Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Oh Solabear

i wish i could keep thinking it will get better. its doesnt get better- not for me- it only gets worse 😞

ive tried to make things better but i havent gotten anywhere. only in circles and everything keeps adding on to things.

and today well- today wasnt great.

i went and seen my psychiatrist today to get a medication review.

she wasnt too happy that i went off the mood stabilizers but its a choice of sleep or mood. i dont know. i just followed drs orders. so she want to review them again in 3 weeks time yet again. so until then i have to keep putting up with things. my psychiatrist also told me im putting on alot of weight!. well that makes me feel awesome- eat healthy, getting fitter, 20hrs of horse paddock cleaning in less than a week, walk everyday and still gaining weight which is obviously noticeable- jsut not crash hot on the way she came out about it

[startingnew]

trigger trigger trigger

night time anxiety isnt fun

this ones going to e an all nighter and all dayer so im not looking forward to it.

its set my health anxiety off and im super trying not to go onto google

[Guest_128]

Hey, do not go on google!!!!!!

You need to take control, YOU are in charge!!!!

YOU are the only one that is going to make all this crap change.

If I and everyone else here didn't think you have it in you,we wouldn't both posting to you.

Tell me, three positives for today? And what three positives you can do tomorrow?

Later

[startingnew]

its so hard Later. Google is calling me it really is and im trying not to go on there. im trying to just stay on the forums or not at all. it hard it really is and its making me sick. physically sick.

ive tried using my coping strategies:

artwork- done 3 drawings

watching a movie, taking a hot shower, chatting on the forums, mindfullness, listening to music

its not working!!!!

the next step is google and give in but i cant- if i do itll make it worse but its so hard not to

3 positives of today

um i dont know

i watched a movie that i handnt seen before, my mother picked up the kids instead of me, i got out of seeing my horse

[startingnew]

i jsut got out of a psych assessment with my local MH team and they ahve confirmed i have serve GAD (genralised anxiety disorder) depression and complex PTSD. as well as now Health anxiety and BPD (borderline personailty disorder) health anxiety not a shokc to me but the BPD is something new and never thought id have that but i have it mildly

[startingnew]

so for the past half an hour i was talking to a friend about the horses and my new horse and how she was going

she asked what i was doing tomorrow and i said i might have a ride tomorrow morning on my mums horse- the one ive been working on for months- but i might have to ride my sisters horse as well.

she said oh why

so i proceeded to tell her that her horse needs a little bit more school and as my sister isnt advanced enough shes having abit of trouble with the canter. she keeps going way to fast and i dont want my sister to get intimidated on soemthing that i can help fix.

my sisters even said can i please help so i said yes and ill ride her horse to get her under control and stop her from being feral.

i know how to fix this horse, its not an over night job but its a long term training process and as my sister gets a bit more confident she will be able to do it herself.

friend: oh thats nice of you, is there a reason shes doing this though

me: theres nothing physical ive already had her checked its jsut becasue she use to to endurance so it was either go slow or go fast. ive jsut got to teach her that she doesnt have to go flat out all the time with us and thats not what we want.

friend: a friend of mine was having trouble with the same thing- you should talk to them

me: thanks im pretty sure i know what to do, ive had the problem with another horse and had her fixed up after a matter of time.

friend: yeah but shes (her friend) more older so probably has more experience than you so

me: ok if i have any troubles ill ask her but ill try it my way first.

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friend- you should have to keep getting on that horse anyway

me: we knew her faults when we brought her and we got her as i was aware that she would need a more confident rider to keep her in check if she started get a bit of cheek or picking up bad habits.

friend: you shouldnt have to do it though

me: patience starting to wear abit thin- i like her horse and offered to help so thats what im doing

friend: weird faced like shes always right- you need to focus on your new horse and noth on your sisters.

me: its not taking any thng out of my time, we both usually ride at the same time or im there soing nothing anyway so its not doing me any harm but rather helping and also keeping my middle sister safe but keeping the horse uptuned so she remains safe.

freind: i still think you should ask my friend

me: i will if i ahve troubles

friend: why dont u jsut do it now then at least you can be on the right path

i had to wrap up the convo and say ok i will and said i had to go.

she always undermines my experience or methods jsut becasue they arent her own. she has had a horse for over 2 years now and is still trying to work with it now and still haveing troubles.ive been undermined to the point before where i jsut packed up my horse and said ill call it quits for today and walked away.she has watched me fix another friend of mines horse- took me only half an hour and also taught my friend- she now rides well and also hasnt got the problem now at all. everytime i meantion i have a problem none of my methods are good enough im really frustrated and abit upset that she always does that- am i over reacting

[Just Sara]

Hey Essen;

OMG young one, you're all over the shop! Where's all that positive stuff you had when you came out of the psych ward? And all these new diagnosis', what's happening there? You must be so frightened lovely.

I understand learning all this stuff about yourself and how it must've put pressure on you. I mean, that's an awful lot to take in hun.

You did one short post on it, then pages of conversation between you and a friend. That's not like you Essen. I'm concerned; can you tell me what the team suggested is the next step for you?

I applaud you for doing mindfulness and activities that keep you engaged btw. I think you're amazing this way with your recovery. I know you're trying to focus and doing your best to sort thru this confusing time, so good on you.

You mentioned Google and how you don't want to resort to going there. What do you mean by this? Do you want to research your new diagnosis? That's ok, as long as you go to reputable sites like well known Universities. Please don't get caught up on forums or blogs for people with BPD ok? There's a real danger in that; you know this from experience.

Stay with what works hun. When we're always trying to 'fix' ourselves, the mind seeks out answers from anywhere and this can become obsessive; even addictive. If things are overwhelming, tell your GP and Psychiatrist and maybe can give you info pamphlets or your med's can be adjusted to help you settle while you take in this new information.

I'm sorry I haven't been on for a while, but I've been away. I haven't gone over all your posts so I'm sorry for this too. I wish you well ok. Continue supporting yourself and stay strong by asking for help. I'm still here...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

HI Sara





I know, I know im
over the shop. Its friggin hard work!
If you can tell just
be reading the posts well then it sureley is showing then








I dont know what
happened Sara, I dont. It only lasted under a week and I was getting
slammed by everything left right and centre and well here I am once
again, in the same place as what I was before I went in.

the new diagnoses
well that just adds to everyhthing. How can one person have so much
wront mentally and physically and at this age!

So she confirmed my
severe GAD , Compelx PTSD, and severe depression as well as added on
Health Anxiety and and Boderline Personality Disorder. I am its
scareing the shite out of me. It truly is and I dont know know where
to turn to anymore.





It is so friggin
confusing all the time, I still dont have the full family support
like they told me I had. What a crock of crap. Told me it to get out
of hospital earleir.





Yes google. One of
my eneimes but best friend at the same time. Ive researched just a
little bit about these new diagnoses but I cant be on there for too
long, otherwise it stirs up the health anxieties and I get to a point
where I would start thinking I have other disorders when I dont. I
have to not look into it besides when I look up the things I have it
scares the shite out of me even more.

I dont go onto
forums and blogs for it outside of here. I wanted some advice form
other BPD members and get their take on things and what to do from
here.





Sara I dont know
what im doing, I post on here, delete it before I post then decide to
post it then cant decide whats relevant or not or anythign. Im just
one BIG mess.





The psych team said
to get into DBT therapy. They put me on a waiting list at least 6
months long to even get into group therapy let alone individual
therapy.

Ive looked into
other dbt therapist but I just satrted with a new psych and I dont
want to change atm.









My freaking
medications- they are a whole other story there!


I dont even know who
I am anymore- a pathetic looser seems to cover it well

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and im glad your back Sara