My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Paul

the reason we shouldn't take it personally is because ultimately that doesn't help. I think it is important however to differentiate why it's happening in the first place. If it's because the woman has lost attraction well that's out of her control. If relationship comfort is lost because he's a lazy slob who doesn't pull his weight then fair call. Now the difference is that if your wife is BSC - i.e. "Crazy" then there is no amount of work that can be done by the husband to fix things. Ultimately it ends badly, and by the sounds of it you and I fell into that category Paul. Whether or not it's for punishment as Mr Cool says ultimately demonstrates a mentally unwell (think BPD) partner who cares not for her other half's needs, feelings or long term welfare. Bringing up a sexless relationship in this setting is likely to cause a nuclear explosion and campaign of beating down the "I'm taking it personally"'partner back into their previous passive mindset...

[blondguy]

Hey Apollo, I was responding to your earlier post that "no one has answered the OP's question." I do understand that I shouldn't take it personally as per your new post above so I will just say what I actually feel from my perspective on your very broad topic.

Can I re-phrase please?....If a partner refuses to make love or have sex with me..'it hurts my feelings'...a lot!

Thats as fine tuned as I can get it 🙂

Paul

[Apollo_Black]

I'm so far removed from sex these days Paul I don't know what to think any more. I hope you're in a better place in this regard any way. I've only managed to make things worse so I guess I'm no expert on the topic after all. Maybe in my next life

[blondguy]

Hey Apollo, you never make things worse...ever. I am also so far removed from sex these days I am actually losing the 'care factor' for it. (the desire)

There are never any experts on this topic. I just hope you are doing reasonably okay with what you have been going through.

Always here for you Apollo

[Apollo_Black]

Thanks again Paul, always good to hear from you. Interestingly that's why they say men should do manly things with men. Not only is this getting a need met, it als stimulates testosterone production and therefore libido. I don't think this is scientifically backed up.

Anyway, you're right, there is a lot of mixed, inaccurate info out there for men trying to address this area. A lot of the info is unhelpful but it's also a massively complex one with so many variables.

Hope you're doing ok!

[Mr_Cool]

I've now watched the Utube videos on "How to Laugh your way into a Good Marriage". I was very impressed. Reinforced lots of other concepts related to how men and women are different, and it looks at what both sides need to do.

Lots of smaller clips on Utube, but it's the full version 4 hours 41 min and the YoMama 1hour 15 min that have all the info. They are long but you can just watch it in sections.

Does have a religious undertone in some areas (he is a minister) but even if you aren't religious (I'm not) it still makes sense, and it's delivered in a fun, upbeat style. You will laugh, it's very funny, but also so true.

The goal would be for both husband and wife to watch it together, a bit of a marriage education session. I'm going to watch sections with my wife and then discuss how it relates to our situation. I'll make my comments and ask her to do the same.

One other item I found which I thought was a great question for partners in difficulty. Ask them the following question. And you should defiantly ask yourself the same question.

"Ask yourself this question. ("What's it like to me married to me?") "

It makes your partner (or you) look at things from the other persons point of view. Very non-threatening, no blame, and gives a little insight as to how well we are actually working to improve the relationship.

[Just_getting_by]

Thanks for posting steven1

i can totally relate to your issues and especially when it feels like the one thing you long for is a healthy intimate marrage well that's the case for me and I does hurt and makes you think your not good enough. I don't have any answers for you as I'm still trying to salvage what's left of my life, but I wanted you to know that your or alone in this

Thank you to everyone who commented on this post very helpful.

[Country_girl_72]

Hello, it's very reassuring to be able to discuss this issue in a safe environment without judgement from others.

My mild depression ( although I can say I had extreme periods of more serious depression throughout my marriage) definitely affected my sex life with my now ex husband. I guess you could say his abusive behaviour, lack of support, and non willingness to try to understand what I was going through, contributed to my depressed state.

I basically went cold within a few years of marriage. I certainly didn't want to and didn't intend it to go that way, but the sadness in my heart due to mis treatment from my husband at the time ( who was supposed to love me, no matter what) led me to just go off him, in the end I was repulsed by his touch. This had a lot with the way he was as a person as well though.

Me going cold definitely led to the demise of our marriage. Upon reflection as 4 years later after separation, I'm now extremely relieved I'm no longer with him. One person being depressed, tired, anxious, sad, isolated and so on, just does not enhance a sexual relationship. It makes things very hard.

But for those in a relationship and having problems with the sexual aspect of their relationship, if you love each other, hang in there. I think you get more pleasure from giving more and making someone else feel good, it doesn't take much, help out more around the house, bath the kids, make your partner a cup of tea in bed and so on. You would be surprised how much response you get from someone when you give lots of love, support and understanding, and focus less, on what you can get from them in return

[Country_girl_72]

Hi Jacko777,

I really liked something you wrote in your post, "give love without expectation".

I have met someone ( after a 15 year marriage breakdown- 4 years ago now) who suffers with severe depression and anxiety, and he told me this right from the start. I think he also occasionally thinks about suicide. He runs very hot and cold. It would be much easier for me to not get involved and walk away as we are only in the early stages of a relationship. For many it would be too hard and too tiring.

For a month or two I really took offence when he would shut me down (he's never ever been rude or mean, ever) , but instead of withdrawing away from him, I keep reinforcing that I'm here for him and give him as much love and support as he needs, without suffocating him. I let his short responses and aloofness wash over me ( as I said before he has never ever been nasty or rude).

Perhaps I'm not far enough into the relationship to be completely worn out yet, but the more love I send his way, the happier my heart is and the more "whole" I feel as a person.

And I've stopped expecting back. He surprises me regularly with his warmth, kindness and compassion. And it comes at the most I expectant moments and gives me so much joy. It blows me away. It shows with some people, you can never truly predict what path your relationship will take.

What he gives me back in his raw honesty is enough to make me try harder and give more to him. And this in turn is just making me happier.

[blondguy]

Hello Country Girl 72

You are a breath of fresh air on the forums and Welcome to you! This isnt my thread (topic) but I do respect your strength to get on this thread and bring up some really good points for the guys on it. Nice1 🙂

You have been treated badly by your ex husband which is to his detriment....and his loss...not yours. No one should have to go through what you have especially the abuse and lack of understanding you did. Thats a guy that doesnt know what he's got until your gone.

Pat Benatar released a track in the 80's (where I still live lol) called 'Sex as a Weapon'. The track is readily available on utube. The track is 30 years old and worth a look...especially the lyrics.

I have given everything I have....the cleaning...the breakfast in bed...the cups of tea..cooking dinner....and I clean a tiolet/shower better than any girl I know 🙂 But...then I get taken for granted as a kind and gentle guy and get walked over including having sex (making love) removed from the relationship whenever its suits

Even though Pat Benatar released 'stop using sex as a weapon' from a girls point of view I still find sexual 'shut down' offensive as a caring and thoughtful guy that has always given his heart to a relationship. I even grow my own roses and pick/cut them for a partner.

Your last paragraph of your post makes solid sense to some of the guys that may be a 'yobbo' or 'insensitive' in nature. I have always focused on how much kindness and TLC I can provide to a partner and have never thought about what I can get in return. I was brought up that way.

I do understand though where you are coming from CG. Its a huge help to the guys that 'just dont get it'

Kind thoughts for you Countrygirl72

Paulx