trustworthy, is charging at me, towards my fort. Then as they advance over the wall I retreat to the next barricade to fight again. Constantly threatened and its exhausting. I this k it'd linked to low self esteem from questioning ourselves.

While on our recent trip, we had a fire going. A couple arrived and, as is common, they automatically joined us. The man went to collect wood while the lady brought cake out.

This is common as is the waving to each other as caravanners pass each other.

But initially I didn't want such contact. I don't trust others now as I did years ago. It went through my head...is he a racist (turned out he was against indigenous), nasty, ex criminal, not tolerant of mental issues in others. What if I get moody?

And her, will she be judgemental, domineering like my mother.?

this thinking is ongoing even though I got along with them

They asked to exchange phone numbers. We both avoided it.

I think you are seeking your new safety zone. If you are like me and regularly feel potential threats wondering if its for the same reasons...eg bipolar.

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Hi Sherie, you are such a sweetheart. Thank you hun. It's a long process, starting treatment, getting the treatment right, understanding it all. I know you understand that. xx I'll come good again.

Tony, when I'm down I think I want my world small so I don't have to deal with people or be a certain way. Of course I could cancel everything, make my world small, but I know as soon as I'm 'up' again I'll want to be involved in absolutely everything. That's the way of it.

Len - I'm interested to hear more about DBT if there's anything you can share. Did your psych suggest it? What do you think it will be like?

Cheers everyone

Kaz