My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Mumof2_pup]

Sorry for all the typos. Trying to type a response with a toddler trying to put you to bed is rather hard, but I hope it made sense. 

[Apollo_Black]

The problem with this forum is that you don't get notified of responses. 

I believe the issue here is that we are all too nice. We've become so nice we've lost our balls and sense of self. Our wives and partners have lost attraction to us. Sex has disappeared and now we are chasing harder for it. We chase so hard it works against  us and our wives run even faster. So we work harder to try and please our wives. No offense but I gave my wife plenty of space but she still denied everything I had done. Don't bother, it's an unconscious loss of attraction and they don't even know they're doing it.

Apparently the solution is to quit chasing the outcome of sex with our wives. Have a break. Reconnect with our male friends and make time for ourselves. Sure contribute to the family if that's something you don't do but somehow I think that's not the problem with all the nice guys here. Forget about her BS problems (she doesn't want you to fix them) and focus on becoming the best person you can be, especially for your kids. Get as fit as all hell and feel great. Take the lead. At the end of the day if your wife doesn't notice the difference and respond accordingly then at least your in a better place to get the hell out of there and find the love you deserve.

Yeah it's all easier said than done.  Everything will take time. My problem is I don't want to deal with the pain of separation and how we will manage shared parenting, but I don't think I have a choice. No matter what I do I don't think it will make a difference - my wife has sailed. I'm sure I'll handle whatever comes my way. At least I realise now that I can't be attached to sex, complain about lack of it or whatever. What I can work on is being comfortable being me, getting fit, being the best dad I can be, and spending time looking out for me and getting my passion for life back. 

[Apollo_Black]

So basically exactly what Sparkz and Mr Cool said on page 2 of this thread. 

They've got the right idea. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. 

All too late for my marriage methinks but at the end of the day I'm doing it for me and my son

[Chris_B]

Apollo Black said:

The problem with this forum is that you don't get notified of responses. 

Hi Apollo, I know that's frustrating. It's a feature on many other forums that we don't have here just yet, but it's one of many upgrades in the pipeline. If you're able to pop a note in our Forum suggestions and improvements thread on this, it helps us keep track of the demand for upgrades, which is important when you're working with a limited charity budget!

Cheers.

[Apollo_Black]

Done! Thanks Chris

[werris]

Hi all,

Thank you all for your input to this thread. Knowing I am not alone is somehow comforting.

I have been living with this same situation for almost 15 years now. This is my first time reaching out as its a subject that is difficult enough to discuss with your partner let alone anyone else. I have repeatedly gone through the confusion, resentment and dashed hopes that is common to our situations.

The term "roller coaster" perfectly describes not only my feelings but also my daily interactions with my wife, I live my life walking on eggshells. I have been clinging to the hope that implementing the strategies and changes mentioned in the thread that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. They seem to work for a short time and then everything goes back to how it was.

There is an unreasonable doggedness about the comments my wife makes whenever we are able to have a discussion. There is no acknowledgement of my efforts to give space, to be less demanding, to do more. I get back, you've become distant, tell me what you really want, and here's the bit that does my head in, she will re hang clothes that I put on the line, stop me from washing up, complain about the smell of the cleaning chemicals when I do the bathrooms and kitchen (the same chemicals she uses???) and so on. I have thrown myself into gardening, and am able to get some respite from tumultuous emotions only to have any attempt to include her shot down repeatedly.

Of late she has taken to calling me ridiculous and bizarre whenever we attempt to talk. This week has brought about an epiphany of sorts. After aggressively pushing my hand away while we slept and her eventually moving to another bed, I awoke thinking this is it I've had enough. A couple of days of pondering and reading and I have decided that I like the idea put forward by Apollo Black 14 Feb. I will be making changes that are going to help me feel better about myself and allow myself to search / prepare for future happiness.

I love my wife with all my soul.

I don't think she shares those feelings.

I think she want's something different but is too cowardly to make the move so she can say "he left me"

Yes I am bitter, yes I am resentful, I am aware that I share in the blame for the situation but don't accept that I am the only one who should work at fixing it.

I will continue to hope for us to become us again but from now on I will prepare to find me.

Thank you all for sharing and please continue. It all helps.

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Werris

 You're certainly not alone but damn it's lonely. Funny how you're with your wife but you still feel like that. Do you have children? I think if I didn't have a child my decision making process would be a lot easier, because frankly as my saga drags on I am liking my wife less and less. Please, this is my personal situation so take it with a pinch of salt. I think I've been blind to the criticism and contempt. Oh I fully acknowledge my contribution to the mess, yeah I was probably a passive nice guy, I probably had covert contracts, I didn't like conflict and just wanted a smooth life. So I would withhold the truth and and walk on eggshells. I most likely co-created the situation. But I'm not sure how many changes I can make to myself to fix the fact that my wife is at times emotionally (and physically) abusive and has little respect for my values. 

 Anyway I'm being bitter now, but I'm saving that for this space. To my wife however  I'm going to try and be nothing but myself, try and be honest, tell the truth, continue to work on my health, not whine, and most importantly maintain my integrity and not stoop to her level. But I'm not doing it for her.

Thing is, I haven't had sex for over 10 months, before that maybe 4 times in the last 5 years. It wasn't even at good (I'm not blaming her). So what difference does it make not having it for another 6 months? A year even? So I'm not going to focus on it. I'm going to work on becoming fit as all hell, spend time with friends and reconnecting with my masculinity, start playing music more, start enforcing proper boundaries with my wife to put a stop to her unacceptable behavior and maybe, maybe we might be able to get through this. If not, it's her loss. 

 15 years is a long time to endure this man, a long time. Have you looked up anything by Athol Kay?? The MMSL forum is good value 

[blondguy]

Hi Apollo

Paul here....I just wanted to say that you arent being bitter at all. I have re-read your above post twice...there is no bitterness in it..only the truth and kudos to you for having the courage to mention the physical abuse...same here

As for sex...Mother nature made us what we are now...I know I have nothing to apologise for by saying that its been a long time for me as well. Its meant to be a two way street between man & woman....Unfortunately it doesn't turn out that way...

Good post Apollo

Cheers

Paul

[Apollo_Black]

Thanks Paul. I thought it would be useful to mention that since my first post there has been many events happening in my situation.

Basically bringing up lack of intimacy in our marriage started a cascade of issues - my wife acted very adversely to it even though I approached things from an intimacy angle over just the sex. She basically used this to bring up everything wrong with our marriage (all my faults) and didn't want to be with me any more. Counseling was pointless as she wasn't engaged, was endlessly angry and convinced I had destroyed our family. Because she doesn't have many friends she friended an old male friend on Facebook. She even met with him but I'll never know what happened. That didn't matter to her even though I found out about it (she tried to hide it) - she wasn't even phased that her actions were weird or damaging, and totally destroyed any trust I had for her. Even her mother didn't think this was a problem. I was the "crazy paranoid freak". All she wanted was me out of the house so she could "get some space". I refused to do this, held my ground and put up with her varying degrees of anger and abuse. I never thought she would be capable of that type of behavior but looking back I think I just chose to ignore previous outbursts, put downs, tantrums, contempt, etc. I ignored the warning signs.

 All this happened in the space of a couple of months (i.e. My first post). Now I'm just waiting to see if things improve or get worse. But I haven't at any stage said that I wasn't committed to reconciling our marriage. I will try, I just need her to try. I'm not making the decision though - if she wants to leave the marriage she needs to make the move and show some accountability. 

[Apollo_Black]

I'm bumping this thread. How are all you guys going on out there? Steven, I noticed you started a new thread....

If there's still some interest in this I'll update my story - or just start my own thread