New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[Guest_3072]

Hi PurplOJ and welcome to the forums! This is a supportive place and hopefully you can get the help/insight that you are looking for on here! I am a uni student and I struggled with my last semester...is it possible for you to maybe take a break from your TAFE studies or is that not viable? Sometimes it helps to take a break from study to gain some perspective and not get caught up in the monotony of it all.

I think it's alarming when you said that you no longer live for yourself and only live for others. I think it's important to have some kind of vision for your life and what you want to achieve so that when you are going through some hard questionable times in your life, you can remain hopeful and motivated to stay alive to achieve whatever you haven't set out to do yet.

I think that maybe a good starting point would be to write out on a piece of paper the things that you like about yourself. If you can't think of much, you can ask the people around you, especially your 3 friends.

Maybe you can talk to your GP and get a mental health care plan from a counsellor/therapist under Medicare. That way, you can get the tailored help to support you with where you are currently at in your life?

[Starwolf]

Hi PurplOJ.

Thank you for courageously sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. A warm welcome to these forums. You have come to the right place.

You are in a bad head space at the moment and feeling alone with distressing issues doesn't make it any easier. Social isolation is one of depression by-products. Few people know what it entails so -due to this ignorance- they often do/say unhelpful things or choose to withdraw. It doesn't mean they don't care, they're just out of their depth. It is difficult enough for sufferers to understand this condition, even more so for outsiders.

Loss of motivation is another common symptom. It makes us feel that Life is passing us by, adding thoughts of inadequacy and despair to the equation. Just like diabetes or a heart condition, it is an illness happening to you, not caused by you. It should be regarded and treated as such. You are not to blame for any of this.

Are you on a health plan at the moment ? If not, a talk with a GP would be a good start towards getting a referral to a therapist. No need to struggle alone when assistance is available. With the right help and support, depression can be managed. Please take good care of yourself. You deserve a much better life than this.

Your safety is the priority. If intrusive thoughts are overwhelming, please do not hesitate to call the 24/7 helpline (1300 22 4636). Talking with someone who cares and understands will help you over a rough patch. No need to wait for reluctant friends to respond. Sometimes, we need to vent thoughts and feelings on the spot.

Meanwhile, I hope you will keep posting here as much and as often as you feel comfortable with. The more we know about your situation, the better we can support you and make helpful suggestions. These forums are a safe network, including caring people who are familiar with situations such as yours.

Good to have you on board.

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ

Gabby and Starwolf have posted some really amazing replies with some great suggestions, so I don't feel like I can add too much more.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and you need some help prioritising what to tackle first.That's where the professionals specialise - in ensuring you have a plan to take each problem in order of importance.

By coming here you're showing me a quality which may seem a bit invisible right now: the desire to live. It may be hard to see, but there is something inside you, behind all darkness you feel, which wants to live and see the other side of this mountain.

I hope you can keep coming and posting here because we can help support that fight inside of you and help it to grow.

You need a little bit of love and care right now, so here are some hugs your way.

James

[PurplOJ]

Thank-you Gabby and Starwolf and James,

I apologise for not getting back sooner.

I am not currently seeing a GP or anybody, and I do not have a health plan. I use to a few years ago, however I had to stop going as I could not find time to go during the limited 2 days that they were available, and I do not really have the money to even see anyone.

Stopping TAFE for me is not possible, due to me being in a technology course waiting will mean I have to start again and I am almost 3/4 of the way there.

The only part of me that wants to live does because I do not want to risk one of the 3 friends having a chance to feel sad. Because they mean everything to me, even if I do not mean anything to them. When I try to talk to them they can spend days to reply, with me ending up not talking to anyone for days on end.

And going on what Gabby said. I try to have a reality where I do want to get to, and have things that I want to live and achieve. However the things that I come up with turn out to require..... the other person to agree to come with me. There are places I have wanted to visit since I have been 7, its a place I can't go alone. But if I do manage to see somebody nearby, I mention trying to go there. All I get are things like "It's not worth the money" or "I do not want to visit there". It just happens so much that I give up on things, I know that I will never live to see those places.

And that is if people even want to meet up. Every time I try to reach out to someone, saying we should meet up, I get shot down. I don't know why, if they are scared of me, or they hate me or I am just unpleasant to be around. Given I assume that they are scared of me, most people see to be. Enough so that throughout most of secondary school people called me scary and said I would.. do bad thing to young people (I could never hurt anyone, people who do make me sick. It's something that I would consider worse than death.... well one of the worst torture things that someone can go through). Which made any dream of being a primary school teacher disappear when it was not just students that said that. People out in public said it, and do to this day. I never know why it happens, because of my looks, my actions, how I sound, if I look like someone who was jailed for such an offence. Because I am not that, and I could never even think of such things.

[White_Rose]

Dear PurplOJ

Hello, it's good to meet you. It's good that you have found your way to BB. Thank you for telling us your story. It can be quite uncomfortable to write about these things.

There is never a need to apologise here. Take all the time you need to reply, we will still be here. I see you have three friends although they do not keep in close contact. Do you have any family? Do you live with any family members? I hope you do not live alone as this can make your depression and anxiety feel so much worse.

Congratulations on continuing with your TAFE course and getting this far despite your difficulties. I think looking forward to completing this course, now that you are so near the end, can be a huge motivator. Having said that I can understand when you have bad days that finishing your study can seem irrelevant. Please keep going because you will have shown you can stick with something no matter how miserable you feel.

This is the same with your thoughts of dying. Many of the people who write in here have experienced the same thoughts and feelings as you are now. Telling yourself you are only staying alive for other people is not the best motive. I would like to feel you are staying with us because life has become so much better.

You have spoken about some of your wishes. Work out how you can achieve them once you have finished at TAFE. I know that it is more enjoyable to visit and explore places with someone who shares your enthusiasm. When this is not possible, try going on your own. I'm not good leaving home to travel far on my own. I get quite anxious, but it depends on where I am going. And the more you do this, the easier it becomes.

Can you go and see your GP? I think this is an important first step towards managing your life. There is, of course, the option of a mental health plan and up to ten subsidized visits to a psychologist which it seems you have already tried. I know the gap fee can be a lot to someone on a low income. Talk to your GP about low cast options. Organisations such as Relationships Australia and Anglicare offer counselling, making no charge or a very small charge. Your doctor may know of other options or be able to help you him/herself. GPs are quite skilled in this area.

Another area I am interested in, your personality. Why do you think people dislike you on sight? This is a major part of your life which is making you uncertain of yourself. However, only tell us what you feel comfortable saying.

Mary

[PurplOJ]

Thank you Mary,

I do live with my family still, however it isn't an enjoyable place. I would leave if I had the money to do so, however it is not possible for me right now.

I know that completing the course is probably good. It's just hard, I know truly it's not what I want. The things that I want to do are impossible.

I know it's not good, only living for others. However I do not feel that. All I have is my will to not hurt them... it's all I have had for a long time. Without I would have left long ago. I just do not want the chance to hurt them.

I am unable to go out alone to such areas. It's not just that I want to go there, it's being there with someone else. I have never really been places with others, and I want to be able to do it one day. It's like how I grew up never having slept at a friends house. Somethat that I have wanted to do but is now impossible.

I will try to see a GP. Although its hard to find time. TAFE takes up a lot of my time and I am unsure what I can get out of it. I personally dislike medication that alters me, and I really do not want to have to take any. And I am scared that if I refuse, given how I feel that I would be locked up in some psyc ward.

The reason I feel people hate me on sight is because they tell me as such. I don't talk to many people but when I tryed I usually got insaulted strait away. And the people who I talk to so I do not get more crazy being alone constantly tell me how they are scared of me, thinking I will snap and kill or do... inappropriate acts. When I am someone who can bearly think of raise a fist at anyone, because I feel horrible if I do wanting to turn the fist back at me.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hi PurpleOJ,

It sounds like life is just throwing disappointment after disappointment at you, at a time when all you want is some glimmer of hope.

Let me assure you that there is something good out there for you even if it's hard to see. As you said, you're doing TAFE in the hope that something good will come out of it. I agree, and that's just one of many avenues towards a better life.

As Mary said, going to a GP is another avenue. Medication isn't the end of the world. In fact, it's not even a bad thing. We take medication to help our body cope with a stressor, whether it be the cold or a mental illness. It is not changing you in any more significant way than sleeping more, eating healthier, or going for walks changes you.

I don't know why people are so mean to you. All I can say is they just don't understand how hurtful it is, and importantly, they don't understand that you are not who they think you are.

I was recently told that I was emotionally manipulative. That really hurt. Doubly so because I behaved the way I did to avoid being emotionally manipulative. So I feel like I understand what you mean about feeling horrible. It's like we've not only failed, but we're bad people too.

I think this is something you will need to get help from someone who is professionally trained. We will keep supporting you here, but GPs and mental health specialists have the right expertise to identify really solid strategies that will make you feel safer.

Do you think you could make the time in the coming week to see your GP? I know you're busy with TAFE, but your mental health takes priority here.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hello again James,

That is what it is like, Life does what it does best and trowing shit at people. I know that I do not have it as bad as others, but dam life is relentless.

I... honestly do not believe that there is something out there. I have been going through this for a very long time, and that is what I was told years ago.... and to this day it had not proven true.

I personally do not want medication. I have things in my head that I know, that should remain in my head. And I fear that once I take some, the barriers that I have built up over years and years of this will just crumble down. I will end up saying something that I should not or tell people things they should not know. And than I would end up more alone than I am now, or with people out to get me. And that is if I am still here after the wall is gone, because I hid things that I never want to remember behind it... events that give me nightmares and sleepless night sometime, if I remembered it all I do not know if I could cope.

People are mean, because its me. They have been calling me the person who does bad things to young people since I was 13... I do not know why, the only answer I could come up with is because its me. It just continues with me till today. I am just happy people are not physical like there were in primary school.

It sucks that you were called that. It seems to be something a lot of us experience (I personally haven't as I don't share emotions with my friends), when people cannot understand how we feel, and stuff. However at least that is good and you are getting your emotions out to those around you rather than bottling them up. And yes, the fact that we are bad people is basically being etched into our heads.

I am unsure if I can see a GP, whenever it comes down to it I never have the courage to call and make appointments and put it off forever. Hopefully I can make one.

PurpleOJ

[blondguy]

Hey PurplOJ

Im glad you have posted...I'm Paul and have had anxiety and depression for about 30 years....

I am glad James, Starwolf, Mary & Gabby have responded with their care as you deserve it.

You are lucky as you are 19...I wish! I hope you dont feel down with all the various 'labels' that you read about. I just hope that you can stick around

My kind thoughts for you

Paul